Wednesday, January 23, 2008


Sure I was in the BAhamas but...

Xavier so eloquently put it last week that I was going to be in a tropical paradise while everyone else was stuck here in the frozen tundra, and dealing with sub-zero temperatures.

Well so fucking what!

Do you know how much of the island I got to see this time around?


We were up at 6:00am at the job site by 8:00, and we worked inside until 10:30 or 11:00 every night....inside the store, it was dark when we left.

So it doesn't really matter that I was in the Bahamas, I COULD HAVE BEEN IN FUCKING DULUTH FOR THAT MATTER! Being inside of a store for 52 hours over the course of 4 days does not leave much time for socializing on the beach, drinking fruity umbrella drinks or singing Jimmy Buffett karaoke. So for all of you people thinking it was all that and a bag of weed...well it's like Judas Priest says.."You got another thing coming".

Oh and get this, on the way home last night fucking Delta lost one of my bags. They say it will generally be on the following flight but they will let me know.

I hate fucking Delta. I have flown over a 100 times on Southwest, and even though they pack you in like cattle, they have YET to miss place my luggage. Or give me attitude.

I also had a big argument with some cum guzzling gutter slut who insisted that I was being "snarky" (whatever the fuck that means) when I was angry when some fucking JO-CO cunt was trying to jam a, obviously too fucking big a bag into the overhead compartment. She tried to tell me that I should be helping this woman, instead of pointing out that there was no fucking way on gods green earth that her particular bag would fit in that little size thingy and that I shouldn't be punished because I can fucking read and follow the rules posted by the airline.

Naturally Delta makes her point for her by promptly losing my bags.

So I'm grumpy, tired, pissed off, and OH YEAH NOT DONE!! I have to go back next Wednesday to fucking finish the job because our fucking ex-con woodworkers can't follow simple model directions. They made an entire piece backwards and shipped so now we look like a bunch of monkeys throwing shit at tourists.

I am so fucking in love with my work! One of these days I'm going to call one of these headhunters back and move the fuck on.

Thursday, January 17, 2008


We love to bend you over and it shows!!

So I was supposed to be on the 8:20 to Atlanta this morning, and then on the 2:40 to Nassau Bahamas for the second time in a month, because the last time they weren't ready for us, now they are and the airline decides that out of the 8 flights to Atlanta the ONE that are going to cancel due to "weather" was ours...and since they took it upon themselves to cancel that flight they also gave away our seats on the corresponding next leg to Nassau from Atl. So even if we could have to Atl. by the time our 2:20 flight took off we had no way to get to Nassau.

Delta....We love to fuck you up the ass...AND it shows!

Here is a picture from the last time I was there!!


I forgot to finish the fucked up part of this tale. DElta, wnt ahead and booked us on the last flight to Atl. At 5:45 pm tonight, with an overnight in Atl, and no they aren't paying for it, and then the fist flight into Nassau in the morning. So I don't even get to go the meat up.

Heh heh MEAT UP, that is what I call my boners!

So piece ut and have fun tonight without me...I'm gonna call Dusty and see if he and the skirt want to hang at a sleazy hotel bar and have watered down cocktails for twice the price of a new black market kidney. Or maybe Joe would like to join us, his new book is unbelievably funny. He is one of those guys where shit happens to him on a daily basis, and he can tell you as if was the best thing since sliced fire. (combo of Sliced bread and Fire...two things most people think are the worlds greatest inventions) Anyway buy his book, and read it you will be wetting your pants in no time, unless your like X who does it because he is old.

Monday, January 14, 2008


The Auto Flush

Is there anything better then the auto flush toilet?

Well up until a few days or so ago I would have agreed with not so much.

As I mentioned previously I was stuck in Omaha working for three days and I don't care who you are when nature calls you either answser the door or shit your pants.

I decided that, even though shitting my pants would have been a good way to get out of work, I would rather not have the "Shitter Stigmata" applied to my last name for the rest of my life.

"Hey isn't that Nightmare the pants shitter standing over there?"

Yeah not quite as catchy as "John the cocksucker" but still not a handle that I would like to saddle myself with. So I head off to the restroom where I attempt to do my thing and answer the call of the bear, in the woods, with a pope's hat...yaknowwhatimsayin?

So all is well, and I'm making notes about my visit to the loo, like;

1) I could use a salad now and again.
2) I need to drink more water...Play-doh comes to mind, maybe modeling clay.
3) There are no good bathroom graffiti artist or poets any more
a)Here I sit all broken hearted, tried to shit but only farted! Classic!

This last thought was quickly followed by the sound of a Jet engine. I don't know what the first little clicking noise was because I didn't have the time to process this info, I was busy wondering exactly how much toilet paper it was going to dry off my ass.

That jet noise was the high power super flush o'matic auto toilet flushing with my sizable naked ass still parked on it. For those of you not familiar with the high power super flush o'matic auto toilet, it tries to wash the top of the toilet seat as well as taking the Browns to the SuperBowl, or at least that was my thinking as approximately 2 gallons of dirty ass water was disposed of in and around my bare ass.

So needless to say I was less then thrilled with a wet dirty ass, and I was excited to find a bunch of toilet paper in which I could towel off my ass like I was at the beach, but the biggest thing about this experience I take away is that the high power super flush o'matic auto toilet, has dropped to 5th on the list of all time great inventions.
1) Fire
2) The Wheel
3) Hand Lotion
4) Booze
5) High power super flush o'matic auto toilet
6) Football
7) Cinematic goodness
8) Hot air balloons

So be wary of the auto flush and remember to always grab a couple of paper towels on the way into the'll thank me later for this tip today.

Saturday, January 12, 2008


Anger...Love some.

I know that it has been a while since I had a good angry rant, but for the most part that is because I have been burned out. all of the anger that should have been pent up and ready for a good explosion....well it was released over the course of the last week or so.

I spent three days in Omaha doing someones job, not my own! I know it is a silly thing but I am a company man and I am too stupid to find anything better. I was taught to work hard and your reward will be great. What I get is more fucking work.

Naturally when the 3, seemingly competent, people went to the great state of Nebraska to do their jobs, in what would have been a reasonable time line, and they began to fail, the reserves were called up.

Which meant me and 2 guys from a different dept, and the first three guys' boss.

**Side Note** When your supervisor has to pull your ass out of the fire it is easily the absolute best time to kiss ass and be eternally grateful. It isn't a good time to spend all of your cigarette breaks with your girlfriend whom you have brought with you to the job site.

**End Side Note*

So when we get there it takes me and one other guy about 4 hours to pull them out of the weeds and get them straightened out but we stay an extra 16 hours to make sure that they will be able to get the job done. which means they will be free to go on to the next WAY more important job out of country! That was Dec. 29th and 30th.

They failed and had to leave country. The client was unamused and I was called back into action...I felt like Solider Girl Tricked into a second tour of duty. Except my boss is more like El Duche.

The second trip, last Tuesday, we had to START work at 6:30 am, which meant that I had to LEAVE KC at 3:30AM! And the job was supposed to last until 12 noon on Wednesday. Needless to say when it was 3pm on Wednesday and we were still finding out that the previous worker bees had either thrown away, or lost or shipped back to the main office, a TON of FUCKING PARTS THAT WE STILL NEEDED BECAUSE THEY NEVER READ THE FUCKIN MANUALS I WAS LESS THEN THRILLED!!

As a matter of fact I tried to buy a new pistol just so I would have one that I could toss into a blast furnace after I had killed them and fed their bodies to the hog farm up the street.

So after staying until Thursday and waiting for all of the parts and pieces to show up (Thank you UPS for the first AM shipping option), it gave us considerable amount of time drink our weight in rum (Thank you sailor jerry) and figure out that we had amassed a labor overage to the tune of about $30,000.

That always makes the bottom line shrink up like my sack on a cold day swimming.

So I am now wondering if we are looking for some new help...anyone know someone who is handy with a tool box, and owns his own tools, likes to travel and get paid in beer and fireworks? I know a guy they should talk to.

I learned that the United States is bankrupt. With the Social Security system that we have in place and the first of the baby boomers being eligible to receive all that they have paid into for the last 50 years, America id creating a 2-3 TRILLION dollars a year deficit. GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF FDR!

On the way home from Omaha, and if you have ever been there you know it is right up I-29 and really easy to find, but on the way home I saw some absolutely ludicrous shit.

There is a cemetery built on a hillside.


Why would you ever consider building a final resting place where you would need to be a billy goat to visit, or make a deposit. It makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Speaking of cemeteries, whose idea was it to lay people down when they are buried? It would make so much more sense to use a big assed auger and drop people in like Pegs in teh game of life. and think how easy it would be to exhume the bodies, just have to put a big eye hook in the top and leave it about a foot or two under ground, dig down a bit hook the tow cable to it and lift it right up. Plus you could pack a shit ton more dead people in the same place.

Hell with a long enough auger you could fit a family of five in the same tube.

And I thought this was Funny...

In a news conference Deanna Favre announced she will be the starting QB for
the Packers this coming Sunday. Deanna asserts that she is qualified to be
starting QB because she has spent the past 16 years married to Brett while
he played QB for the Packers.

During this period of time she became familiar with the definition of a
corner blitz, and is now completely comfortable with other terminology of
the Packers offense. She's flown on the team airplane with all the players
and had been to all the other playing fields.

She's tossed the football around to all the receivers during team picnics.
A survey of Packers fans shows that 50% of those polled supported the move.

Does this sounds idiotic and unbelievable to you?

Well, Hillary Clinton makes the same claims as to why she is qualified to be
President and 50% of democrats polled agreed. She has never run a
City, County, or State. When told Hillary Clinton has experience because she
has 8 years in the white house, Dick Morris stated "so has the pastry chef".

Friday, January 11, 2008


I have been in Omaha again..

More later on that shit....

But faith has this and I took it once and guess what ...I'm, still evil.

How evil are you?

Sunday, January 06, 2008


Election Year

As we all know this year marks the end of the Bush reign of stupidity and America will elect a new President. In an effort to make your decision making easier The Fox Network has created a Candidate Matchmaker program and within 20 questions you will be suppled with who you are most compatible with as a president.

I decided to do this, I wanted to see who they thought I was most in love with as a presidential candidate.

Using my truthful answers my result was:Bill Richardson 53%
A close second and third were Fred Thompson 50% and John McCain 45%. Not surprising really, I tend to lean toward anyone who isn't trying to take my guns away, I like my guns and since I am not using them to kill people or rob banks, I say NO ONE has the right to take them away.

HOWEVER, I was a little curious as to how this program works so I decided to see if I could get a candidate that I THOUGHT was more compatible with the rest of my beliefs like supporting gay marriage, the Woman's right to an abortion and less affirmative action. But what I really wanted to see was how accurate were the questions in deciding who I should be voting for. So I put in that I SUPPORTED STRONGLY everything on the questionnaire, guess what? I still got?


SO I went the other way and thought I would disagree with ALL of the questions, and guess who I got?


Who the fuck is Duncan Hunter?

So I tried to think like a liberal and answer like I know that my wonderful younger brother would answer and I got...


Who is this fucking guy? A FORMER senator from fucking Alaska? Who in their right mind would think this guy is a good candidate? He was closely followed by Dennis Kucinich 60% and Hillary Clinton 50%

So I keep going and try and get to a Obak or a Giuliani, and I must have tried 75% of the combinations to try and get one of the front runners of the democratic party and I could not get it done, and the worst part is no matter what I answered I could never get a candidate to score higher then a 65%.

I don't know about you but I seem to remember that a 65% is a failing grade. If I did nothing but bring home a 65% not only would I have never graduated from high school , I doubt seriously if I would have been able to even get a job singing "DING FRIES ARE DONE" at the local BK.

How did our Government get so fucked up that we as Americans have settled for failing grades? I know that this stupid program isn't the end all be all for choosing a candidate but if you look at the way everything else is run it seems that we hold our elected officials to lower standards then we do our kindergarten students as far as grading goes.

So until I can find a candidate that believes in the following ideals...I guess that I will keep looking.

Views I support
1) Death Penalty.
2) Abortion is the right of EVERY woman.
3) Affirmative Action should be abolished.
4) Gun ownership should never be challenged. the 2nd amendment was put in place so that if our government got out of control we could overthrow it, this was back when the government had muskets and knives, and the people had muskets and knives, and nowadays the government has Apache helicopters and the people have muskets and knives. We are basically fucked.
5) Gay marriage should be legal
6) Family values shouldn't be the same as prayer in school. I feel that family values SHOULD be taught in School but without the help of a religious background. I know several dozen great familes that have nothing to do with religion and their family values stem from core beliefs in RIGHT FROM WRONG, God doesn't enter the equation...or at least man's interpretation of God.
7) Three strikes, ABSOLUTELY! and in some cases that is 2 strikes too many.
8) Social Security, reform it! 78% of the people polled believe that Elvis is is alive more then they believe they will ever see a dime of the SS they are paying into right now! (At least that is a C+)
9) Alternative Fuel...the WHOLE planet should be working on this! Did no one see Water World? or Road Warrior?
10)War on drugs is not working 55% of all convicts are in for NON VIOLENT drug offenses. Weed should be legal and taxed just like liquor and cigarettes. People don't smoke it because it is illegal, and people who don't smoke weed will not suddenly run out and smoke it because it is suddenly legal. People who want to smoke weed do so...when you can ask anyone 10 years old or older where to get it and they can tell you it is time to change the laws.
11) Illegal Immigrants...GET THE FUCK OUT! Like I was telling Mr XO the other day My family has been on the same plot of land for 150 years, were the first settlers in that county and they came though the system LEGALLY. I do not see where the rest of the fucking planet shouldn't play by the same rules as, we gave up the language of the homeland, we were HAPPY to be AMERICANS and we changed who we were without losing sight of who we wanted to be.

So as soon as someone who can tell me that all of these things are in their CORE beliefs and WILL make the changes necessary, I will be Diogenes, and keep looking for an honest man.

Use the Fox thing if you want but I think Trashman still has my vote. (besides if he wins I get a cabinet post)

Friday, January 04, 2008



I don't remember what I was watching the other night but it got me thinking about the different styles of Temptation.

Is Temptation good or is it evil?

Don't answer too fast, it can be both. In the classic definition of Temptation it is portrayed as a vehicle of evil, as in Jesus was Tempted by the Serpent, or Adam was Tempted by Eve. But couldn't the Temptation also be used for good when you use it to become a stronger person, as a character building exercise. Does Temptation break down your inhibitions and cause you to react poorly in adverse situations or does it make you stand tall and become stronger in character as well as spirit?

I don't have any reasoning behind this question it is more a philosophical whimsy. A search for an undiscovered truth if you will.

Does this post tempt you to leave a comment or to just pass on through because I didn't have the picture of Paris Hilton smoking weed, or Pam Anderson's blow job on Tommy Lee. I'm not saying I don't have those pictures, I'm just not TEMPTED to post them here.

Let me know how you deal with temptation.

Thursday, January 03, 2008


Better but not well!!

Ok so I feel a tad better, but I am still sick...naturally I think the best place for me is at work. Here is a cute little joke...No offense Cara.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he's sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not, you let me go and don't give me a ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Wednesday, January 02, 2008


For all of the KU Fans out there!