Friday, June 27, 2008
Phoning it in...
Yeah I know I have been lax lately and have done a real shit job of writing stuff down. My job has been sucking the life out of me for the last year and I had put a lot of work into a project that would get me out of the day job and into a new gig and I was basically pissed and depressed that I couldn't do more to make it happen faster.
Well some of that have changed, I started believing in my own bullshit and have stepped back into the game, mainly because I really want to have a big ball of work rolling and then walk away from it leaving the majority of it to crash and burn.
NOOO! Not me...can you smell the sarcasm?
So I have been doing more work and finding my way through a job that should have been done with me 3 years ago. I have no idea where I got this fucked up work ethic that tells me that if it isn't hard it isn't worth doing.
My younger brother who is by education a electrical engineer, told me that any thing I can that seems easy is a talent and to not use it would be to waste it. I have one of those and I have felt too guilty to use it. I may look into doing exactly that, using a talent that is easy for me yet could reap untold benefits.
One of these days I may share what that is.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
God and Stuff
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it quickly.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these market survey numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Monday, June 23, 2008
Pile o Shit YO!
At least this way I should be getting a new mother board and all the trimings so it may last another year!
OH and I got this from Blondie
Obama The Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually, the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle.' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.'"
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb asses put him up there."
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Why we are losing in teh classroom...
Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death”? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775″ he said.
“Very good!” Who said “Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?” Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863″ said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “F**k the Indians, Who said that?” she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up.. “General Custer, 1862.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares around and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Chandrasekhar says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? S*ck this!”
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, ” Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re f**ked!”
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, “George Bush, Iraq, 2005
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Smokey and the Bandit took place in the Dagoba System...
Friday, June 13, 2008
The energy solution!!
The entire world is dependent on oil. We all know this and we also that sooner or later it will all run out. So today while I was at lunch I had an epiphany, I think I may have solved the energy crisis. One of the things that we humans do, and do well I feel will be able to create a constant supply of fuel. Not only constant but one that is highly useful for just about all of the fuel needs the planet has to offer.
That's right I said babies. If there is one thing that the human race can do almost as good as rabbits or rodents is to reproduce. We create more unwanted and more useless offspring's then any other species on earth. We do not push the old, weak, worthless, or stupid to the edge of the herd and we should. Well this way we will have a place to push all of these people.
But since we don't want to wait, we'll just use crack whores, welfare moms, and other breeders that don't contribute to society. How will we decide what is a contribution to society? well we use an old scale used back in the 1600's "if you don't work you don't eat!"
So we set up some rendering plants, and start processing Baby oil. REAL baby oil, made from real babies. You can have two kids to raise as your own and then any others will need to be turned over to the department of energy. All old people, who are out of breeding age, need to fill out their body donor cards and get ready to become fuel. There will be no more burials, no need for fancy coffins or mausoleums, we won't need the entire funeral profession, no more abortions, if you get knocked up you MUST carry it to full term and then if you do not want it you turn it over to the department of energy for proper fuel processing. Suicide is no longer illegal, if you want to kill yourself, fine go to the department of energy and turn in your donor card, you will be processed with a last meal and your choice of slepy time meds.
So stop worrying about the oil, the cost of gas, and whether or not you should buy that V8 or the 2.5 cylinder smart car. Babies and the elderly are the answer. With the rednecks and the lazy we will HURL ourselves into a future that isn't dependent on foreign oil any more. The beauty part of this is we will have more land for golf courses and retail space.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The Election finally explained!!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
How's it going?
Yeah I just realized that I hadn't written anything since I informed everyone that the world was going to end in 2012 just as the Mayan calendar ends. So Here I am. writing pointless drivel while drinking my height in Port.
Well now that is gone, and I am moving on to the Ultimate Manhattan, one of these days I'll make you one.
So work blows, I am seriously going to pull an office space and just stop going in. I think I would be happy for a bit anyway. Maybe go fishing...I haven't been fishing for 6 years.
I can only Twitter from work nowadays and I'm sure as soon as the PTB find out I am having fun on company time I will be summarily spanked on my pee pee.
Congrats to the Gangster on her pending nuptials...I know that there is many a slip twixt cup and a lip, but something tells me that her boy finally got his head un-wedged from his asshole. So congrats baby!
I got drunk at the garage sale last weekend and was admonished by the wife for being obnoxious...GUILTY! sorry I was bored and she wouldn't drink with me. But that isn't her fault, she isn't a day drinker like me! I love to start early and go to bed early, wake up early and have no hangover...Sorry it is what I like to do.
So in lieu of writing something substantial I'll show you some pictures I either made or found.
This I believe is the Valkyrie cooking Thor's meals!!
Sunday, June 08, 2008
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used unless you don't want to seem too formal.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.
13. Do not use more words, phrases, sentences, or other linguistic elements than you, yourself, actually really and definitely need to use or employ when expressing yourself or otherwise giving voice to what you may or may not be thinking when you are trying to say how many words you should use or not use when using words.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, i.e. etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill excessive exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others elude to them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate distracting quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is said to have once remarked, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out
Thursday, June 05, 2008
And now for something completely insane...
I have been preaching to the masses now going on 4 years with this blog thing and I have seen commenters come and go. I have yet to get rich from my nonsense, I have no book deal, and I don't see one coming in the future. I tend to be a very black and white kind of guy, there is very little gray area here.
For as many years as I can remember I have been spouting the nonsense that it does not matter what we do as humans to make or break this world, when Mother Nature gets tired of the fighting monkeys that we are, she is gonna shake like a wet dog, and we will be thinned out of existence.
Period, end of story.
If you look at the theory of Exponential Growth we are all living on borrowed time as it is. There are a great series of videos that this theory is explained and in a way that a dummy like me can understand it so I know that the much smarter then me people who only come here to indulge their thirst for sophomoric humor and fart jokes, will not only understand it, but you will also GET it.
Here is the first video in the series of 8 the other ones should be listed in order. If you thought you were scared before, you need to watch this and know that Al gore is a day late and a dollar short.
I just hope I am not still around and bothering people, when we see the end of civilization as we know it! After watching these videos I know that Living well is the only way to go! Eat what you want, stop having kids, they will just die horribly when we run out of food. The time you spend at the gym, use it to make love to whom ever you want...and NO that doesn't mean rape you jackasses! It means man, woman, black white asian, Buick, chevy, animate, inanimate it doesn't matter, if you can fuck it...fuck it! Go for the Gusto!. If you like driving, I would suggest that you SERIOULSY think about running your car on something besides gas, we will run out of petroleum in 2017. The bums on the corner are right, the end is near.
I'm going to go ahead and guess that this isn't the first time this shit has hit the fan. All of the space ships and other phenomenon mentioned in crazy pictures on the sides of the Pyramid's bathroom walls, were just the last remaining survivors of the last great civilization that fell fucking apart because they didn't understand the rule of exponential growth. I'm pretty sure that there is a reason that the Mayan calendar only goes up to 2012...they figured it out. They must have been the last bastion of truth keepers from that civilization and they tried to warn us the only way they knew how, by letting us know that there will be a “do over”, in 2012.
Live well, and remember, Life is not only short, but it is almost over! We as humans have fucked up, fucked up big and Momma is coming home early to kick ass and take names.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
So because of the good sense fairy being dead and gone, I didn't think to double check how I saved the stupid file and when I got home I tried to open it and I was refused because I didn't save it as a .DOC file it was something like .ODT or some such shit and now I have to wait until tomorrow to fucking fix it.
So I am bitter, and you will have to wait for the goods I hope the fuck they are worth it.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Not blogging at work sucks
It has become more of a chore then a great work experience. So it is a late Tuesday joke time.
An 18 year old girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the pharmacy and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half hour later and a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."