Tuesday, May 30, 2006


weekend in review

I was talking with Bouby yesterday morning about mandatory seat belt laws and seat belt checkpoints. We both feel that this “law” and these periodic checkpoints to try and enforce this law are not only silly but completely un-necessary.

Shut up. I can hear your internal dialog starting…

“But when stupid people don’t wear their seat belts the insurance rates go up, and that is a problem for everyone.”

Not if the insurance companies pulled the strings the right way. See what they aren’t doing is making policy that would make sense to everyone. Instead of making the state and federal lawmakers create a law that forces people to do something that more than ½ of them don’t want to do anyway. They should just make company policy that says…

Wait for it….

Wait for it….

“If you are in an accident and you are not wearing your seat belt then you only get 1/4th the money that your policy would pay if you were wearing your seat belt.”

Simple. Effective. And would work better than if you keep making laws and paying cops to try and enforce them when there are rapists and snuff filmmakers running amok.

This way if you are caught in a wreck and you have no insurance, then you go to jail. If you are in a wreck and NOT wearing your seat belt, then you only get a pittance. If you are wearing it well you get the kings reward for being a good subject and following the good sense laws.

Cheaper insurance for everyone. More people actually PAYING for the wrecks when they don’t have insurance.

What? What?What? Paying for the wrecks when they don’t have insurance? What do you mean by that? Well if they don’t have insurance they get sentenced to an Insurance “work” farm where they pay off the amount of the damage plus interest buy doing manual labor. Then the banks and insurance companies could team up and have contract labor forces to do all of the jobs that the illegal aliens are doing.

Sunday, May 28, 2006


Trumped up

Thursday, May 25, 2006


The Second Coming of Christ

Maybe David Blain is the second coming of Jesus.

David Blain could be the son of God (if that is who you choose to believe in). I am serious here, let’s recap all of Jesus’ miracles;

Walk on water
Healed the sick
Turned water into wine
Died for the sins of mankind

Ok so David Blain just did this on his TV show last night;

Filled and sealed an empty AND crushed beer can with BEER! He does this again with a empty Coca Cola can.
Stood on a 100’ pillar for 35 hours, then jumped into a bunch of cardboard boxes
Made a wine glass shatter with his mind
Reached through a plate glass window to get a woman’s watch back that he stole off of her wrist.
Hammers a nail all the way through a board with his bare hand. (ironic huh?)
A young boy's fear of snakes is overcome by him(David/Jesus) eating a small snake and it reappearing in the boy's backpack.
Made a dead fly come back to life in the hands of a cop.

Seriously what if this is the missing parts of the bible. We have no idea what Jesus did from about 12-35 years of age. Maybe he spent those years doing “magic”! fooling people with his “miracles” and doing sleight of hand to entertain the masses. I mean it all kind of fits, he had a gift and he used it to make something besides chairs. They SAY he was a carpenter, but maybe they were just too scared to say he was a street performer. And the people started to write stories about his exploits, (Because they didn’t have TV) and word gets around, he gets called to all of the big parties and hundreds of people start showing up and when he can’t make it the Pharaohs get all angry and have him sentenced. Judas was his manager, and told them where his gig was so they could go pick him up. Then they told him to do some real magic and “miracle” his ass off the cross.

Naturally he couldn’t.

BUT!! They always said he was going to come back and I think he has and he is repeating the past. Doing tricks for the masses, and if he ever gets hooked up with Tom Cruise he could be made into the next son of God. And William Kalush is his Judas

It is about time.

Friday, May 19, 2006


When in Doubt ...Give a shout out!

I wish I could wax on about my job more then I do. I don’t think my boss(s) would enjoy my spewing of anger and frustration as much as I would. I mean it is one thing to be like Rob, and get to wallow in somewhat obscurity in the New York nightclub scene, or The Waiter who has done a great job of protecting his identity and his bistro. But my job is in such a highly specialized, niche market, that if I was to talk about any of the stuff more than I already do the people who sign my paychecks might stop doing exactly that and then I would be in deep doo-doo.

The main reason I would like to talk and tell about my job is because we do some seriously cool things. But I can’t and as Charlie has reminded me if I don’t have anything to contribute….then don’t.

So I was playing Putt-Putt golf last night with the JAYCEES and out of the 6 people who actually showed up I kicked that ASS!! I totally spanked them. It was a good time by all. I also got a work out partner out of deal and I hope to drop a couple of tons so I will look extra sexy in my thong bathing suit.


Yeah, that gave ME the heebie jeebies too.

So this weekend is Bouby’s Birthday, and I think I’m going to blow a ton of cash on something like a giant ceramic grey hound, like Joey had on “friends”. I think she’ll really dig that!! Well it is either that or a years supply of those little trees you hang from your mirror so your car don’t smell. I can’t make up my mind.

I wanted to Thank Clarity for creating a unique and fantastic father’s day gift for me. I sent her this picture of my dad and she is going to make a charcoal portrait from it. I think it will make the old guy cry like a little girl with a skinned knee.

I love this picture of my Dad, he is 20 years old and on board ship in Formosa. If you look at the flag behind him it is kind of weird because it was before America Assimilated Hawaii and Alaska....so there are only 48 stars on it. Kind of Cool I think.

I want to encourage anyone who would like to give a groovy gift like this, to contact Clarity, not only is she a truly gifted artist her rates are more than reasonable.

Just don’t tell my Pops that he is getting this present….I want to surprise him!!

Thursday, May 18, 2006


Funky Dippintush

Because I'm WAY too busy to wax poetically today I leave you with a dumb yet funny game! Tell me what your new name is in the comments!

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

The following is excerpted from a children's book,
Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot
Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey,
in which the evil Professor forces everyone
to assume new names...

1. Use the third letter of your first name to
determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to
determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to
determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is:
Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Monday, May 15, 2006


The boys of summer

I found this picture when I was cleaning my Aunt’s house two months ago. I love this picture. I scanned it in very LARGE so I could zoom in really close and look at the faces of these boys.

The boys of summer.

If you look in their faces you can still see the boyhood wonderment, the sense of adventure. They can’t even fathom that in less then 10 years all of their lives will change. Some for the better some for the worse. Some will die in a war, others will turn to the bottle and mental abuse, just like their dad. Some will move away, Some will stay in the small town they were born in and raise a family, they will go to the high school and watch the foot ball games every Friday night even if their kid isn’t playing anymore.

Thousands of fortunes will be made and lost. Love will blossom, hearts will be broken and yet they will endure on.

These bonds that are created when you are a group of friends with nothing more on your mind then the pick up game of baseball in the empty lot that used to be where old man Johnson’s Car repair used to be before it burned to the ground. Before girls and then women and mortgages and being forced to take over your fathers business because “college” is for those “other people”. These bonds can never be broken. For one shinning moment in time they were free. Free of the burdens of society. Where rich kid stood side by side with the share cropper to play a game, where if you could hit the ball, nothing else mattered.

The sun on your back, the smell of the sparse grass and the taste of the dust when you slid into the old tire that served as second base. Do you think that Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds can even remember this? I don’t think they ever had the opportunity and that is sad.

I can remember my sandlot gang. We were amazingly identical to the kids in the movie, except as the token fat kid I didn’t play catcher, I played center field, I had the arm for it. I once threw a kid out at home from the centerfield fence.

But this isn’t about my memories, it is about the thoughts and memories of the boys in the picture. When this was taken the only thoughts they had were of fun and sun and being home in time to do chores and eat supper.

This photo was taken around 1928-31. No one can identify the boys.

I can hold this picture in my hands and smell and taste the summer of 1977.

Saturday, May 13, 2006


Living on Tulsa Time.....

I believe that my career as a button maker for kiosks has come to an end.

I spent an amazing 16 days in the graphics department making buttons. My thumbs hurt from squishing the receiver into the cintra button panel and then adding a dome to the top and then applying the graphic overlay, testing the continuity, and then putting the whole kit and caboodle in a box…..7200 times.

I am the worlds greatest button builder.

Have you ever stopped to wonder what the world would be like if there was no such thing as buttons?

What would we push? How would we ring a door bell…well in that case I’m guessing we would use a cool pull chord like in the castles and fancy Hollywood style film houses. But really ATM’s wouldn’t work, there would be no remote controls, even the oldest AM car radio had presets, what if they weren’t there?

Weird huh? When you spend so much time doing the same thing your mind kind of turns to mush.

Global Warming…Sorry **SEGUE**

Global Warming…..
I’m liking it. It is causing tornados at Christmas and mild summers, and cold springs, it is great to be in the Midwest at this time. Not so good to be anywhere else but the Midwest is pretty cool. I wouldn’t want to be in oh say like Taiwan, or New Orleans, but Kansas City is nice and mellow finally. When I was a kid it was double digit below temps every winter and triple digit summers. Last year it barely got above 95 for longer than a week. And we only had to use ice melt 2 days last winter. I love that! It is one step closer to living in the islands!!

This weekend is dedicated to complete and total slothery.

Enjoy your couch time.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


College Fricking Rocks!

When I was living in Chico CA. for the first year I lived in a full house. Now I don’t mean a full house like itr was packed to the roof ….all though it was one of those too, I’m talking about a Full House as in Poker. That’s right we had 3 of one kind two of another in our house.

I lived with these 3 black guys two of them were gang bangers and the other guy was the second whitest black man I have ever met, second only to Fast Freddie, who went to an all white high school. Then there was Disco Bob and me.

Yes his name was Disco Bob, the three Bruthas were Hurricane Pye, Baby Joe and Sid the Butcher. A more diverse house you will never find. We were known as the 4th street Posse. That was the way we rolled.

I was also thrust into the wonderful world of “gangster rap”. And when I say thrust I mean rudely awakened at 6 am every morning to Eazy E and Dr. Dre singing ( I use that term loosely) Eazy duz it, at full volume through 6 speakers and one sub that was roughly the size of the amp in “Back to the Future”. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Eazy E and his hit song Eazy duz it, here is the first stanza…can I call it a stanza? Maybe it is the first paragraph in the lyrics of the song….or is it a reading?

Fuck I don’t know, here is what I was blasted out of bed with EVERY morning!

Well I'm Eazy-E, I got bitches galore
You may have a lot of bitches but I got much more
Wit my super duper group coming out to shoot
Eazy-E, muthafukas cold knocking the boots
'Cause I'm a hip-hop thugster, I used to be a mugster
If you heard Compton, you think I own a drugstore
Getting stupid because I know how
And if a sucker talks shit, I give him a (POW)
8 ball sipping, the bitches are flipping
Slow down, I hit a dipping, continue my tripping
Hitting my switches, collect from my bitches
The money that I make so I can add to my riches
Fill my stash box and start rubbing my gat
Feeling good as hell because my pockets are fat
A hardcore villian cold roaming the streets
And wit a homie like Dre just supplying the beats

Nice and cheery huh?

The reason I had a flash back to those glory days of ballin and bitches, was because of the Natalie Portman skit on SNL. If you haven’t seen this yet please click here And make sure that you have peed already because I almost wet my pants when I watched this.

We had a lot of fun that semester in college. I was the poorest mutha fucker in the world back then. It seems that Chico State had a influx of students like never before seen, and there was a HUGE housing shortage. I ended up with the 4th Street Posse because I agreed (read begged) to split the rent of the 2 bedroom house as long as I got to use the otherwise unoccupied laundry room. So everyone’s rent was 88 bucks a month and 1/5th the utilities. And I had trouble keeping that paid….there just wasn’t a housing shortage, there was also a job shortage.

I had to work as a telemarketer.

Fuck you it was for the Northern California Burn Foundation. It helped little kids….I think. That is the script I got.

So that is the story I’m sticking to.

I’ll add more posse stories later…I got some doozies!

Friday, May 05, 2006


WOW I FORGOT ........

Ok Here is a tale of working like a slave and getting a smallish bonus for all of my efforts and still not liking my job any more then a case of the clap.

Well I guess that wasn’t a very good tale no was it?

I have been putting in 12-14 hour days making buttons.

Dome buttons for a kiosk. We even invented an MP3 player , designed the cabinet, made the buttons, assembled them all….all 3000 of them right her in good old KCMO USA.

Did we remember to show our patriotism, and make sure they all had the “Made in America” sticker?


Were we smart enough to take advantage of 3000 pieces of advertising, and put a company sticker on each and everyone with a phone number or web site?


Did I think of this at kiosk number 2550?


Did my “superiors” think of it at all?


Did my company wide email make them look a little careless and silly?

Maybe…doubtful but maybe.

Anyway While I was stuck in hell with my button making friends I was subjected to bands you will never hear on the radio, and music that made me feel old. All of the tunes and singers sounded identical and I found myself saying things my dad said to me when I would play KISS and Iron Maiden, “What the hell is this I am listening to?”, ”When is this song over?” “Who the hell sings like this?”. “WHAT IS THAT FUCKING NOISE?”

So to break the monotonous noise of the next generation of Motzart, I told stories. Some of them sparked memories of stories that I need to retell and a couple that I haven’t thought of in years but are pretty funny….well funny if you like to laugh at other peoples pain…mainly mine but still funny.

Broken spines and college books:

It was about a 2 weeks after I broke my back and the tri-mester was just starting up and I was getting around in a wheelchair, not because I was in a body cast or anything too bad I was in a brace that made desks hard to near impossible to get in and out of, so it was easier to just drive around in a wheel chair.

I had given up a scholarship to attend a better non paying school with the hope of going to somewhere better than I would have if I would have stayed at the paying JC. So I felt somewhat entitled to free stuff, free stuff like ALL of my books and school supplies. And with my chair I had a mobile shopping/shoplifting device.

Here is how it would work, I would roll into the book store and get lost in the stacks and start looking for the books I needed, as I found them I would stand up and slip them under my ass. I would then roll over to the check out counter and buy some pens and a pack of gum, roll out and head to class fully loaded and ready for the semester.

I even went back and “bought” some books for my roommates and a severely discounted rates.

Here is the kicker, since I didn’t spend my book money on books, and I made money on a couple of friends, we partied like 80’s style rock stars for a week or so. And then at the end of the semester we returned our books for even MORE money! And partied again!! I loved college!

The reason it worked? Because as Americans we are taught to not stare at the handicapped and to be polite, also people didn’t know for sure if I could stand up or if I was paralyzed, …no one knew for sure what happened after the rumor mill got done with me.

It was like I was a prism. I would bend light so I was invisible. It was a very lucrative semester.




More then likely…

Was it fun to stick it to the man while I could do it with out spending the rest of my life in jail?


Do like Jimmy Buffett says and:
“…So every now and then when I'm in a grocery
I'll take a little but not much
'Cause you never know when the hard times will hit ya
And I don't want to lose my touch.”

Wednesday, May 03, 2006


Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit....

Please beware you can be sued for ANYTHING in America!

Ad Agency Sues Blogger For Defamation

Action Follows Public Battle Over Maine Tourism Ad Work

NEW YORK (AdAge.com) -- An ad agency that specialized in travel advertising is suing a Maine-based blogger for defamation after he began to post regularly about the work the agency was doing for its client, the state of Maine.
Maine's tourism advertising is the issue in the battle between blogger Lance Dutton and the Warren Kremer Paino agency. ALSO: COMMENT on this story in the 'Your Opnion' box below.
Maine's tourism advertising is the issue in the battle between blogger Lance Dutton and the Warren Kremer Paino agency. ALSO: COMMENT on this story in the 'Your Opnion' box below.

Warren Kremer Paino Advertising, New York, filed suit April 14 against Lance Dutson for copyright infringement, defamation and trade libel and injurious falsehood.

Mr. Dutson, a freelance Web designer who also does Internet advertising, says he became critical of the Maine Office of Tourism in October 2005 when he learned the office had bid for broad search terms that bumped into the interests of his clients. He also argued the Internet-advertising strategy was misguided because he said the office bid on general geographic terms like the names of cities in Maine. Therefore potential tourists must already be interested in the state to be led to the state's tourism Web site, he said.

'Pissing away tax money'

According to Mr. Dutson's blog, the Maine Office of Tourism had tried to respond to his concerns. But in February, Mr. Dutson learned of WKPA's involvement and expanded the criticism to them including a reference to them as "some big company in New York with no ties to the state, pissing away tax money." (See more of Mr. Dutson's posts and a copy of the lawsuit at mainewebreport.com.)

Tom McCartin, president of WKPA, is most concerned about Mr. Dutson's public posts because if potential clients search for Warren Kremer Paino on Google, they will likely see Mr. Dutson's critique-filled blog before the agency's own Web site. As a result, Mr. McCartin says his business, which sees capitalized billings in the $40 million range, has been hurt. And he wants to protect his reputation.

On Feb. 28, Mr. Dutson did notice in his blog's stats that someone found his site through a Google search for "Paino Advertising." "This can't be good for the company's reputation," Mr. Dutson wrote at that time.

A month later, the war had escalated. According to Mr. Dutson's blog, he received a letter from WKPA's lawyers requesting that he remove the defamatory material and replace it with an apology. He was also soon threatened with a lawsuit.

Five-minute meeting?

Still, before the suit, Mr. McCartin said the blogger had been invited to a meeting by Maine's Office of Tourism specifically to answer his questions. But Mr. Dutson only stayed five minutes, Mr. McCartin said.

Then mid-April, the lawsuit was filed, and on the 27th Mr. Dutson described in his blog how the sheriff served him the suit in front of his kids and neighbors. Mr. Dutson has not yet responded to the suit. He has until May 12 to do so. The amount of the damages is yet to be determined.

"At this point after seeing this reaction my hope is that the platform for an open and progressive debate about how Maine acts as a steward toward its most important industry would come to the surface," Mr. Dutson said.

The litigation is now getting widespread attention from multiple blogs and The Boston Globe. The Media Bloggers Association has even jumped in with its support of Mr. Dutson.

The issue is getting more notoriety because of the suit than the blog could have conjured alone, said Steve Rubel, blogger and senior VP of Edelman's Me2Revolution group.

Last resort

"The last thing you want to do is sue [bloggers]," Mr. Rubel said. The publicity will be so negative that you probably would save face by negotiating as far as you can, he said. Publicity is bound to be bad for the agency because it is suing an individual who likely doesn't have the same defensive resources.

Mr. McCartin agrees that litigation is a last resort. "I wish there had been some other avenues that we could have pursued," he said.

So what about the interests of the Maine Office of Tourism? The office spent about $3.9 million in 2004 and $1.6 million between January and October of 2005 on advertising based on TNS Media Intelligence.

"The media attention is certainly hurting my business much more than it is hurting tourism to Maine," Mr. McCartin said.

Dann Lewis, director of the Maine Office of Tourism, hesitated to comment on the litigation and whether he felt that Mr. Dutson's blog was hurting his office's image. But he did say, "I don't see that [the lawsuit] has any particular effect on our brand image."

Press attention that his office is receiving in relation to the suit is an unfortunate side effect and the affect on his brand is dependant on how the thoroughly media research and report the story, he said.

His main concern is maintaining his daily business. "The only thing that's hurting us is it's distracting a number of my staff from dealing with the issues that really matter here…our day to day activity in promoting tourism to Maine," he said.

As far as WKPA is concerned, Mr. Lewis said he is pleased with the advertising work the agency has provided and said he'd hire them again tomorrow. The suit is totally irrelevant as far as he is concerned, Mr. Lewis said.

Mr. Rubel, however, believes the office of tourism may be negatively affected due to its association with WKPA.


So what is the best way to handle a blogger that you think might be negatively affecting your brand image? Mr. Rubel laid out a game plan.

  • The first step is to contact the blogger and discuss the issue in a non-threatening way. See if you can reach an agreement.
  • Second, you might have to accept what you cannot change. It's the bloggers' rights to communicate their opinions as long as the information was obtained through legal channels.
  • Try to find a third party to broker a discussion between you and the blogger.
  • Blog back, but only if you already have a blog.