Thursday, May 31, 2007
When is it my turn?
Bouby and I have been doing this diet thing for almost 11 weeks, and I’ll admit 99% of the clients there are middle age broads who have “Big Chair Ass” or some other office based disorder. So naturally I wasn’t shocked at the selection of magazines, ala “Lucky” The magazine for the shopper in you, “Cosmo”, and Some other generic “why aren’t you as pretty as the women in here” magazine, and then shockingly enough there was also a couple of men’s magazines too, nothing I get at the house, because I’m not a Metro-Sexual, but still geared toward the penis keepers.
Then I noticed and started reading a magazine called “more” and it is for the over 40 woman, who doesn’t feel over 40, or doesn’t want to admit that she is well on her way to matronly. You can check out the web site HERE, but I picked these magazines up because they have very attractive women on the front covers and I grew up with 2 brothers and a single Mom, so all we had around the house to read was Woman’s Day, Cosmo, and Red Book…I was very prepared for women, when they became less “icky”…
Anyway the tag line for this magazine is “Reinvent yourself after 40, your guide to an even better life” , the copy I stole has Virginia Madsen on the cover, and has articles like “What to wear for the rest of your life”, and “Dressing for my next life, ‘A former fashion editor learns to let go of Couture’”(I don’t get this one isn’t the point of the magazine to show women how to hold on to some of that couture?), There is also an article entitled “Power Foods for Midlife Bodies” Which tells women all about what to eat to lower disease risk and your weight…
So I’m wondering why hasn’t some editor came up with a format that covers this same shit with men? And I’m not talking about shit rags like Maxim, and Playboy, those are for the little pud pullers and douchebag 20 somethings who think that General Lee is a car, and that holding your liquor is being able to wait until the car has stopped before puking out the window.
Where is the older gen X tail of the party bus magazine for men? I mean, here I am almost 40 and I want a magazine that helps me stave off looking like a fat bag of old man with dark socks, plaid shorts and a bald spot that looks like my head has a moon roof. Where is the help here? There is a whole generation of men who were raised in the late 70’s-early 80’s that are now middle age, and we feel like we just stepped off the high school graduation stage and all we know is that Viagra and Cialis will help keep our cocks hard, so we can continue to fuck the chicks in the commercials who look 20 years younger then us.
What the Fuck? Over….
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
So you know that pool we have. Well here is a story about our new pool.
When setting up our new pool, we put the cover that came with it on the pool when we were done filling it with water. It seemed a little big. So we thought we would try and find one that was a little better fit, thinking our neighbor may have had to buy one that wasn’t correct because..well who knows what the reason may have been. We also needed a bunch of other things so off to Westlake hardware.
When we arrived, as we were walking into the door, we both said , “I wonder if they even have pool supplies here” But our worries were quickly suppressed because we both saw a wall of stuff that looked just like what we had at home, so we were relieved. Once in the pool supply area we gathered what we needed and debated on whether ofr not we needed to buy a THIS particular pool cover, and was it the one on sale and could it be the same one we already owned and blah blah blah.
So we gather all of our stuff and take the pool cover to the check out to double check the price, and then ask to open it up so we can see if it is different then the one we have at the house, because if it is the same that would be dumb to buy it. It isn’t and we are happy that we may have found a new pool cover!
So we get home and are getting things ready and we are ding to see what the new cover looks like and, damn but we were buzzing with excitement ( I know it don’t take much to make me excited), and as we pulled the cover out of the box, and started to open it, Bouby sees a hole. Not a rip, or a factory fuck up, just a hole. We stopped dead in out tracks and wondered, “ why does our new debris cover have a hole in it? Bouby says, “well maybe that is for the tie down” So we continue to open the cover up. Ands lo and behold, those holes were in a strategic patteren IN THE MIDDLE OF THE POOL COVER!!
We just stared at each other.
Why are there holes in the pool cover?
Does the box say …”NEW with holes!!”? I looked, no mention of holes!
We looked at each other some more.
WHY DOES OUR POOL COVER HAVE HOLES??!!!!
I DON’T KNOW!
What I do know is that when you buy a pool cover most of the time you buy it to keep everything out of the pool. At least that was our thinking. Pool cover = nothing you don’t want in pool water. Apparently what it means is “This pool cover will keep out most large animals, tree limbs, and kids, BUT, leaves, dirty rain water, and regular DIRT get to flow right through into the pool, effectively making your swimming pool into the life like experience of swimming in the local creek complete with mosquito larvae, and algae.
So we went back to the hardware store, told the clerk that this pool cover has holes in it, she freaks out thinking that she sold us a defective cover, until we explained that these holes were in fact put there buy the pool cover company.
She asked “Why would there be holes in a pool cover”?
We may never know.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
4 Day work weeks ROCK!
I think this is the way work should always be. I love the three day weekend and the 4 day work week. Tuesday through Friday, LOVING IT!!
My old job in Chico Ca. was like that I would pull 4 10’s and have Friday off which was equally cool, except that I was the only one on the block that had this schedule, so I didn’t have anyone to play with. Mostly I would do what I did yesterday, which was clean the house.
Well that wasn’t all we did, Bouby and I were the recipient of a swimming pool. We had been toying around with the idea for the last several years, about buying one of these, easy set up pools where you just air up the top rail and put your hose (GARDEN not PENIS you perverts) in it and turn the water on. They are just a couple of hundred bucks and really are that easy to set up, but we wanted to play in one before we shelled out a couple of hundred bucks so we never bought one. Then a couple of months ago our neighbor asked if we wanted theirs since they had just built a new shed and wouldn’t have the room to set it up nor did they want to. So we got it and spent yesterday afternoon setting it up.
Thank god for portable air compressors! That crazy ring of air that you have to blow up would have taken be most of the afternoon had I used the little foot pump. And then we stumbled around for 5 hours watching the water rise. I know sounds exciting, and it was. I’m also glad that Bouby knows how to read so well because I would have never figured out half of that nonsense had we not found the directions when we were 95% done, those came in pretty handy I tell ya. Not to mention all of the crazy math that was involved in the pool chemical instructions.
I had no idea that chlorine could be so complicated.
So know we have a groovy 12 foot by 3 foot deep lounge pool where we will be relaxing and having cocktails in when it gets really freaking hot out. And now that we aren’t so scary fat we won’t have to wait until the sun goes down to get in it…I would have had a backyard full of little kids with sticks trying to push me back in the water last summer.
Speaking of weight, I need to drop another 20 lbs in the next 30 days so I can go on a helicopter ride.
Wha?? You ask, well I’ll tell you. Since my two brothers and I have been involved in the trade show business or at least companies that need to go to trade shows, we have spent a lot of time in Las Vegas. Every time we get back we call our daddy o and let him know how things went. And since he is old, he always say’s the same thing, “ I have always wanted to go to Vegas”. So for Fathers day this year, we are taking the old coot. He doesn’t know about it, and if he did he would try and weasel out of it by telling us it is too expensive, and to save our money and that we should spend anything on him…blah blah blah. We have never been ones to listen too closely to what the parents say anyway, so we are kidnapping him to Vegas for Father’s Day.
We are telling him that we are all too busy to hang out with him on that Father’s Day weekend and that we would like him to come up on Monday and have a fancy dinner (Supper, to him, old school Cowboy talk) and help me work on finishing the remodel on the basement, that I have been working on for the last 4 years. Here is the cool part since my younger brother lives in Boston, Dad doesn’t think he’ll be there and all he’ll get is a well placed phone call. However he is flying in, and that will be the first surprise. Then I’ll lay it on him that we aren’t working on the basement at all and that we are all going to Las Vegas for 3days 2 nights.
So why do I need to lose the last 20 pounds? Well it seems that the 4 hour , lunch included, helicopter trip to the floor Grand Canyon, has a weight limit of 275 lbs, and if you are over it will cost you an extra 300 bucks for another seat. So I have been working out like crazy, and sticking to my diet strictly, I have been lowering my portion sizes a bit and hopefully I won’t have to pay the fat man rate of 600 bucks to get to the bottom.
But if you look at me from a year ago, when I was topping the scales at a blistering 345+, I have come quite a long way. Wish me luck on the hardest 20 lbs on the planet!
Friday, May 25, 2007
Thank you VETS!
Memorial day weekend.
This weekend for most people is a three day weekend that really kicks off the summer. Amusement parks open, swimming pools are de-winterized, and flowers in bloom.
What we all should be doing is thanking the soldiers, and the soldiers families who have or are currently risking their lives to keep us Americans in the lives we have grown accustomed to. Regardless of how you may feel about our current administration or why we have a huge military presence in the middle east right now, thanks those that came back alive, from any skirmish, war, police action, or is just a simple clerk filing endless TPS reports that keep America free.
Armies are a very necessary part of any countries survival because we are Human. And as Humans we are basically hairless fighting monkeys who will never get a long in a peaceful existence with one another because well it is against the basic structure of balance. Without evil there is no good and vice versa. Otherwise we wouldn’t have kids getting shot and killed while riding their big wheel in the hood, because his older cousins decided that the best way to solve an argument was to try and shoot each other. I’m sure that the pound of meth or the chick down the street is really worth the life of a 3 year old. Nice work you cocksucking doorknobs.
But since man is a violent animal that breeds like rats there is literally nothing we can do to change 2 million years of inbreeding and religious fanaticism. Most people blame all of the fighting on the nature of men and our violent ways but I don’t think that is true. I think that women and their beliefs are more to blame then just guys. If it wasn’t for the sex and the breeding regulations that forced upon society by women and weak men we wouldn’t have religion based on superstition and lack of scientific explanations.
Think about that for a hot second. Why do most modern men fight? Over chicks, power or money. There is no greater power then leading a flock of blind sheep willing to do your bidding , and give you all of their money. And why? To get the best women for breeding so that you will have the strongest and most powerful children to carry on the war like behavior and keep your power and your way of life.
So this weekend lets give thanks to those people willing to put their lives in danger just allow us the right to act like assholes no matter where we stand.
ARMY, NAVY, AIRFORCE, MARINES, THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Click, Click BOOM
7:00pm rolled around tonight and I discovered that my normal mind numbing look into non reality TV was not on. What was on however was American Idol finals. It was a 2 hour special featuring singers from all of the past idol winners and other assorted super non- important people. I think me and Bouby were the only two Midwesterners not tuned into that steaming pile of monkey shit.
No we watched the Saturday Night Live Special. That was (is) 1 bazillion times better then some no talent, booger eatin’, fuckstick does FUCKING karaoke. Fucking Americans would be entertained by watching a fucking cat play with a string.
I SHOULD go eat the business end of my shotgun now, but the SNL special is still on.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Today is Bouby’s birthday!!
She is 6 years my junior…yeah I like’em like that, I’m just glad that no one is concerned like they would have been had I been dating a 7th grader when I graduated high school. That would have raised some eyebrows I’m sure.
But we have a very exciting evening planned out. We are going “Off Plan” on our diet regime. For the last 10 weeks we have been ultra strict, and have only eaten things that we were supposed to, when we were supposed to, and how much we were supposed to. So tonight we are going to our favorite Mexican restaurant and throwing caution to the wind and stepping off plan for the evening.
I know that doesn’t sound to terribly exciting, but to us it seems like we just mugged a leprechaun.
Bouby and I have been together for the last 5 years come September , we did meet on the internet, and I know a lot of people think that is strange, but I think it is just like a bar, without all of the bad decisions of alcohol.
So Happy Birthday Sweet Britches! I LOVE YOU!
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Where's Lucy when you need her?
There is so much not going on I could write anti-volumes. I put that quote up because I got tired of writing about people that piss me off. I know that is strange, me Nightmare with no anger? With no hate and nothing to say about it? Well I have once again tried to make myself a better person.
Since I have lost almost 60lbs since last year, I have decided to only have nice thoughts and if that means taking massive amounts of Xanax, well I guess that I will be looking for some more pushers. I need to be calmer, and I need to lose some of this stress, this stress that keeps me up at night and the stress that ties my gut in knots concerned about what I’m going to do for the rest of my life.
Should life continue to be one of complacency? Should I just be happy to be a drone in the hive? Is happiness as Dennis Leary says it is, all in “little” joys? The Joy of a cookie, of a smoke, an orgasm? Should we only relish this kind of happiness or is there another kind? Is there a balance between complete hedonism and a life of complete drudgery? How do we locate and find what we need to be happy? People have always said find what you love to do and make that your life’s work. What if what I love to do is try new things and new ways of dong things? How is that going to keep the bills paid and a roof over the head? I don’t have any answers, maybe that is my problem, maybe I need to find that help wanted section of the newspaper and seek my own Ishmael Or is it that simple? How do you locate and find happiness? Is it a feeling, an act, a simple way of looking at the stupid and the suffering and accepting them for their flaws and making sure you don’t do like the other monkeys do?
I see happy people out there, I know there is a happiness to be found, but have they settled? Is happiness just a form of tolerance that allows everyone to see past , or ignore , the bothersome people, workplace and stupid?
Seriously, how did YOU find happiness…if you have. Is it a state of mind? Or is it more then that? How do you know you’re happy? Where does this feeling come from? Please enlighten me.
What makes you happy and why?
This way has to be cheaper then therapy.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Oldest car I have ever seen!
I didn't have much time to take pictures last weekend I was busy running the bean bag toss at the kids fun day for the local Odd Fellows Lodge. If you don't know of this organization look it up, and join today. They have been around for 175 years, and it is pretty fun.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Sun tans and percodans...
The weekend was good got a massive sunburn…which I like. Most people think I’m nuts for enjoying the slight pain of a sunburn, but to me it is the only thing that reminds me that I got to spend a little time outside when it was nicer enough to leave a semi lasting impression on me. I love that burn baby!
But as far as the rest of the world well BLAH…EXCEPT!!! Jerry Falwell died!
That has to be a highlight on my list. I think he was bat shit crazy. First to tell America, that we are being punished for kicking god out of everything , we got what we deserved on 9-11. He also tried and was unsuccessful, in suing Hustler and Larry Flint for a Campari parody ad Seen here. I remember this ad when it came out…laughed my ass off!!!
But now who will run the “Moral Majority” Who will fill the self righteous shoes of Jerry? His stance against the WTC made my stomach hurt, my head hurt and it confused me. How is it in today’s day and age we still have a big faction of people thinking that some mysterious being is in charge? I mean it is just like that “other side” guy John whatever, where he can make whatever answer you give to his vague questions fit the story he is concocting to make you feel better about your lost loved ones.
If the tornado blows away your crop, it was God’s punishment for not praying enough. If you have a record harvest your reward. Or it may have nothing to do with anything what so ever. Back in the good old days of the old testament the Jews made a law that they shouldn’t eat pork,. It is a good law, it is said that it is because it is a filthy beast that wallows in it’s on shit. BUT In all reality it had to do with the fact that pork is one of the most volatile meats on the market, not as bad as puffer fish for killing power but one slip up and you have a camp full of Jews blowing mud outta their asses for a full day. So a law? Or just a good idea? The old Jews knew that the only way they could make ALL of the people stop eating pork and possibly dying from dysentery, was to make it read like it was a pact with god.
So should we still believe all of that bullshit? No. Personally I’m pretty excited that Ol Jerry bought the farm and I think that the conversation went something like this;
God: YO Jerry!
Jerry: Holy shit who is that?
God: It’s me you twat, the guy you have been “Praying” too for 50 years, the guy what won’t fucking talk back because I think you’re a douchbag…yeah well I got something to say to you today…
Jerry:” OH DEAR LORD FINNALY I KNEW YOU’D TALK TO ME!!! Please Lord, what wisdom can I give the masses?
Jerry: "Knock Knock?
God: “KNOCK! FUCKING KNOCK! JERRY!!
Jerry: “Who’s there”
God: FUCK YOU YOU’RE DEAD.
And then God Squeezed Jerry’s heart until it became a a half quart of meat paste and sent his soul to surf on the lake a fire for all eternity.
Keep a seat warm for me Jerry! I’ll see you in HELL!
Friday, May 11, 2007
An esteemed professor of archeology was back from a dig in Israel where the oldest
settlement in that part of the world had been discovered, along with a tablet containing
drawings of what was thought to be the world's oldest writing.
The professor was there to give a slide show lecture and the hall was packed, standing
Finally, the tablet was discussed and a likeness of the symbols was put on the overhead
projector for all to see. You could hear a pin drop as the Professor explained his findings.
"The first symbol as you see is a woman - which we take to mean that this society held
women as equals if not in high respect and as an important part of life, showing their social
sophistication. Next we have a donkey, proving their domestication of of animals. Next we
have a shovel which ties in with the donkey - in that it symbolizes farming and working of
the land, cultivation of crops and building homes. Next we see a fish, further proving this
idea of a productive society that had the ability to farm and fish. And last, we see a Star of
David, showing that even at the beginning of what we can call recorded history of that area,
the people were religious and they saw this religion as the cornerstone of their family, work,
and culture together."
The room was quiet, reflecting with admiration, the simple ways of these people.
Then from the back came the voice of an old man.
"Excuse me?", he said. "I don't mean to cause a problem, but you have it all wrong".
"What do you mean?", called the professor as all heads turned.
"Well," said the old man, "this is from Israel, so you're reading Hebrew. Hebrew is read
right-to-left. You translated it left-to-right. According to my translation, it should really read:
"Holy mackerel - dig the ass on that broad!"
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
funny in a weird way...
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the
discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious Rev. Jackson asks the
class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered:
'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a
runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
I'm afraid not, "explains the exalted Reverend Al. That's what we
would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In
a stern voice he says: 'If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and
Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can
you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a
great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Monday, May 07, 2007
WHAT A MESS....
Tornadoes, flooding, thunder, massive amounts of lightning , dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA! Well ok it is just rain, but the way people drive you’d think you couldn’t see farther than the hood of your car. Oh and by the way, for all of you naysayers out there who haven’t used RainX because you don’t think any of it is true….well it is ALL true I put that shit on my windshield and I can’t believe the difference it makes in visibility. So cruise on down to O’Rileys and buy a single serving RainX cloth, for .99 cents, and get to wiping! It is amazing.
My mom and my older brother are really pushing me to watch,the secret, Mom says it is life changing, but the brother says it is life changing, and he has proof. Apparently using whatever techniques they want to teach you in this DVD helps you win at the casinos. The older brother hit two jackpots in one night for approx $4500. So I don’t know about you but I do know that none of my friends are so wealthy that they can just say, “$4500, well, no I couldn’t use an extra $ 4500, I’ll let someone else have that”. Yeah right. So sometime this week I’m jumping on Oprah’s band wagon and I’m going to check out the secret, of whatever it is.
The last time I read a book involving a secret, there were a bunch of REALLY smart rats in it and they had this cool under ground laboratory, complete with electricity. SO I hope this one is a little more realistic.
My clients dropped a big bomb shell on me last Friday, I kept trying to fall asleep so I could wake up and pretend that it is all a bad dream. They have decided to wait until Jan 08 for their products roll out. Why is this a problem you ask? Well probably because this is the 3rd time they have pushed everything back. It was supposed to happen last January, then March, and then June, and then August, now January. Again, I can hear the internal dialogue, “Why is this a problem?” Because we had 90% of the components bought and shipped to us in February for the first “real” deadline, so we now have to sit on everything for almost a full year. Not to mention that my client also wants a full detailed invoice of how much money they will lose, if they terminate the project.
Here is a little piece of advice, for free no less. If you have a new product that you want to merchandise in retail stores around the globe, do me a favor, WAIT UNTIL IT IS COMPLETELY TESTED AND BUILT, AND SITTING ON A DOCK IN CHINA BEFORE YOU FUCKING CALL ME!! So I won’t see the rest of my sales commission until next year. Yeah I needed that money to pay for a bit of the trips I am planning for the first time in my life. I thought FINALLY! I have worked hard and someone noticed, and I will have a little extra cash for some luxuries, but no.
No let’s fuck Nightmare in the ass and not even give him a little reach around. Just ass rape him, prison style, and leave him sticky, broke and confused.
Did I mention how much I hate people?
Friday, May 04, 2007
FUN with photos
See how much fun I have been having!!!
Thursday, May 03, 2007
some of you people out there need to try this here so I can see if it works.
Oh and holy shit this just in!
A guy I went to high school with is now at large and running from the cops! He tried to kill his soon to be ex-wife and her boyfriend two days ago, ran off into the woods and disappeared! read the whole story here
What has my generation turned into? Bunch of serious murderers and thugs! Fuck I used to play football with this guy, his older brother was in my class, we were friends...this is kinda freaking me out a little.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Weight off of my....gut
It was Dec. 22nd 2005 in NKC Hospital when Bouby's G-pa was sick and fixing to pass on to the next level...kinda like a video game, when her Daddy-O asked me to climb on a scale that was like a small animal scale at the vets office, I refused, I was embarrassed, I knew I had ballooned up nicely, I just couldn't see an end to the eating, OR my feet really, but I did no that when I started something I would need to keep doing what ever it was to keep the ball rolling...more ball rolling, less fat rolling.
So when no one was looking I did get on that scale, and was shocked to find out I was 350 lbs. How in the fuck did that happen? I was always a big guy, hell I got a picture of me and my older brother standing next to each other when we were 4 and 5, (he is sporting a nice shiner, more on that later) and I'm almost a full foot taller then he is. BUT 350??" Fuck that is a fat ass.
So I started trying to eat less and spend more time on the elliptical. then the summer came and went and I was hip deep in doing someone else's job as well as trying to do mine too, and lo and behold I dropped 42 lbs.basically because I didn't time or energy to eat, and I was on my feet moving 12-14 hrs a day. So eat less and exercise seems to work..who knew?
So I then have knee surgery right before the holidays, yeah I know now not a wise choise, can't work out and free food, LOTS of free food. So I put back on 30 of my 42 lbs from October-February. Back to super fat ass status! YAY ME!
Then my fatness started sliding over on to Bouby and she got tired of buying new clothes, so she told me we needed to do something and lose some fucking poundage, and quick because we were starting to look like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka. So we did and joined a national slim you down forever place and are paying a shit bag of money so we feel obligated to stay on the diet and not slack off.
But I am for the first time in 4 years under 300lbs...like 298, but still it is under ...until I snap and eat an entire large pizza, but so far so good.
The best thing about losing weight...It is easier to cut the grass with the tool shed out of the way....Manscaping is so much easier.