Friday, December 30, 2005


My heart hurts...

You know when you’re a kid and you keep track of your birthday in fractions?
I’m 8 and ½
Or when you’re a baby and they keep track of you in months?
Yes, He is 36 months.

Well I guess they do that when your at the end of your run as well.

Bouby called me at 11:30 Friday morning and told me that we were needed at the hospital.

I had faith in my old farm truck and I found new heights of speed as I made my way to the house where Bouby was picking me up. I only got into one flipping off contest, and if I ever see that Mercury driving ass pipe EVER again I will beat him to one small inch of his pitiful trailer trash life. Other then that, I think the rest of KC knew my predicament and they parted in front of me like the red sea.

So when you’re young and you are measuring your life in fractions there is always the anticipation that things will be better the older you get. But when you are closing in on your final days, all you can think of is how youth is squandered on the young and counting down the months is not what you want to be doing during your last moments on this plain of reality.

The hospital sent in the Palliative care nurses to tell us that we are now into the phase of counting G-pa’s life in hours.

We could do it in minutes to make the number bigger but the time frame wouldn’t change.
48 hours at the most
2,880 minutes
172,800 seconds

Needless to say things are a little morose right now.

It breaks my heart to see Bouby and G-ma cry. And then I start crying and there is nothing worse then watching a fat man weep.

I want to thank my older brother for helping with all of the plane reservations today. He is such a good man to have in a panic situation, I love him dearly, he has never asked my Why, or What for, in a time of crisis or even if it wasn’t a crisis. I know that if I NEED anything I can ask him and he’ll be there for me. Thank you T.W

I also want to thank my high School friend J.N. for answering his cell when I was grasping at straws trying to find a flight to Evansville IN. He is a corporate pilot and if he could have helped he would have and I love him for it. Thank you J.N

I want to thank A.T, my supervisor who asked no questions as I walked out of a very important sales meeting today because he saw the look in my eye and knew it was important, and that even if it meant my job I was walking…at least this time I don’t think I’m unemployed but who knows what next week will bring. Thank you A.T

I want to thank SVDC for all of his support over the course of this ordeal and his indefatigable up beat attitude and life stories. Thank you SVDC.

I would also like to thank all of the people who drop buy and leave supportive comments for Bouby during this trying time. Thank you. It really means a lot.


No Gnus is sometimes bad Gnus

Last night the good news ended.

G-pa’s CAT scan revealed a tumor in his throat which is what is making it hard for him to eat and could be the cause of a bunch of other things. The Ear nose and throat guy was supposed to be in last night but never showed, so G-ma is on the “Please call so when you examine him I can be there list” for this morning.

The outlook doesn’t look good at this point.

It breaks my heart to see those two beautiful people have to suffer through an ordeal like this. I’m almost certain that it would be easier for everyone if we were all designed to go out in a needless accident, instead of being forced to watch someone we love get killed from the inside out.

The Grandparents wedding anniversary is coming up soon Bouby thinks it is there 58th. They have been married 20 more years then;
I have been alive.
Than man walked on the moon.
The invention of the microwave oven.
Jimmy Hoffa’s disappearance

And I’m sure that there are numerous other things that they have been a witness to as a couple. Like the Korean war , Viet Nam war, gas shortages, Munich tragedy, the US Hockey team winning gold at lake placid, ALL of the Superbowls EVER!, not to mention EVERY Monday night football game, they also raised two wonderful men and one fantastic Granddaughter.

So as you can probably see it is going to be a very trying time for all of us here in my little slice of the world, but I know ….I was going to write I know we’ll get through it , and then the absurdity of that statement hit me in the face like a pie. We’ll get through it…FUCK! Of course we will, that is the dumbest thing to say ever! I have buried both sets of G-parents and numerous other relatives over the years, so I have been there done that.

However Bouby’s entire immediate family consists of 4 people, Dad, Uncle, G-parents. That is it. End of line. There are a handful of cousins scattered across the country, but none of them are close, and I don’t mean close like within driving distance, nor close as in we’ll see you at Christmas, I mean they aren’t close as couldn’t pick them out of a line up not close. So this is going to be a particularly hard for this close knit little family.

I would also like to Thank EVERYONE who has said prayers, and have given Bouby cyber hugs…I said cyber HUGS not cybering !! NGD this means you! But she really does feel and appreciate all of the support from strangers, and like I have always said there are none stranger then those who read my shit.

Thanks a million, and I’ll keep up the updates as news warrants.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

This funny little blog o’mine has taken a turn for the serious over the last couple of weeks and I’m sure anyone who puts in the time to read my rantings is probably pretty disappointed that I have been so unfunny….not that I was all that fucking funny to begin with but hey I make my self crack up and that is the important part right?

So yesterday was a very enlightening day for me. One of my co-workers called in and needed me to track a package for her and when I asked “How was Christmas?” I got the reply “Crappy”

So naturally I needed to find out why it was so crappy, and come to find out my co-worker had a heart attack on Christmas morning. She is 45. It was a mild heart attack, and she caught the trauma early but she did say it was a nice little wake up call!! So I too used it as a wake up call and went home after work and rearranged my garage for better work out space. I do not want to end up dead nor in a home because it takes a team of the worlds strongest man-nurses to pick my big ass up and carry me to the shitter or shower.

I’m going to lose 50-80 lbs this year and keep it off. Since it isn’t a new year yet I can make this resolution without the fear of breaking it. That new years resolution will probably be more like “I’m giving up rum” or “ I’m giving up masturbation in the shower” you know things that you think are a good idea but in reality you know damn well it isn’t going to happen.

I also learned that there really are people out in the real world that care about how you are treated in the waning years of your life.

G-pa went to see a new cancer Doc yesterday and he was informed that the hospital or more to the point the insurance company should have never kicked his ass out and forced him into a nursing home., or as I like to call it a non nursing home. Apparently when he was in the Dr’s office and was getting his “check up” they discovered that he was 3-4 pints low in his blood count and that he had NUMOROUS other problems that would have killed him much faster then the cancer he has been fighting for the last 10+ years.

His veins were basically collapsed and the nurse tried unsuccessfully to get an IV in him for over 6 hours. The reason was because there was hardly any blood left in his veins, and they have no idea where it is going. This would explain his weakness, lethargy, and dementia. All of these symptoms were there before he was put into the home but they were mild and no one caught them. Since he was recovering from congestive heart failure, they attributed all of those symptoms to that and not to something else. 9 days later he is back into the hospital where his new Cancer Dr is promising that he will not leave him dangling in the breeze and that he has a reputation for “finding” ways to make sure that G-pa will not leave the hospital until he is strong enough to do it on his own.

So this morning he is having a EDG, which is the invasive “scope down the throat” procedure so they can hopefully find out why and where all of his blood is going. Personally I think it was his creepy roommate in the home that was more then likely a vampire. He was fucking weird I tell you.
I also have been a witness to one of the institutions that is no longer prevalent in today’s society. Love. True honest to god unconditional love. G-ma has been married to G-pa for going on 60 years.

Sit back and think on that for a second.
60 years.
Look at all of the shit that has happened while these two love birds have been making their nest. It is amazing to think that there is still love like that out there. A love so strong that you can stand by the side of your partners bed and talk about the disease that is taking his life as if it was another person in the room and to tell each other that it was a good run and that he had beat it the one time. Like you are a boxer and a manager and the cancer is your nemesis. You got the first TKO, but for some reason he wanted a rematch and this time he laid the wammy on you.

I hope that all of you married people out there find a way to make it last for 60 years or better.

So to recap;

1. Co-worker had a heart attack
2. G-pa was almost killed by inattentiveness
3. My fat ass is going to lose weight.
4. true love does last an eternity

Tuesday, December 27, 2005


Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

So I just got off of the phone with a corporate headhunter looking for a VP of Sales for a local electronic company who designs and manufactures electronics. That person would be in charge of 35 people, be the guy in charge of the marketing and advertising, work with the ad agency, and make $100,000-$140,000 a year in base salary, as well as a monthly commission that is up to 50% of sales, and a yearly bonus of up to 30% total sales.

So I sent them my resume.

I’m not holding my breath. But hey, stranger things have happened!

Thursday, December 22, 2005


I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns

I am in Iowa Right this second and I know what you’re thinking….You Lucky motherfucker! To be in the land of corn and morons. It is such a treat. I have a picture but I forgot the connector to my stupid digital camera, so it will have to wait.

Bouby is about to start shooting people at the nursing home. Well not really but she is mad mad mad!

G-pa’s blood sugar was allowed to drop to 50 yesterday. Your normal level is in the 180-300 range.

The bandages on his arm that was caused by the IV tape in the hospital pulling the skin off because it is so thin, hadn’t been changed for 4 days, once n the first night there, and they used the wrong type of bandage and it stuck to his wound and when they removed it, yeah it was stuck good and removed more skin and pened the old wound open.

He was taken down stairs for his physical therapy, they wheeled him into the parallel bars and told to stand and walk back and forth. That is why he is in there because he needs help standing and walking, but to add insult to injury they have him wedged into a very small wheelchair and it got stuck to his ass and he couldn’t get up. So they told him they would find him a new one and disappeared for an hour and when they did get back his therapy time was up so he didn’t get to work out.

Last night for dinner, they forgot him and his roommate.

Yes, it is true, they gave everyone in the hall trays of shitty food that I wouldn’t serve to hogs on a farm, and they forgot to give him one. When the lady came by and asked for his tray, the family almost ripped her face off. She was noticeably remorseful, but still tried to feed him the tray with his fucking name on it even though it was 2 hours old and hard as a brick.

I told Bouby that she needs to have her dad’s lawyer go visit the home and start handing out business cards and lets see how fucking hard they work then. This is a serious fucking lawsuit waiting to happen.

I know they are under staffed and under paid, but from what I have seen it is like they are treating everyone there as patients in a morgue waiting for the slab instead of trying to recuperate and revive the ones that they can.

This is another reason I own a gun. I will never be put in a nursing home. I will pick my time and check out accordingly. But the worse part about it is the fact the G-pa is doing really well and if they would just do the goddamned therapy with him and get him stronger, we could take his ass home.

I’m so fucking mad it s probably a good thing I’m in Iowa.

Do you know what Iowa stands for?


Merry Christmas

Sunday, December 18, 2005


Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

G-pa got out of the hospital on Friday.

Generally this would be a time of celebration, and we did for a minute, then we had to check him into an assisted living center. Or as we used to call it a nursing home. He isn’t strong enough to get up and around by himself yet and since that isn’t a condition that his insurance will pay for in the hospital. SO we had to get him into a care facility, now had I hit the lottery like I was supposed to, we could just have him at home and we could sit and hang out with him until he got stronger….since I didn’t and we all have to work well we get weekends and evenings with him.

Send Bouby LOTS of groovy vibes, she could use a little help.

We had to bring in a plug in air freshener to cut the smell of old people, bad food and urine. Sad I know, but true.

Other then that the weekend was really good and we got all of our Xmas shopping done, I didn’t have to kill any drivers, shoppers, or little snot jockeys the whole weekend. So I’m pretty even keeled right now.

Bouby is also going to start being a guest writer here because she is too lazy to use the templates at her own site, so when she has something to say she is going to email it to me and I will be posting it. It is just as groovy that way too. This way it is like we share….and I was always told to share, and play nice and not to run with scissors, well at least I got one right.

I hate Joe Thiesman. I wish LT had never broken his leg. This way maybe he wouldn’t be a football announcer, which by the way he is worse then Dan Deirdorff and John Madden combined.

Sorry about the lack of segue, but I’m watching the late game on ESPN and he is doing his usual bang up job of miscommunicating what is happening on the field and what HE THINKS is happening on the field. What a Doo Da.

Did any of the other two football fans see that ½ of the big 12 are playing in some sort of bowl game? It is true, and there is no other conference in the world that can say ½ of their members are good enough to go to bowl games. I love the Midwest….well ok for the football, not so much the weather. So when we do start this migration to the islands I will be opening a sports bar that carries big 12 football and all of the NFL games. But with plenty of drink specials for the wives/girlfriends/disinterested male sissy boys so that we all still have a good time.

So someone please hit the lottery, and lets get to living on island time.

Not enough segue again huh?

You’ll live.

Friday, December 16, 2005


You - Off my planet

I woke up on Tuesday morning with a tickle in my throat and thought “Hmmm I better double up on the vitamins, and take some cold stuff with me just incase” It didn’t work My ass has been sick for three days. Let me tell you how that happened.

It was my co-workers.

They got sick and breathed on me. I got sick. I hate them.

I know not a very interesting story. On a side note I can feel the collective IQ of the KC metro area dropping as the morning goes on. How did I come to this clairvoyance? Easy, there is a snow storm coming. And since I’m 3 credits short of my Doctorate in Psycho-weather Analogy, I can tell you that as the weather conditions deteriorate so do the minds of normal people. People that you would never guess to be a complete fucking hand job of a driver, transform into one, the second the first snow flake appears in the sky. Driving slow, not paying attention, using their cell phone while merging, trying to merge with their foot on the brakes, NOT clearing the snow and ice off of their windows, general buttfuckery and piss poor driving.

So as a warning to all of the rest of you smart people, take heed to the talking heads on the picture box and stay the fuck off of the roads tonight and tomorrow during the worst of the snow, If I see you I will not hesitate to redecorate your shiny happy little car with my 3 tons of steel reinforced Detroit pick up made before the great plastic rush of 1979. To show you how serious I am I personally redecorated my truck as an example on Monday.

That’s right the tard-O’s on the tube told everyone that it did not freeze and there was smooth driving all over the metro. Well they forgot to tell the snow that had become water and then ice at the entrance of my building and my penis compensation mobile does horribly, incredibly bad on ice. It is like watching a pig skate, ugly…really. So my front bumper shook hands with a protective cement filled pipe and now my pretty clunker looks like a hairlip.

But Bouby’s Dad has a hydraulic press and he thinks we can straighten it out.

Avoid the clap.
Your pal,
Jimmy Duggan.

So who’s ready to go to the islands?

PS: Fuck You Tis, I remember when you had Ted Nuget hair and flipped pizzas for a living. Ha HA!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


Accidental blonde.

About 3 months ago Bouby and I were shopping at Al’s Junk in Riverside MO. It is a groovy little junk store where Al buys stuff from wrecked trucks and consolidated freight, unclaimed stuff, and train wrecks (which happen more then the news lets on. He also gets his stuff from businesses that are closing and needing to get rid of their merchandise. It is a good place to pick up tools and weird stuff.

So we went to Al’s in search of hair gel. Generally he has some top shelf stuff for around a buck. So I was confident that we would be successful. When we got there we saw a large array of goods for the coiffure, one in particular was a BIG bottle of hair gel advertising a hold power of 9. I have no idea what that really means but I’m guessing it is a better hold then say a 2. It is also sporting a lighting bolt on the front, and a title that says LIGHTNING! So I buy it.

It works so good I am using every day. After about 5 days of using this wonderful product Bouby asks me “What the fuck did you do to your hair”

I reply, “washed it?” because I was confused as to what she was talking about.
Bouby- “It’s blonde!!”
Me- “It’s always been blonde”
B-No this is REALLY blonde!”
M-“Bullshit, it is the same color as it has always been.”
B-“No it’s not light brown/dirty blonde…it’s FUCKING BLONDE!!”
B- “yes..go look”
So I go off to look into the mirror and sure enough it was really blonde.

How did I not notice this change? It was because I put gel in my hair right out of the shower for that highly sexy wet look and then I don’t look into a mirror until the next morning when I’m doing my hair. So I never noticed because my hair is darker when wet, and I never saw it dry.

So while I’m standing in the bathroom admiring my new do, Bouby walks in and gives me that “I told you so” look and she tells me that my hair looks stupid now because my beard is a brownish red Viking looking thing and I have hair like that Sugar Ray guy.

I’m still confused on how this happened, so I grab the bottle of Lighting hair gel and I notice for the first time it says “LIGHENTING” “Sun or no sun you can go wild or mild”

So I had accidentally did this to my hair…I did get lots of compliments on it but you can never be sure if it is because it looks good or they are just pulling a Rodney Dangerfield from Caddyshack. “Looks good on you though” maneuver.
So here is a before and an after, The before is a picture of me and Bouby's butts,and the after shows my adorable cousin Gilly-Bear. She is a cutey!

And After

Monday, December 12, 2005


A Salty Peice of Land

I come to the realization that life is too short to fuck around. Or maybe it is too short to NOT fuck around.

Listen up people and Nightmare this includes you… GO OUT AND PLAY! Have some fun. If you are working and your job includes doing stuff that makes you crazy and your only reason for staying is because “it pays the bills” well maybe we have too many bills to pay. Maybe we we need to revert back to a more peaceful time where it was ok to be barefoot, and no one cared if the grass got mowed EXCATLY on Tuesday every week, or that raisin g your family was best suited for the nanny.

I think we need to have a revolution. And I am serious about this. When and more to the point why did we ever crawl out of the ocean and start worrying about TPS reports and what kind of car we drove and the speed of our porn download?

Back before technology…and I use this term loosely we had to create our own fun and things got invented, we danced, laughed and worked hard but we liked it because there was a sense of accomplishment. Now at the end of the day what do I have to show for working all fucking day? A couple of invoices, a sore ass and no desire to go out and dance with my Bouby. Which is not fair to her.

Well, it really isn’t fair that she be forced to dance with me anyway since I look like a bear on a unicycle when I dance but when I do dance I don’t really care what people think, so it is a win win for me….bedsides what are they gonna do laugh? Fuck so they think my dancing is funny it brings them joy and if that is all the pleasure they have in their life, making fun of other people and sitting on the side line well so be it. Why can’t I provide them some entertainment who is it really gonna hurt?

But since we are “stuck” in this giant hamster wheel where we have to work to mkake money to buy things like booze, and fishing poles, so we can have fun on our “vacation” from work then we have to go back to make up the work that we missed, while on vacation…blah blah blah fuck you.

I say we rise up out of the cubicles and go on fucking walk about.

We should pick a spot some where warm, because who fucking wants to be poor AND cold? I’m thinking of my favorite line from the worst Robin William’s movie ever “Club Paradise” and spoken by one of the greatest actors ever Peter O’ Toole,

Jack (Robin Williams) “ Your Majesty? Why do you stay here?”
Governor Anthony Cloyden Hayes)Pete O Toole- “Because my dear boy the Caribbean is absolutely the best place to live if you’re poor”

So I figure if we head out to this place and either pool the remaining money AKA our bank accounts, and buy the place, or we just start squatting. Either way I think it is one of the best ideas I have had in 20 years. I know it isn’t a new one but that doesn’t mean it is a bad one.

Bouby’s G-pa is back in the hospital, and has been for the last 3 days, we are hoping that we will be busting his ass out today but the wardens seem to have his ass on lock down. So send her some good vibes and say a little prayer for him if that is what you do.
I spent the weekend with my seldom seen cousins in the VA/DC area. I had a ton of fun and I have some groovy pictures for a later date.

Have a fucking pooptastic Monday!

PS I was tagged by Pete do this little excercise;
Here are the directions: Write 5 random facts about yourself, and then list the names of 5 people whom you in turn infect.
1) I drink because I LIKE the taste of Booze..have since I was 11.
2) My accidental blonde hair...I like and I think I'll keep even though Bouby hates it.
3) My Knee has stayed swollen for over two weeks now and I think that surgery is going to happen sooner rather then later..whole knee replacement. Maybe I'lkl have them staple the stomach while they're in there...then I would be average.
4) I fear average.
5) I want to live on, in or near a beach one day. With rum

5 people who have to do my bidding...
The Hammer
Mental Mel
Non Girlfriend


Wednesday, December 07, 2005 keeps you warm at night

It is sofa king cold out there! Unbelievable! 9 degrees, wind chill -5.

There is no reason for that.

A forest fire is WAAAAYYY more useful then bone numbing cold. I bitch and moan about this every year because it seems to get worse every year. Last year we didn’t have this kind of cold for another month or two. Where the hell is all of this global warming everyone keeps talking about? I could do with less cold and more water. What have the fucking Ice Caps done for me lately? Fuck those stupid penguins. And don’t even get me started on the polar bears. I bet they taste great on rye.

Wanna know who else pisses me off?

Short fat people.

That’s right, the vertically challenged round abouts whose inseams are only 28”-34” long. Where are all of the tall FAT people? I tried to buy jeans over the weekend and I was even shut down at the fat guy store.

Yes it’s true, I either need to lose more weight (which I do) or grow 6 more inches (which I can’t…or more to the point can’t afford the stretching operation). How fucking sad is it when a tall fat guy can’t buy any fucking jeans? The un-helpful little bastard at the fat guy store even told me that as soon as they get anything in in a 36” inseam they sell it out almost immediately.

And here is where Nightmare throws a bearing.

If the store sells out the second the fucking pants hit the rack wouldn’t that mean that there are more tall fat guys out there who are looking for some jeans that fit well, and you should double your order the next week? It makes sense to me, but the tubby little bitch behind the counter told me that they only get a couple of pairs in every order and that they sell right away.

I had to be restrained before I choked the little short inseamed fucking round bastard. I should have used his fat ass as a Swiss exercise ball!

But here is the good news I’m headed out to VA this weekend to see some cousins I haven’t seen in Many many many years and one set just had a bouncing baby boy last weekend. So that will be a hoot and a half.

Peace in your hood.

Monday, December 05, 2005


Bambi's no good older brother. Beware there are PICS!

I did society a favor this past weekend. I eradicated a dangerous member of the animal kingdom before he could hurt again. Here is my story.

(That was my Law and Order huh?)

The wind was blowing out of the south east at 18-20 mph, with gusts up to 25 mph, it was cold. Like 20 degrees cold. My camo coat and pants wee doing their ob by not letting the forest animals see me and my scent blocker spray assured me that nothing would be able to see me.

I walked into the forest headed for my tree stand. It was my third day hunting. The first two days I hadn’t seen anything at all or it was on someone else’s land so I wasn’t allowed to shoot it.

But then on Friday I went hunting with my cousin on my uncle’s land and since he doesn’t allow guns it was bows only. Well to make this as short as possible I’ll give you the bullet points of what went down.

1) lost my stand, and tromped around in the trees making enough noise to wake the ghost of Christmas past, finally figured out where I was and found my stand.
2) Forgot that when you’re sitting 16 feet above the ground it is colder then if you were sitting on the ground. So I’m 16 feet up and freezing.
3) Decide to use the little “Hot Hands” heater pouches for my gloves, the packaging was frozen and rattled like a candy wrapper in a quiet movie theater. Great more noise.
4) Finally got light enough that I could see and lo and behold there was a deer.
5) I pulled my “Bleat can” out and gave it a turn. (It imitates the sound of a horny doe) and the deer stopped in his tracks.
6) I tried to put my bleat can in my pocket and dropped it out of the tree. It made a SHIT LOAD of noise banging around the stand and the tree branches. Great MORE FUCKING NOISE.
7) I grunted on my Buck grunt (it imitates the horny Buck) and the deer turned towards me and started walking.
8) He turned broad side for me at about 20 yards, and I shot and missed him. He hopped forward with a a look on his face like “ Like what the fuck ..over!
9) I renocked my second arrow and when he stayed around and waited for him to walk down the trail. He did I shot he bucked wildly and ran away. I had hit him.
10) It was a clean hit and he perished less then 50 yards from where I hit him.

Now we have venison in the freezer and by freezer I mean the truck box of my pick up because it is below freezing here and will be until Saturday. Here is a picture of his head, I didn’t take any of them with me in iot because I’m sure you’re tired of seeing my fat ass anyway.

The rest of the weekend was spent doing redneckery. My other cousin fixed my truck, it runs like a deer, we celebrated the hunting cousins B-day Saturday night, GOT WAY DRUNK! Loved it.

And now I’m back to stupid work. When is it my turn to win the lottery?

Saturday, December 03, 2005



Ok I got Bambi's Dad!...well Ok more like his older annoying brother, but I got my deer! I'm excited, but I'm also on dial up...can anyone else remember how cool we all once thought this was? DIAL UP BLOWS MONKEY NUTS!!

Anyway more on the hunt later for now I give you a history lesson.

A short History of Mankind
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.

This is just a joke, please be offended. Yes I said please BE offended. That;s why they have offend.