Sunday, October 29, 2006
IKEA Is cool even if you're DEAD!
SO I’m surfing the net looking at a couple of different websites that help me find customers as well as give me design ideas for current customers. One of these websites is Springwise, it is very cool and shows you new innovations from around the globe. And generally gives you websites so if it is something that you really want you can have UPS deliver it to your front door. Here is a Dutch product that I think is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
EveryBody Special is a new, low-cost wooden coffin created to meet extreme demand during emergency situations.
Designed by Dutch EveryBody Coffins, the EveryBody Special is a modular coffin that's extremely easy to assemble. No tools, nails or screws are required – the pieces just click together. The standard material used is 12 mm multilayered wood, and more environmentally friendly options are also available.
Since they're lightweight and packaged in flat-packs (Ikea-style), transporting EveryBody coffins is very cost efficient: up to 570 extra large (XL) caskets fit into a 20 foot container. Combined with their easy assembly, this makes the coffins highly suitable for burial and cremation in disaster areas and epidemic situations. The company hopes to offer a more dignified, humane alternative to plastic body bags that are often the only option when large-scale disaster strikes.
Besides selling to governmental and aid organisations, EveryBody is also offering its product to commercial distributors in those regions where consumers will welcome a low-cost alternative to expensive caskets. As we've pointed out before, everything can be reinvented!
I can’t wait to die now so I can have all of my friends and family spend some quality time together so they can assemble my final resting place. IKEA for the afterlife.
This possibly could be one of the signs of the apocalypse.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Is there a Dr. in the house?
I shut down production today at 3pm so I could go get my knee X-rayed.
Since my NEW knee Dr.’s radiology department doesn’t take my insurance I needed to go across town to an X-ray chop shop. And they took three pictures on my knee and sent me on my way with the films for my new Dr. and my appt which is scheduled for next Tuesday.
As we all know this knee of mine is no stranger to the knife or scope it has seen it a couple of times and it seems to make itself feel better after every time they cut on it. And since I have been in and out of the operating room and hospitals since I was a baby, I have been self taught at the art of reading my own X-rays.
So I have been peaking at my films for the last 15 mins.
I need a new knee.
My Knee is worn out, and I’m too young for a replacement. I have two areas of bone on bone contact and a whole joint full of arthritis.
When I was in high school I tore my Meniscus cartilage, they sewed it back to the bone, it was a cutting edge surgery and it allowed me to continue to play football at a minimum of college level, and would have carried me through to the pros had it not been for that pesky alcohol problem and falling off of the deck of a house and crushing 3 vertebrae and hairline fracturing 6 others. But that is a horse of a different color.
My knee has been good to me with the occasional “floater”, which is a piece of cartilage that has been chopped off and is floating around inside of my knee. Yeah I know gross.
So anyway I’m looking at possible surgery hopefully sooner than later, but I need to have someone besides me and a bottle of rum and a scalpel, get the pain to stop.
If I was older by 20 years I would get a groovy new knee where they take a hand saw and cut off the joint at both ends and then use a dead blow hammer to drive in the titanium pieces into the marrow of both ends of the leg and then snap them together with an audible click and place a fake knee cap on top like a cherry. And then they would repeat this every 10 years as I wear it out.
I wish I was older.
Fuck now I sound like I did when I was 14.
PS That is not my knee in the pic...I stole it.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Anger and why I need it...
I have been once again mired in the horrible stress of work and the mean shit that causes me to be a huge asshole at work and to people who are too dumb to know they are that dumb, so I feel depressed because I taunt the stupid, and they don’t know any better, because, hey lets face it they are stupid.
So I tend to get depressed and frustrated at stupid people and in-efficiency and that is what I focus on. I concentrate so hard on how much those people and that kind of shit makes me angry enough to eat nails and shit barbed wire, that I can’t see anything else and my work anger overtakes my normal day to day anger and that is what I use to keep myself warm at night.
For instance I’m currently watching a movie with my Mom in a motel room in Indianapolis and since I haven’t been to work in two days I have no anger to help fuel my regular rants. I have nothing mean to say about anything, anyone, anywhere……nothing.
So here is a happy rant.
You know what I really like? Love stories, sappy. cry because you’re happy, love stories. I like the movie “The Notebook”, I also like “Steel Magnolias” and Fried Green Tomatoes. They are classic feel good movies that make the heart soar and hurt all at the same time. There is no explosions, fire trucks, guns, hookers, just good writing and nice drama. I like that.
I know that these are classified as chick flicks, and that guys aren’t supposed to like but I do anyway. I am completely secure in my sexuality so I can say those touchy feely movies are good movies regardless of what the macho cock suckers who secretly want to blow each other say.
Hey there is a little bit of the old anger….
Guys who think because you like something that isn’t traditionally male, or testosterone driven is gay. More than likely those same guys are the ones keeping the gay porn industry alive, not to mention a line at the I-70 rest stop glory hole. Fucking closet homos! Stop beating your wife and kids because you can’t handle what people say when you go back to work with your breath stinking of strange man juice.
Whew I feel much better now.
Another thing I hate, Man hating lesbians. It is not MY fault that I have a built on cock and you have to buy yours with straps. Stop trying to stare me down and make me feel bad. I will stomp your ugly man looking face in if you try that pseudo man attitude on me. I am a man, you want to be a man, I have been taking hormones for 39 years via my nut sack, you have been shooting testosterone into your ass with a needle for 6 months. I will beat you like a rented mule. BACK FUCKING OFF!
Foreigners in airports- Stop being mad. You are the reason that we have lines, and less freedom in the airport. Had you decided that those same crazy sand fleas that are keeping the war alive and killing innocent and solider alike were worth killing YEARS ago, then we wouldn’t have had to do it now under the guise of an oil war.
Coffee shop poets- SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SUCK! No one likes you stupid poems, they are not deep and they do not reach anyone’s soul. They only make sense to you and the dumb bitch you call a girlfriend because her doctor won’t prescribe anything heavier. So you get to deal with her psychosis and she is forced to tell you how your crappy poems touch her like she has never been touched, and make her heart soar. So shut up and fuck off.
Teen age girls- Stop dressing like whores. The next time I see some pre-teen or just barely teen chick with “juicy” written on her ass I’m going to stick my finger in there and check the moisture level.
Teen age girl parents- Your daughters are whores. Cut and Dry. They suck the cocks of old guys for cash. Cash for sex=whore.
Wow I am really getting into the swing of things here.
By the way…NONE of my temps knew who Winston Churchill was. And I had such high hopes for the next gen!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
waiting for the end of time so I can end my time with you.....
The exact time when my day went to shit.
It seems that my days of project management will continue to almost thanksgiving.
The hits just keep coming!
Also since I have been giving my time to project management I have been relying heavily on other people to help me pick up the slack and do some of my scut work to keep my big client happy. Well needless to say I have a ½ assed presentation, and bad pricing.
I have to make a choice soon.
Either my sanity or my job.
I told a co-worker today if they tried to make me a permanent project manager, I was going to look for a new job.
I may not wait.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Monday, Monday....(insert musical note to show I was singing)
My weekend was cut short by having to work yet again on Saturday, but I did manage to get a ton of shit done as well as my haircut, so I’m now 63.2% sexier then I was last week.
I know it will be hard to keep my hands off of me.
I have had to start wearing belts and underwear again. Not because they are stylish or comfortable, but because if I don’t then my pants fall off and my tiny pee pee gets exposed to the elements, and believe you me NO one wants to see that. So I endure.
I bought new underwear a couple of weeks ago, and I have to say, underwear has came a long way since I stopped wearing them in the late 80’s. Not that designs have changed much, but they seem to be making them out of super soft and snuggly material that rubs me in all the right places.
Yeah I’m sure that this is exactly what you wanted to hear. “Fat guy likes underwear because they feel groovy”! Well who would have known? I mean the last pair I had were tighty whiteys and they preformed their function, you know support and cleanliness, to a perfect tee, but they just weren’t comfy. I did have a girlfriend who once bought me a pair that were called “The Pouch”, they were boxer briefs, (which is the style I prefer now) and they had extra room in the junk area, and WOW those were great. I wore them until my unit was no longer supported by the waist band (which was all that was left), but I can’t seem to find those in the stores anymore. I wonder if they stopped making them.
Anyway, I have about 10 more days of temp wrangling, well that is until they find something else cool out about me and force me into doing more of this shit that I hate, and I will be in Indianapolis this weekend to visit my Million dollar client, we have a Friday meeting, BUT then I get to see my Mom!! I’m pretty excited! Since she has moved to “the Knob” in Indiana, I don’t get to commune with her much. So I made my plane ride last a bit longer so I can spend the weekend with her and her friends. It should be pretty fun.
And now I can hear the temps starting to break things downstairs so I should go monitor them, otherwise they could hurt themselves with the Styrofoam packing material or miscellaneous cardboard boxes.
Oakland Raiders still suck, Kansas State Wildcats still suck, and there needs top be more skin on TV!
Peas in your Hood!
Friday, October 13, 2006
Weight loss the old fashion way...
The Work Diet plan!
Stop sitting at your desk, couple it with the added stress of managing temp help and no time for lunch and snacking, as well as walking 200+miles a day and VIOLIA…-37 lbs!
That’s right in the 4-5 short weeks of constant motion and stress, I have dropped 37 lbs, I am wearing jeans that I haven’t had on for three years with no need for a belt! I’m pretty happy about this but I still have the headache to mach a much fatter man.
I also know that losing 37lbs to me is like throwing a brief case off the Titanic, but still I’M IN MUCH SMALLER PANTS!!
So Raiders still suck the Wildcats suck, my job is more than a headache than I want, and Temps are globally stupid. Other than that it is a perfect world and all is right with the universe.
Coffee is ready and the temps are starting to show up and annoy me, so I’m off to the land of delusional ghetto life and kiosk building. The roll out for the nrew Radio Shack kiosks is Monday, so go visit you local store and tell me how cool the Sirius display is next week!!
Oh and I think I’m taking my new camera back, I don’t like the slowness of the shutter, and focusing. I will need to upgrade to a SLR I think. Which is a Bazillion dollars more, and much larger than I want, but with all of the stuff I want on it.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
I was a bit premature in being excited about not being a project manager. It looks as if I will be a project manager AND a salesman for the next three weeks. I will also be kept on a different pay scale so I won’t be complaining about the job just that ass hammers and twat sickles that I am being forced to work with.
My meeting in Minneapolis wasn’t a complete success. It was a good meeting but naturally no one listens to the fat guy. When I expressed concerns about not following the guidelines set by the retailer for fixtures and colors and fonts used, did I get listened to and lauded over because I knew what the fuck I was talking about?
Did I get shhhushed and told not to worry that we will try and “bend, or press” those guidelines, because they want our product as much as we want our product in their stores.
So when the 400 pound Gorilla of a retailer saw our beautiful display they said things like” I love what you are doing with the lifestyle graphics, but no, that won’t be on the sales floor of our stores” and “Oh yes it does look like your companies colors, and we like that but when you get your own store you can keep those colors”.
So does it feel good for me to be right yet once again?
Does it piss me off because had they listened to me 6 weeks ago and did all of the things that I wanted to do, and that the retailer explained to us that it was the right way to do things, and that they want to see all of their vendors bend over and get fisted because their names are on the outside of the fucking stores and the DON’T really need my clients because there are 30-40 other people with similar products lined up and waiting to become vendors.
Yes, yes it does piss me off. Now we have to start somewhat over, but we also have the right guidelines, (the same ones I questioned 6 weeks ago) so we will be able to get a yes at the next meeting.
I also found out that my commission is not going to be 7%. It is going to be more like 1% or .5% . Basically if I sell a million dollar deal, I get 20K, if I sell 1.2 Million I get 25K and so on and so forth.
Bouby doesn’t believe I will see a dime of any commissions due to the fact that I haven’t seen a bonus or a raise in the first four years of my employment regardless of what I was doing for the company and where they decided to send me. Not to mention as being the only salesman left who actually sold something. She could be right but I like to give the benefit of the doubt to them and hope that they will see the error of their ways and if not I still have a couple of other irons in the fire and am just waiting to use them as a spring board to something new and exciting.
So in short, I will be making more money for another month, I will also have the headaches of temp labor, deadlines, lack of support from the head office and having to sell my million dollar clients during my lunch time.
I blew a ton of money at the casino last Saturday, but it was worth it because we had fun and the drinks were cheap.
I also spent an exuberant amount of money at Costco since I wanted a new camera. I bought a new Pentax Optio S7. It is a TINY TINY little 7mega pixel point and shoot digital. Well not exactly point and shoot I can do all kinds of groovy things with it , but it is certainly not as cool as my 35mm Minolta film camera. But I like it and I will be posting better quality pics just as soon as I take some. It also fits into my old Motorola Razr phone belt holder…which is pretty cool.
So here are a couple of pics I took while sitting around on the couch watching football.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
The Countdown Begins
For the money dummy! See I was yanked off of salary to make this deal happen and they have agreed to keep paying me on an increased hourly rate (including any overtime) for the next three weeks or more depending on how long it takes to get the next set of projects finished.
Using my crystal ball I can see that in the future I am driving a different car AND I just got back from a serious vacation.
Oh yes Money can rent happiness.
I am also flying up to Minneapolis on Thursday afternoon, to meet with a BIG time Corporation and my client which is another million dollar deal, and I have been told that I will get a handsome commission if I can bring the roll out home. Wish me luck, because I think my commission will be about 7% or 70K….now how cool would that be? Of course it could end up being only a firm handshake and a pat on the back which would solidify my search for a new gig or at least help make me see that by not bringing guns to work keeps me from shooting people in the face.
I know with all of the stupidity going on in today’s world I shouldn’t even joke about that, but sometimes I wonder why it doesn’t happen on a daily basis.
Peace out kids, it is time to herd cats, I mean wrangle temps.