Monday, January 29, 2007
My head hurts, my feet stink and I don't love Jesus.....
I have clients coming in tomorrow.
I hate clients.
They are all a bunch of whinny, can’t make a decision even when you prove to them that is the best way to do anything, scared for their lives losers. And I don’t mean for anyone to take that personally, it is all a professional opinion. I’m sure that some of these people are really cool in their inner circle of friends, and relations. But as soon as they get to work all of their common sense flies right out of their asses and then they become the thirsty horse you can lead to water but refuses to drink because it might not be the right place to drink from, or maybe the water isn’t the right color or temperature even though you have explained to them that this water is just a place holder for the real water that will be forth coming in a river next week.
And so I have a headache. And my shoulders hurt because I’m all tensed up and stressed due to their inordinately large amount of questions that only they think sound like intelligent questions and to the rest of us sound a lot like a chimp throwing shit at a cage wall.
I really am trying to be more positive nowadays but I just can’t seem to get it done sometimes. I have this overwhelming urge to purge the stupid from this planet in the most heinous and grotesque way imaginable. Or at the very least slap them really hard every time they do something dumb.
I wish the Koreans would hurry up and drop some nukes and get this war of Armageddon started. If we had a good old fashioned thermonuclear war going on then none of us would have to work and all of this shit that people think is important would all disappear and the only thing left would be the importance of living and eating. I would not be a salesman of luxury things, I would be a hunter and gatherer that would help provide for my clan, tribe, or harem, or what ever the cool kids are calling nowadays. I know I have called for a wish to blow ourselves back to the single cell organism but maybe that is a stretch. I think the stone ages would be a better start. I can kill with a rock, I can stand at the river and swat fish, I know what plants are edible and how to grind stuff up with rocks, to make meal…hell I even know how to make alcohol…not that I would, with the world in chaos I think to relax I would grow weed….it’s just easier.
Shit. Phones ringing. More stupid people, must refrain from screaming….not working, I feel it slipping…ABORT ABORT!!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
In this box of crap lives some pretty funny stuff, like a wooden circa 1960’s “Peter Meter” with funny things written every inch, at the foot mark it just says “warning, this could strangle”….Yeah my Dad is funny. But in this old men’s jewelry box, lived 12-15 tie clips. So I began looking for a good one that would match the tie and look nice. Some of them were discarded due to size, back in the day they wore these super skinny ties, and the clips matched them, so they looked dumb on today’s semi wide ties. I finally picked one and took it upstairs and hit it with Bouby’s silver rag, and put a nice shine on it.
This is just one of the more recent events that have led me to believe that my piles of junk are really good for what you need. I can’t remember how many times someone has asked me for something that they just can’t find anywhere and I surprise them by saying..”Oh I have one of those at home, and I’ll bring it in tomorrow”. The point in this sordid tale of pack rat-ery, is every since I can remember there has been someone in my life that has told me that I am a pack rat and to clean up my crap.
As a kid it was Mom, in High school it was my football coach (Clean up your locker Nightmare! You got shit everywhere!) College it was the occasional roommate…unless they needed something. Oddly enough since I was/am a pack rat, my Mom used to call me and ask me where stuff was even if I hadn’t been home in a year or two, and she would walk to where I told her and lo and behold there it was…whatever “it” was. Then it was girlfriends, and finally my Bouby. She tells me all the time that I have too much junk, and I agree with her I do. And since I love her, I try to keep my collecting to a minimum, but I have on occasion had to clean out certain areas and throw a bunch of shit away. Like two weeks ago before my cousin came in for a two day whirlwind tour. I decided to go through the office and throw out a lot of stuff. A full dumpster worth of old magazines and miscellaneous trinkets that I had jammed in my pockets thinking, “someone might need this sometime”.
So yesterday I asked one of my co-workers what the new toggle switch was hanging out of his dash board was and he replied “It switches my radio and my Sirius satellite radio back and forth”.
Shit, I need that I have a Sirius satellite radio how are you doing that? What is that switch hooked up too?
“An FM modulator”
“You’re kidding I have one of those things in the office at my house, If I get it, will you show me how it works?”
So this morning I go into the office and where my highly organized pile of crap used to be is a almost pristine clean floor and the FM modulator is missing. My brain raced…what the fuck did I do with that?
I looked under stuff, I looked in drawers, I remembered wrapping all of the loose wires into a nice tight bundle and placing it reverently into a white plastic trash bag with a full years worth of Maxim Magazines………and taking said bag out to the dumpster.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Another heavy box to carry...
G-ma was your typical Midwest 4X4 grandma, (4 feet tall 4 feet around), smoked the More 120 ciggys, they were brown and about a foot and a half long, she wore the requisite tent dresses and made the best soul food in 5 counties. There was a Life Magazine article written about her and her family in the 40’s when BFF’s dad was a little shaver, I remember reading the article but that is all I can remember, I have no idea today what it was about, just blacks in the Midwest I guess.
I asked her once what it was like growing up in the depression. She looked at me like I had snakes on my plane (and yes I did just make a new colloquialism) So I asked her again and she looked me the eye and said, “I have no idea”
I was flabbergasted! “what do you mean ?...you were in your early twenties, or late teens right? How did you not know what it was like?”
“Chile, (just like Hunny Chile..) I don’t know what it was like because that event didn’t affect me or anyone I know. We grew all of our own food and made all of our own clothes and sold off what we didn’t can, nor eat. Our land was bought and paid for and there was no stocks or bonds in our family, so we jus, kept on living.”
I hadn’t thought about that.
She used to call my house when I was in high school looking for “C” and when he wasn’t there she would ask me to help her do something. I didn’t mind “C” did and he would sometimes get mad at me for helping, I think his dad would make him feel bad for not helping and with me helping it was pissing him off. One of the big things I would do for her when she couldn’t find “C” was mow her lawn. It wasn’t the biggest lawn, but it sure the hell wasn’t small. The calls would go like this…
My mom would answer the phone…Hello?
“Yes, I don’t know if you remember me this is…well the boys just call me Grandma, is Nightmare home?”
Mom giggling, because no matter how many times she called she would say this and it wasn’t like 50+ years of smoking and her cultural background made it hard to disguise her voice..NIGHTMARE GRANDMA IS ON THE PHONE!! She would yell down the stairs….
“OK I got it” hello?
“Nightmare…have you seen that lazy no good grandson “C”? “
“No grandma I haven’t “
“well I need my grass cut, I gots ladies from church coming over tomorrow and I can’t hav'em seeing my grass like this!”
“I’ll be over in a few minutes”
“OH Well I’ll pay you for it”
“No that’s ok You don’t need to”
“well I got some beans and cornbread, and greens, if’n y’all wants some of that”
“That’s a deal!!”
So I would drive over and spend an hour mowing her lawn and drinking her kool-aid, and then noshing on some of the best soul food on the planet!
She has spent the last 15 years in assisted living and losing her marbles slowly but surely. But she is still alive and yelling at me and “C” in my memories and thoughts.
Rest well Ruth. I will help gently lower you to your final resting place and I hope you know peace, you always said you knew God....
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Once upon a bottle
The Number of Job Searches Buried By Digital Dirt Will Rise
As the popularity of social networking sites, blogs and online forums increase, a growing number of hiring managers will turn to Internet search engines in an attempt to gain a more complete picture of job seekers. In 2006, ExecuNet's exclusive research revealed that more than one-third (35%) of executive recruiters who used the Internet to research candidates eliminated someone from consideration based on information uncovered online — up from just 26% in 2005. Given the long shelf life of Internet content and the growing number of employers who are turning to the web to learn more about job candidates, ExecuNet predicts the number of job seekers who are prejudged or eliminated due to this "digital dirt" will climb even higher in 2007.
Now back to your originally scheduled program.....
There was this time in my life where I would drink to excess on a daily basis. I think it was due to the fact that I really love the taste of alcohol, and I enjoyed being drunk. I’m not sure what happened or when this fun stopped but I really don’t enjoy the drunk as much as I used to.
My first year in college…the first time around, it was 1985, in the fall. I was recovering from my very first set of knee surgeries, both a scope and a cutting, and I was on partial scholarship to play football.
I was drinking a 5th of Jack a night 3-4 nights a week. I drank so much Jack Daniels the rest of the team just called me JD. A nick name that lasted until I accidently started a race riot on campus.
Yes I know it sounds odd that me, the most tolerant of all people…with the one exception of stupid people and their enablers, would be the cause of a race riot. I’ll explain.
This college I was attending was a junior college in Independence Kansas aptly named ICC. There was, at the time 8 dorm buildings, 3 dorms per building 4 rooms per dorm, 2 people to a room…follow me so far? Roughly 200 people. So I was drunk, it was a Thursday night in the spring time early 1986. Most of the people that lived in these dorms were athletes, football, basketball, women’s basketball, volleyball, all of the big ones at that time. Most of these athletes were black. We were one big assed dysfunctional family. You never lost your girlfriend, you just lost your turn, it was a very surreal.
One of the favorite activities of any small college town is the fun little game townies VS students, and ICC wasn’t any different. The “townies” resented us because we were attending college and playing football and garnering favoritism from the city fathers. Yes I’m saying boosters were alive and well in ICC as a matter of fact I never paid for a single meal out on the town, whether it was at Pizza Hut, Braum’s Ice Cream, or the local diner “Eggberts”. It was nice to have perks like that, but there is the dark side to that equation. When the “townies” saw we never picked up a check, but we did pick up their girlfriends, they tended to get mad…fighting mad.
We were overly aggressive, young , kids playing a violent sport, we liked to mix it up on occasion. One of these occasions was the night of the “race riot”. I was in my dorm, I was getting antsy, I wanted to do one of three things, fight fuck or get drunk, or do all three which we referred to as the wheel. So putting the final touches on the first fifth of Jack, I was feeling pretty much no pain, and was looking to go out and attempt the wheel. As I stepped out of my dorm I was informed that one of the other dorms that was an all black dorm, was looking for a fight. Well that was all I needed to hear! 10-15 brutha’s looking for the same thing I was looking for, it would be a classic fight! We would either end up bruised and excited or in jail, or both. I strode over and walked into the dorm, I heard the men in one room as they played dominoes, so I walked in and promptly asked;
“So I heard ya’ll was looking for a fight”
It was a scene right out of Weird Science, the music stopped, the crowd got quiet, and 10 sets of eyes turned on me.
One of the smallest, yet angriest defensive backs we had on the team jumped off of the bed, and got up in my face and said ;
“what was that peckerwood?”
Still oblivious to the rage, and misunderstanding that was developing before me, and since I was drunk I repeated myself;
“So I heard ya’ll was looking for a fight”?
“we are now muthafucker! You jes stepped on yo dick asshole!”
“you heard me bitch”
It was then I realized I was about to get my stupid ass kicked and I tried to explain what I was really talking about.
““No wait, I don’t want to fight you…”
“Well too late muthafucker…”
And the little feller stepped into my personal space and instinct took over the use of my arms and the next thing I saw was little Mr. Wilcox flying through the air and banging his head on the light fixture that was mounted on the wall above the bed….5 feet above the bed…..shit, it was on.
The next thing I know there was more yelling and punching, and I was giving as good as I got then I was abruptly whisked outside. I didn’t know how that happened one minute I was in the brawl of a lifetime with 10 guys, and suddenly I was outside and couldn’t move my arms.
Hell I wasn’t sure where my arms were, I then realized that someone or something was holding them behind me, and that was not only confusing (Remember I was a little out of it and I am nor was I ever a small person), but it was also maddening. With a guttural roar I tried to break free and get back into the melee. Nothing doing. I had no idea who had a hold of me but they were on it! Suddenly this cat named Cochise (he was Indian…feathers not dots) jumped in front of me and started asking what the fuck did I think I was doing, I didn’t understand a word he was saying, I didn’t until he hit me, and I tried to explain myself, but the person or people holding my arms wouldn’t let go, so I was pretty well subdued, then Cochise got too close and I headbutted him in the face….did I mention I was young, dumb AND drunk?
Well the boys finally settled me down and I agreed to go into my dorm. It was then I saw who it was that was so handedly holding me back, I should have known, it was a guy named Bull who was more farm animal then he was human. He spent some time as a WWF wrestler after our stint at ICC, but he was one of the only people that had that kind of strength.
Well it took me a week of apologizing, and explaining and numerous losses at the dominoes tables before things were right with the dorm people again, and I stopped drinking Jack Daniels.
Monday, January 15, 2007
NICE ICE BABY!
There are 300K fucking cold assed people out there. Thankfully I am not one of them. I only had to scrape that inch of ice off of my SUV….that sounds so dumb, but it isn’t a car really, and it sure the hell isn’t a truck, so what do you call it when you don’t want to sound like a complete douche?, any ay it took me 40 minutes to get the ice off the car enough so that I could see to drive.
And Drive I did right into traffic which is called traffic because “Fucking stupid people driving” is way to long, so they just call it traffic. Why do old people feel the need to wake up and drive in packs when it is crappy out? Why couldn’t you fucking elders get out and do what ever it is that you feel you need to do EVERY MONDAY MORNING DURING RUSH HOUR ON SUNDAY! What the fuck are you doing all day on Sunday? Fucking church only lasts an hour, stay off the roads before you get shot.
When I get elected President I will make it mandatory that if you are old and you are within 25 yards of an accident you can and will be sued because more than likely you had something to do with that accident. You were either not driving fast enough, or you left your blinker on for the last 23,899.4 miles, or you were weaving trying to focus on the car ahead of you between your godddamned cataracts.
New law- If you are between 60 and infinity, you are not allowed to drive between the hours of 5:30 am and 9am, AND 4:00pm and and 6pm...they call it rush hour for a reason! We are rushing to or from work!!
Stay fucking home until people paying for your social security get to fucking work.
How are you doing? I’m good, I woke up and rubbed one out, my new ride does infinitely better in the crappy weather then my old beater Chevy, my long underwear works very well, all is right with the world.
I know that most people didn’t think my Mini movie was as funny as I did, but I could watch that all day and giggle. I don’t know why that makes me laugh, but I think of it like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s view on obscenity, (Paraphrased) “ I can’t define it but I know it when I see it”. So I watch and giggle, like a kindergartner looking at the JC Penny panty ads! (is that better ATM?).
Tonight Bouby and I have our inaugural dinner for the local chapter of the volunteer organization we belong to, I have a new hat that requires me to use my college degree so I’m pretty excited. Not that I don’t use some part of my college experience every day, but really how often are you asked to do 4 shots of Jager and head butt people for no reason?
Friday, January 12, 2007
fun with macro
Not to mention these...
How fun is the macro setting on my camera? I just love it!
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Nerds and the air we breathe..A retrospective
CES is the same as it ever was, packed and covered in Nerd juice. If you have never been to CES let me give you a run down of what to expect.
First CES stands for the Consumer electronics show. It is the world’s largest trade show, basically because it is open to the public if you pre-register…if you don’t then you have to buy the really expensive 200.00 all access pass where you can hear people like Bill Gates speak on the coming attractions in the electronic age.
Imagine 300,000 Trekies, 90% of them non English speaking, all wandering around drooling about the new 120” LCD HD TV…sorry my nerdery is showing..the 120 inch liquid crystal display high definition television. Which IS pretty cool, but does anyone really need a a 9 foot television? Especially one that costs 100K?? NO, so anyway you are completely surrounded by these people that have normally questionable hygiene habits, and then you put them in Sin city for a week, stir in the HUGE amount of strippers and prostitutes that work in Vegas and add in 5-7 days of bad food, and alcohol, and you have an assault on your senses that would cause a buzzard to fall off a shit truck at 100 paces. The point is that the stuff there is just for teasing, you can’t buy any of it and there isn’t much playing with it, so all you have is walking and looking and if you’re in the business of in electronics, then you can make contracts to buy a ton of stuff, at a later date.
As cool as I think some if the stuff is, there is NOTHING there that you can’t find with a simple Google search and absolutely NOTHING you can’t buy and have shipped to your house once you find it on line.
I did however get my picture taken with Darth Vader and a random Stormtrooper, AND Jackie the Jokeman Martling!!
Whom I just LOVE, every since I saw him on “Make me Laugh” in the 70’s and yes I’m old so go fuck yourself. Sorry that the picture is so fuzzy but my older brother is a shakey homo who has parkinsons...ok he just can't hold still.
Here are some random other pictures as well.
This one is the dumbest waste of money I have ever seen. It doesn’t even have a steering wheel!!
This is the true definition of a “Lowrider”
On the way home I snapped this picture of the coolest thing I have ever seen. I watched the Dr. put one of these in on the discovery channel a few years back, but I have never seen one in person. This is one of those amazing head implants that allows a deaf person to hear again. Most of my dad’s side of the family including him, are deaf as posts and have had some sort of hearing aid for most of the last 20 years if not the last 80…so I am looking forward to seeing how soon I’ll be fitted for my own hearing device since my brothers tell me I’m more like that side of the family, and less like Mom’s. But I also have had a lot of deaf friends and acquaintances over that last 20 or so years and one guy in particular really made my day once upon lifetime ago.
I was working at Riley’s Bar and Grill in Chico CA and one of my regulars was this deaf kid, he used to come in and try and teach me sign language, and I would try and see how alcohol would affect a guy that couldn’t hear. So during this alcohol induced bonding period we became pretty good friends, well at least the kinda friends who would share a pitcher if they saw each other out and about, not the kind of friends who sat around and watched “chick flicks” without the social stigmatism. Then one day he stopped dropping in. It wasn’t that I noticed right away it, it took me a couple of weeks and then only when he showed up at the door did I realize that he had been gone.
He used to come up to the door and put his hand on the wall and tell me what was playing, and whether or not he liked said band, saw them in concert, wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire or what. It was a pretty cool game.
But then one day when he was gone for a month or so, and I didn’t know it he came walking up, (I would have said sauntered, but he really wasn’t the sauntering type.) and we started chatting. He looked up at me and said, “AC/DC…I saw them in Oakland coliseum in the 80’s” I replied, “Yeah, I have liked them for a while but I haven’t seen them…..” and it hit me………. He was standing a good 10 feet away from the wall and he could HEAR the band, not feel the vibes from the wall but he could actually hear the music.
HOLY FUCKING DIVER!!....I screamed! You can fucking hear! He replied, “Shut up you’re making me deaf with all of the screaming!
I laughed and asked him “how?..... the fuck?...What? ( yeah I was eloquent back in the day) He then explained that he had a hearing procedure that restored his hearing from 20% in the left ear to 68/70% and 10% in his right ear to almost 50%. I didn’t know what to say so being the big sissy that I am I just grabbed him and squeezed him like he was a bag of Charmin. (the older kids will get that one). But I just was so happy for the little guy I couldn’t help it.
So anyway that is why I thought this was so cool! Not only that but it is one step closer to hard wired heads just like in “Johnny Mnemenoic” or the original story Gibson wrote “Count Zero” Anyway it is cool.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Why am I surrounded by the dumb?
He hesitantly agreed before asking what she ordered.
“Well I ordered a Cappuccino, and it is ½ Foam!”
I started to smile…..
My smile turned into a giggle….
I then started to laugh uncontrollably…
Not loud mind you just laughing and shaking, and trying not to guffaw in her and her semi understanding husband’s face..My brother came up and tried to ask me something , and all I could get out was giggles and shaking, I looked like a retard riding a paint shaker.
I am reminded daily that education is a voluntary responsibility, and if you don’t want to learn you will continue to be disappointed, and if you don’t know and you fail to ask, you will also be kept in the dark, or at least reminded that it never hurts to ask a question.
So I’m in Vegas for the next two days and so is my Mother! Her and her friend have always wanted to go to CES, the Consumer Electronics Show, where all of the cool new gadgets can be previewed for the new year and possibly the next two years, or more, but her buddy is a complete gadget freak and can’t wait to walk the floor and see all of the cool shit that is coming out, but last night we went out to dinner (THANKS BROTHER!!he bought) and if you have never been to the Golden Steer in Vegas, it is extremely expensive, and every time I go I get the bill, and am ready to pay double because the steaks are so good!! BUT I would highly recommend it!! This is the place that the Rat pack would hang out and have steaks, since they were usually with each other and all of their favorite whores, they all had their own tables, Last night however we were seated at the Elvis Presley table right next to the Joe DiMaggio table.
Two people had “birthdays” last night and they serve this crazy birthday cake thing with a 4th of July style sparkler fountain stuck in the middle of it and the staff sings happy birthday. It was awesome, and on the way out I stuck 20 bucks into the bar slot machine, pushed max bet, and hit for $150…so I won twice!.
I’ll share more photo’s and what not at a later date….
And for those hicks in the Midwest who are too ignorant to order coffee at Starbucks…you don’t want a cappuccino , YOU WANT A LATTE!!
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
May I have your Attention please!!
I feel that it is high time that we had someone in the White House that ISN’T connected to all of the other narcissistic, pork barrel, Tammany Hall Politicians that are polluting our freedoms and way of life.
My platform, will be based loosely on Darwinism with a chunk of common sense thrown in.
1. I feel that there is way too much money being spent on medical research. I blame the otherwise un-named over populationist party. If we keep curing all of the diseases we will continue to breed like the vermin that, we have proved the human race to be. So we must stop the researching the cures of the only predator that humans have. With out predators we will exhaust the worlds food supply and wars will be fought over the last kernel of corn. I will then funnel all of this money into education.
2. My education policy will be to pay the teachers what their worth and instill a year long school system. Since we can’t seem to keep a family together and the babies mommies and daddies can’t pay for these excess children’s day care, so they continue to run the streets and be bored, mischievous, and engaged in criminal activity, we will just make them learn all year long. Any student that cuts class repeatedly will be arrested and sent to the military school of his/her choice. Where the offending kid will spend the equivalent amount of time in the real army when the age of 18 hits. So if he is a wanker when he/she is 10 years of age, and gets sent to government sponsored military school, then he/she owes the Government 8 years of REAL military service, after graduation. Thus paying for the 8 years of education gained by not following the wishes of his/her parents and staying in public school. The regulations to become a teacher will be stricter. Since the pay is higher, we will have a background check, stress levels monitored, and the tenure program removed. When you lose the ability to teach effectively , you will no longer be a teacher.
3. We will make the entire nation a true free working society, whereas we will abolish the unions and instill a minimum wage system that rewards the educated and entrepreneur. No more free rides on the welfare teat! Children will no longer be an asset to the unwed, unwashed, money grubbing, lazy of America. We will have social programs but they will be based on working and education. If you need some help getting a better education so you can become an asset to society as a whole, we will help you. If however we find that you refuse to learn, or are mentally deficient, there will be opportunities for you in any of the menial jobs that are currently being done by people who can’t speak English.
4. Foreign policy…NONE. We will pull back all troops, and work on fixing America’s problems first. Our borders will be closed. I don’t think our forefathers would have been able to foresee the amount of people that are currently sneaking in and circumventing the law to become citizens of America. If the government of Mexico doesn’t stop training all of its workers to come to America, we will forcibly annex Mexico and start a literacy program so that we all speak American English.
5. There will be a flat tax put in place to keep the big corporations from using loopholes to not pay any taxes. That new tax base will be used to create a nationwide affordable train system, like in Japan. Not only cross country but in every city a mass transit system will be built and funded by the new tax base.
6. Drugs will be legalized AND taxed! People don’t NOT use drugs because they are illegal they don’t use them because they don’t want to. HOWEVER! If you are caught driving under the influence or running heavy machinery, or endangering the life of any other person, you will serve time at rehab/work farm. Our roads and highways will be kept clean by hordes of drunk drivers, who will forfeit their right to a job when they are caught driving under the influence.
There are more policies that I will be discussing but until then I need money to advertise my campaign. Please contact me if you would like to make a donation, or if you would like to help get me elected.