Monday, February 26, 2007
News, notes and naughty thoughts..
American Tourists kill mugger in Costa Rica.
Talk about your bad ideas…..
Apparently a group of thieves in San Jose Costa Rica, thought it was a good idea to try and mug some Americans when they ended up on the wrong side of the tracks. The mugger and his two buddies stopped a group of people and the dead man pulled a .38 out and demanded money, while the other two pulled their knives. Well one of the Americans was an Ex-Marine, and he didn’t want to part with his cash and prizes so, he snapped the guys neck. The other two ran away, slipping in their own fecal matter as they ran because they shit themselves.
Ok that last part I just made up, but they did get away. But I tell you that had me and my buddies tried to mug a guy and he killed my friend with his bare hands, I would shit myself as I ran away like a little girl.
Dateline Feb.22th Iran- Men free tourism island planned .
Since women are property in Iran, and they have some fucked up cultural ideas, it just seems right that they would make their women go on vacation separately. Since strict Islamic law prohibit women and men mixing socially in public the Iranian Tourism Board feels that a island get away for just the chicks is a good idea. Personally I think they are cutting their throats on this one.
If these women get together for weeks on end in a free and social arena where they can go hang out and play with just other girls, free of their male insisted clothing and wearing of the chandor (which means tent BTW), they are going to figure out real quick, that the Iranian men really AREN’T needed!
Is anyone else completely put off by this new woman crotch pad commercial that shows a rooftop water tower starting to leak and some skinny blonde jumps up and catches the entire contents of that tower in her drip tray?
That fucking cinematic clusterfuck freaks me right the fuck out. I mean I know there is a huge, market for squirrel towels and cotton ponies, but really, a whole water tower full? Who in the hell has a menstrual flow that would fill an entire water tower? I don’t think the human body holds that much liquid, shit, I’m pretty sure that if you lost that much blood you’d be dead.
AND the fucked up part is the fact that she puts that motherfucker BACK in her PURSE when she is done!
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT??
It is just wrong I tell you. Someone needs to stand up and scream ENOUGH!!
Congrats to Marty Scorsese, and Forrest Whittaker. They got the golden boy finally. I always knew that Forrest would win, I just thought it would be for his role as “Charles Jefferson” in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I mean that was a great performance.
I only watched the last 45 mins of the Oscars last night and Bouby and I both wondered the same thing at the end of the show…
Do you think Melissa Ethridge and her lover are gonna use Oscar as a new golden dildo?
Then we giggled.
Friday, February 23, 2007
You would not believe the nonsense I had to go through to get my fucking blog back from the man! Holy DIVER!! But it isn’t like I had time to jot anything down, the only reason I’m doing it now is because I can’t get on the network so I can do any work…. Yeah I’m good like that!
So anyway I’m headed off to another Trade show next weekend, and once again it is a clusterfuck and there isn’t a thing I can do to help. Besides buy the uniform and get the give away t-shirts for the silly people that come by and bother us. I think I’m going to steal a couple and give them away here. Maybe do a traveling photo shoot with one of these t-shirts, it is such a sick look. I’ll have to wait until after the show to let it out of the bag….
Today Is PAYDAY! And I’m excited because I’m getting my first “commission” after 5 years and a dozen big name clients they have finally come up with a scale pay to keep us salesmen interested, since we don’t and haven’t got raises or any other incentives since I got this job. But anywho I’m looking at a 6K payday today and then it’s off to the casino! Wishing me some luck! I’m kidding it is going into mutual funds and online banking…and no I don’t mean online gambling!
Peace out kiddos!
Oh and I did hear a new Jesus Joke, so just for the X-man here ya go!
Why did the blonde go to the catholic church?
wait for it...................
Because she heard there was a guy there who was hung like this;
I just received a endorsment from a friend of mine for a business executive website, here is what he wrote;
I have known Nightmare both personally and professionally for 20 years. He is a very creative, highly energetic "go getter" that loves new challenges. He brings to bear a highly effective, unique management style that is attracting fewer and fewer lawsuits each year. Whether it be back in the dorms when you could always stop by Nightmare's room for a semi-cold Meister Brau and a porn magazine, or today when you can stop by his house for a cold Michelob and see a midgets with animals DVD, the relationship with Nightmare is one I will cherish for years to come. I highly recommend Nightmare to anyone with high expectations for tangible results and mid-level expectations for moral standards.
I love my Friends!
Friday, February 16, 2007
Well Well Well.
So I was doing a lot of thinking while I couldn't write it down and I have come to the conclusion, I really don't have a lot to say about anything. I write stuff down that means nothing to nobody and I think some of it is funny but then again I started me and my brother laughing at my Grandpa's funeral by mouthing the words "you can't always get what you want..." So I know I'm going to hell. But I'll be in good company...
Just the other day this very religious guy and I got to telling Jesus Jokes securing our places down front by the fire.
Here are a couple.
Q: Why doesn't Jesus eat M&M's?
A: They fall through the holes
Jesus walks into an inn, hands the inn keeper 3 nails and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"
The head crucifier drives home the first two nails, looks down at Jesus and says " Cross your feet I only have one nail left"
Jesus is hanging on the cross, looks down into the crowd and says faintly, "John...John, come here I need you"
John pushes his way through the crowd and as he approaches the cross, he is grabbed by the guards and thrown back into the crowd.
Again Jesus says "John ...John come here I need you..." John busts through the crowd and makes it to the base of the cross before the guards grab him and throw him back into the milling crowd...Once more Jesus calls to John..."John, come here I need you..." John fight his way through the crowd and reaches the cross and as he is hugging the cross tightly he says "I am here Jesus, what can I do for you my Lord"
Jesus replies.."John,...John, I can see your house from here"
So yeah any of you that may have snickered...I'll see you in the burning flames of eternity....if you believe in that....Me I think Jesus loves a good joke and if you can't laugh at the people killing you who can you laugh at?
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
On a fun note my work has got 2.73% BETTER SINCE YESTERDAY.
God save the Queen.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
WHAT THE FLOP?
1 ) If you are a “Hands Talker” you shouldn’t use a cell phone and drive.
2) When mixing pain killers and booze, expect to dream and dream weirdly
3) I haven’t had a dream before last night in 9 months
4) Sleep is UNDERRATED…
My work is starting to really bug me, I have a lot of opportunities, but no one is throwing the money at me so I stress out and the one project that I have going, the Big box people aren’t making decisions quick enough and that is making the schedule all FUBAR, which causes stress, and the people at my office like to make it sound like it is my fault, which is only in my head, they don’t mean to make it sound that way, but in my head, that is the way it sounds.
I need to invest more money so I don’t have to work. But to do that I need to make more money and fast, but in that case I need a job so I can make the money that will work for me…it is a more vicious circle then a cocaine addiction.
I need a nap.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Stolen but beautiful.
D E S I D E R A T A
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less that the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Burn Baby Burn!
Isn’t it funny that a box of chocolates can cause a melt down in people’s thinking, and bring about the thoughts of terrorists in downtown Kansas City, yet when a nation wide chemical plant burns to the ground less then 1.5 miles from office, there is nary a whisper of MAYBE, POSSIBLY this blaze could have been an act of terrorism?
I know I find it weird….
And I’m not saying that this was an act of terrorism, more than likely some one forgot to change the charcoal in the filters and the plant maintenance guy got to huffing the fumes of the paint thinner they make and lo and behold he inadvertently left a valve open somewhere and that was enough of a warning to get the staff out. Or some pipe broke because it is way to fucking cold. Anyway I just think it is extremely weird that people will think a small box left accidently is a cause for an escalation in the terror alert system.
Go fucking figure.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
MY favorite Holiday
One hour from now we will be witnessing the 2006-2007 Super bowl. Chicago Vs. Indianapolis, Bears vs Colts.
I’m taking the Bears. I don’t think all the preparation in the world will allow Peyton to win this game. There seems to be a lot of people giving him the game. But I don’t think the Bears defense is listening. I think they are going to strip him like a Barbie doll and let the dogs of war chew on his little plastic head.
Don’t get me wrong I love Peyton! He is great at working hard and doing well, and making fun of the job he has at every turn of the sun. But I think there is so much hype about him and the colts that they are forgetting that Chicago has done some great playing this season too, and if I was to put tough guys from indy on one side and tough guys from chi-town on the other….the windy city blows them away!
Ok it is half time. I got my drink on and the game is tight! I love that fact that my dad called me and put 5 bucks on it to make it more fun! GOD bless the old people!! It is colts 16 bears 14 and the Bears defense is doing well, but there is no offense. But I'm still hopeful. By the way Prince is the half time entertainment and I don't think I know any of his songs since nikki was masturbating with a magazine. I think he may be a cricket in disguise. I'm not sure but I'll do some research and get back with you.
*UPDATE*I fucking hate the colts. Ok not really, but I really would have loved to relive my senior year in High School and saw the Bears win the stewpid bowl again. Not that either one of them has as many Lombardi trophies as the Oakland Raiders...but hey They are fighting hard tonight.
And what is this shit about being all excited about sacking the QB when you are losing..and doing a dance? FUCK OFF get back on the ball and PLAY THE FUCKING GAME!! I hate you showboating dirty fucking ass humping cocksuckers! You all suck and I hope you die on the way home like that dick from Denver...Yeah ok, that was harsh, I apologize, but seriously I don't get a little high five when I seal a deal let alone get to dance like a drunk monkey trying to get laid at a NY night club. So fuck of and get back in the huddle dickface.Maybe they can still pull it off. But I'm doubtful..and somewhat drunk.....
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Hey Barney, I think them young'uns are all hopped up on the goofballs...
Tuesday night was the first time I wished I was a cop, or at least a better actor, so I could have pretended to be a cop.
Bouby and I witnessed a drug deal.
In the parking lot of Burger King.
How do we know it was a deal? Lets just say we can recognize the signs, you know from watching Law and Order and Miami Vice.
Here is the situation. We like to drive through the drive through instead of going in because the inside is scarier than my car, and quite frankly old people getting their grub on creeps me out just a little bit. But since Bouby doesn’t like to eat whilst moving, we sit in the parking lot and eat. This way the car doesn’t get too cold or two hot, depending on the season. So since I had a late lunch due to clients bothering me, I wasn’t eating. So I was just cracking jokes and looking around and generally making fun of what ever caught my eye.
The driver of truck we were parked next to gets in and leaves, basically opening up the entire parking lot. Not 2 minutes after he leaves this little brown 4 door car comes rolling in with 3 teen ager boys in it. They were seated two in the front and one in the back, behind the passenger. As soon as they pull in I notice that their driver side rear window is down, and anyone who has ever ridden like these kids knows that is the dope exit, I notice this because it is also a balmy 13 degrees out. Doing this window trick eliminates most of the “reek” on the passengers. I start giggling, and point it out to Bouby, and she starts giggling and then I see that both the driver and the front passenger have their heads down and are quite busily working on something in their laps.
“They are rolling another Doobie!!”
Yes I said doobie, I’m old remember. Fuck off.
Jesus you’d think they were high enough, since they had the window down already. Then I see the second car whip in next to them and he is in a big hurry, so big that he doesn’t even see us sitting there as he jumps out and trots around the car and sticks his hand through the open window, naturally he is too stupid to hide the fact that he is clutching a fistful of money.
“Fuck these kids really need to learn how to make a better drug deal, they could get so busted if I was a cop” At this time the passenger looks up and sees me looking right at him and he starts laughing and makes Buyer McPothead get in the back seat to complete the transaction.
“ Here is what I’m gonna do, as soon as the dealer leaves, I’m gonna pull in behind the buyer real quick pull my knife on him and force him to hand over the drugs….and the rest of his money”
Bouby-“That would be funny, who the fuck would he tell?”
“...Officer, I was buying dope and I got mugged by an old man in a white explorer”
“Excuse me son did you say you were buying drugs and got mugged and now you are reporting it?”
“Yeah I would like to find the guy and get my dope back”
“Empty your pockets…turn around put your hands on your head…”
Meanwhile back at the Casa…..
“I’m hungry, wanna go to Burger King?”