SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT

Apparently, with the Kansas State Wildcats losing last night my sexuality changed. This will come as quite the shock to Bouby and several old girlfriends…to finally know I’m a Faggot. That’s right with the 37-10 drubbing at the hands of Rutgers University 39 years of heterosexuality went right out the window, so bring me some cock and find me a glory hole to sit in I’ve got some catching up to do. Not to mention heading over to Arthur Bryants and pick up a bottle of sauce for that empty sack having ass monkey NGD

But a bet’s a bet and an asshole is an asshole.

That game was so hard to watch and yes I did get to watch it in the confines of my own home, it seems that The NFL Network was kind enough to give a free week to home towns and cable companies around the home towns of colleges playing in bowl games, so until Saturday night 8 EST, we have the NFL Network…why Saturday night at 8 EST? Well there is an NFL game coming on the NFL channel and god forbid you entice the people that you’re screwing out of the good stuff with a “this is how we do it right” showing of a football game, so turn that fucker off and let me have my Madden moment, fucking dumb asses.

So other than that I had my two week check up on my knee….I asked “how soon until I get full range of motion back?”
Dr. : “Oh never”
Me; Really?? So this is all the further I will be able to bend it forever? As I demonstrate until I start weeping.
Dr.: “well no, you will get some of that back, it will just take a while”
Me: “so what can I do?”
Dr.: “ Well no deep knee bends, or squats, or jogging..(yeah like I was a big jogger before)
Me: “ So I shouldn’t go back into power lifting then either huh?”
Dr.: “Well that is up to you but I wouldn’t recommend it you have NO cushion inside of your knee any more, here is the picture of the cartilage ripped and folded over on itself, and here is the same picture 20 minutes later, notice the gaping hole..you have nothing!! So stop fucking with me and let me pull your stitches!

Ok he didn’t say that last part, except the missing cartilage part that is true. Where I once had painful broken padding, I now have wide open spaces. So no waxing the floors Mr. Miagi-san

My older brother who is now working with me, or at least at the same company again, gave me a ham from one of our vendors. I didn't look at it too closely, I mean it was a fucking ham for god's sake.

Well I tried to give it away to the relatives, both sets and they didn't want it, they had enough food, So I take it home to cook and freeze if I have to.

Well I don't know who fucking thought that trying to bring back the good old days before we had refridgeration was a good idea but I can tell you it plain ass sucks! I should have just thrown the fucking thing into the river.

The Instructions to cook the "Sugarland Ham, Sugar cured for maximum flavor" start with the words.."It is natural for a dry cured ham to be covered with some mold"

WHAT??

"To remove this wash with a stiff bristle brush under running water..."

FUCK!

"Then if baking, submerge the ham in water and let soak for 12-24 hours"

You have got to be fucking kidding me!! First this thing was 15.8 LBS, that is one big assed hog leg, and second, I don't have a bucket big enough to soak a 15LB ham in. I tried the sink, but I have a slow leak in the stopper, so after refilling the sink 1.9 gigatimes, I gave up and put the bitch in a big bowl and covered it with a tea-towel to keep it moist.

Does the fun stop there? NOOOOO! The next day when I got off of work I read further down on the instructions to find baking times...250 degrees at 20-25 minutes PER POUND! So since it was 5:00pm we would be eating dinner around 10pm...wait what's that? After it is done baking, I am to pull it out get it out of the pan and cut the fat and skin off!! THEN they are suggusting I glaze it and brown the ham at 375 for 20 minutes...So dinner would be around midnight...it's not a fucking ham it is a science experiment!

Needless to say I have about 12 LBS of ham in my fridge that I will more that like be eating for a month. AND as a bonus feature the whole house smells like hot hogs ass, I mean it stinks like no other ham I have ever smelled in my life!

So not a good idea, unless you're Amish or triple dog dared.


I also have a wonderful new favorite to show everyone, please take a second and go here, and the head over to Joe’s Place and read about his close encounter with a 15 year old trollop…I’m sure she is legal now though.

Have a happy New Year and NO GOOD DADDY….Checks in the male.

I was dialing the phone this morning, calling 911, when I decided to take another look. You see I was outside taking out the trash when I noticed a box. It was just sitting there and there was no one around.

I got nervous.

So I hurriedly stepped inside, and waited, I didn’t want to be like that woman in downtown KC who called in an unattended box of chocolates and the bomb squad, Haz-Mat team, police, and fire were all called out to make sure the box of chocolates were safe and Al Qaeda free. Well I certainly didn’t want to be that person, so I waited and peered out the window of the door.

I waited

And I waited

And I waited, I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the phone.

At this point I was getting scared, I went to the bed room and got my new toy…you know the one with the scope?... well I stood at the door and with pistol in one hand and the phone in the other and still I waited.

After all I blasted the people of KC for being foolish and I sure as hell didn’t want to eat crow. And then I put that poor soul on calling them all kinds of names and even showed people where his neighborhood was and if I was wrong and the Al Qaeda were starting a street box bombing operation here in the KC metro area, well I would certainly look like an even BIGGER asshole than usual…so I waited .

And I was nervously waiting and I was starting to dial when I noticed there was more than one box!!!

The street was covered with them.


Thank Fucking God! It was trash pick up day. I put the phone down and the pistol back in the safe, and went out to smoke a cigar…after all I was safe and sound here in the Midwest where we only blow up ourselves. Think Oklahoma City...


Well the big game in on for tomorrow, Nightmare’s Alma Mater VS NGD’s Alma Mater.

Guess who won’t get to see it???

That’s right ME!! It is on the NFL network and as much as I love the NFL network, I would have to switch to DISH network to receive it. You see the NFL network wants to charge Time Warner TWICE as much to carry the channel as it charges all of the small cable carriers and the other satellite carriers. So it isn’t available in my area due to some fucked up politics. It looks like I am off to a bar for at least a little while.

Oh and NGD and I have a little side bet going REAL NJ bagels against my KC BBQ sauce.

We’ll let you all know who is enjoying what…I mean I’ll show you pictures of me enjoying my bagels. GO WILDCATS!!

I was sitting at home enjoying the rest of my forced vacation, when I got this wonderful email alert that was so thoughtfully left by a stranger….
I'm glad the Internet exists so that idiots like nightmare54 (oooh!) can post their idiot teen-angst rants, and be linked to by cockwads like Tony. Hooray for America!

As a parting thought, I would like to say, yes, you're so cool and original bagging on KC. I mean, that is so totally original and not at all 1994. I know, you just *totally* hate it here, because you're so fucking smart and cultured! Yeah.

What a peach of a person. This asshole more than likely doesn’t change the station when a song he/she can’t stand comes on, they just cry and whine and write to the station to complain and then create a committee to have the song banned because they find it offensive. Well I say;

EAT ME!!

That’s right go fuck yourself. As a matter of fact here is a picture of this assholes neighborhood,


just in case anyone wants to ass rape some future meddler, who will end up having everyone pay more for the ability to be American then they used to because they were too fucking stupid to read, call bullshit, or agree, as the case may be and move on with their lives.
Anyone?

Anyone.

Well we better not actually, It is people like this that we have to have warning lables like "Don't use hairdryer in bath tub".and I just watched the first part of “The Fisher King” and I really don’t want to end up like Jeff Bridges.

And no that was TODD Bridges, who was always asked “Watchyoutalkinboutwillis?”

So enjoy the obscurity that the internet brings you and for the love of Christ stop looking at all of that porn! You’ll go blind!

Why does all the good in the worl have to be accompanied by the bad? I awoke this morning with visions of sugarplums dancing in my head, and the thought of good will in my heart. I check my email, I have satanic good wishes from a friend of mine who has the seat next to mine reserved in hell, right next to the lake of fire, life if good. then I read the next headline and I cry.

'Godfather of Soul' James Brown dies
Singer hospitalized with pneumonia on Sunday
By ASSOCIATED PRESS
James Brown, the dynamic, pompadoured "Godfather of Soul," whose rasping vocals and revolutionary rhythms made him a founder of rap, funk and disco as well, died early Monday, his agent said. He was 73.

Brown was hospitalized with pneumonia at Emory Crawford Long Hospital on Sunday and died around 1:45 a.m. EST Monday, said his agent, Frank Copsidas of Intrigue Music. Longtime friend Charles Bobbit was by his side, he said.

Copsidas said Brown's family was being notified of his death and that the cause was still uncertain. "We really don't know at this point what he died of," he said.

SO now I'm fucking sad again.

The hardest working man in show business is now worm food and music has lost yet another pioneer. Say a little prayer to your deity for Jimmy and make his crossing comfortable.

May the Gods have mercy on your soul jimmy boy.

Remeber DUMB is FOREVER!

Well I didn’t think I would have something to say already but thankfully the citizens of Kansas City have given me a yet again, some stupidity to rant on.

Yesterday someone in KC spotted a brown box on a newspaper machine and since no one was around it naturally thought Al Qaeda was involved.

So they call 911

Yes a small brown box had 911 called on it because it was left unattended in downtown KC. The police, Haz-Mat team, and the bomb squad, all responded to take down the suspious box.

Now on their behalf I must say it was addressed to the president of UMB bank, and since I bank there, I know there are times when I would have liked to cause bodily harm to some of the employees, but I would have done so with a little more personal weaponry, say a knife, or a busted beer bottle , something that would allow me to see the look in their eyes and that they would know EXACTLY whose account they had fucked up yet again. But a bomb? Or a box of anthrax? No. not MY style.

But I digress. So the entire area was cordoned off and the men in the padded suits came in and made sure that the box in question wasn’t leaking radioactive waste, or ticking, or if it even smelled like noxious fumes. I’m guessing that it cost the tax payers about $25,000 or more to have this box examined by the experts and then carefully diffused.

It was a box of $14 chocolates.

Someone was giving a gift of chocolates to the president of UMB. It is now one of the most expensive boxes of chocolates.

PEOPLE OF KC PLEASE LISTEN UP!

Regardless of the unnatural love you have for the KC metro area, and the Plaza, IT IS NOT ON THE TOP 100 PLACES THAT AL QAEDA WANTS TO BOMB! There is no way that this stupid one horsed, losing base ball team, choking football team, no culture having pony show of a town is even on the remote radar of the terrorist nation. Stop panicking! Your stupid little slice of heaven has never been more secure. Do you think that out of all of the places that represent the way we Americans use our freedoms, like Disneyland, or Broadway in NY, or even the Golden Gate Bridge, that the American royal Rodeo even holds a birthday sized candle to them?

Fuck off!

Stop wasting our tax dollars on your stupid fears. WAKE THE FUCK UP AND REALIZE YOUR LIFE IN KCD IS SAFE…unless you are black and live on prospect, then you are busy shooting each other on a daily basis. I wish people would get as concerned with the fact that none of my temps knew who Winston Churchill was and call the cops on poor education in the metro area, instead of thinking that a box of fucking chocolates are a fucking bomb!

I HATE YOU IGNORANT ASS-HAMMERS!

Fucking white people.

PS Please visit Pete's page found on the left there and Vote for me to Win the IncrediPete webpage extravaganza! I need some new digs around here ya know...

You know how I’m feeling?

I’M SWELL!

Get it?

My leg is all swollen and I say I’m SWELL!!

Funny stuff right there I tell ya. That one is free, the next one you will have to buy at full purchase price.

So I wrote the contract for my big company yesterday while keeping my leg elevated, it was quite the spirit lifter, $596,600, that is a lot of cabbage, I just hope we didn’t bite off more than we can chew…not that we can’t do it, but can we do it for the price quoted? Maybe…I don’t know yet because the product they are selling isn’t done yet. So with out a demo unit I can’t tell how their stuff works to be able to see if our stuff is going to work.

But who cares? It is time to celebrate the winter solstice, or Christmas, or shaka chan, I mean Hanukkah, what ever your people believe it is the time to say thank you for being you, to give gifts of survival…yes survival, you and the most of the people you know made it to another season and it is time to celebrate. SO carve out a Yule log, or light a candle, or dance naked around a pine tree, what ever your celebration of choice is, get to it and thank your deity for allowing you to make it another year around the sun.

Speaking of the winter solstice here is a groovy something I didn’t know. (Please hold while I cut and paste)

“Many of us know that Stonehenge is a perfect marker of both solstices. But not so many people are familiar with Newgrange, a beautiful megalithic site in Ireland. This huge circular stone structure is estimated to be 5,000 years old, older by centuries than Stonehenge, older than the Egyptian pyramids! It was built to receive a shaft of sunlight deep into its central chamber at dawn on winter solstice. The light illuminates a stone basin below intricate carvings -- spirals, eye shapes, solar discs. Although not much is known about how Newgrange was used by its builders, marking the solstice was obviously of tremendous spiritual import to them. Here's more on this incredible ancient site.”


I had no idea that this place even existed! This is like something right out of Raiders of the lost Ark! A beam of light from one day in the entire year! and it illuminates a stone bowl, with swirls carved into it…these guys were REALLY happy they made it one more time around the sun. I bet this day marked the day that everyone was required to take a bath, or all of the people of the right age were forced to get married so the perpetuation of the race would continue. Hell as far as we know this could be the temple of Cain. Because you know that is how white people came about….Cain killed his brother Able, and God marked him so that all would know his shame…well he turned the otherwise swarthy north African man into a blonde haired blue eyed devil and sent him out of the garden of Eden. Well Cain went north and started breeding with the indigenous people he found along the way and lo and behold we have white people.

So maybe this thing is a temple to the guy who fucked up his brother all in the name of jealousy.

Or not

In case I don’t have time to rant about something equally as silly at a later date, have a Merry Christmas!

And for my Jewish friends;

YOU FUCKING KILLED CHRIST!! NO PRESENTS FOR YOU!!

Ok that was outta bounds, I’m sorry I don’t think that you personally killed anyone, otherwise you’d be like 2000+ years old and wow! That is pretty old.

So Happy Hanukkah, light the Menorah enjoy those 8 crazy nights.

Pagans- go carve and burn your Yule log, dance around the only green tree in the forest, and pray for decent crops next year.


Peace out and hug the ones you love…they’ll be dead before you know it and then if you hug them, it is kinda gross.

I have never been one to listen to too many of the doctor’s whiny post procedure instructions and this time is no exception. After the surgery I woke up and was almost instantly ready to leave. But they have this stupid rule that keeps you there for at least an hour after you’re awake. So I had to sit around and wonder if everything was going to be ok or what.

The doctor was supposed to come in and tell me how cool everything went and how I’m not supposed to be putting any weight on it for the first 24 hours and some exercises that I should be doing and so forth and so on….guess what? HE NEVER SHOWED!!

It is a good thing I had been through all of this shit before.

So it has been four days since I was poked and prodded and grinded, and cut on and the swelling and discoloration has started to appear. Look at the cool photos!





So We are almost ready to start our annual Christmas road trip, Since we have so many families we spend almost as much time on the road as we do at any one house. But at least all of the shopping is done and I can’t wait to see the look on my Dad’s face when he sees the black hooker with 48DD’s I rented him so he could get his ghetto booty on!!


Ok I was just seeing if you were paying attention. But it would be pretty fucking funny to watch some 70+ old white guy walk into a room with a huge black hooker wanting him to throw it to her hard!

Surgery went well and If I can find a way to get my video of the surgery in some sort of digital form, I'll you tube it!!

OH and the drugs they gave me suck...Stupid Darvocet. So thank god I got soem good stuff in my pockets!

Tomorrow I go under the knife.

I wish I could say it was for a penile extension, but it isn’t it is for the bum knee I have been living with like it was that annoying cousin or brother who comes to visit for the weekend and stays 15 years. Well ok he really only stayed for 3 months but the knee has been FUBAR for 15-20 years since the first time I fucked it up.

Never the less, I will be checking into the hospital tomorrow morning at 11:15am CST to have a strange nurse (I was going to say woman but then I remembered that there was too many male nurses out there who might take offense, hell I think he’ll take offense once he is shaving my knee region), anywho, they will be shaving me and giving me enough drugs to cripple a horse. I know this because when you have used pharmaceuticals to enjoy your daily grind or when you just like they way they tickle, it takes longer for you to go under.

Nurse; count backwards from 100

Regular non self medicating patient; 99, 98, 9zzzzzzzzzzz

My surgery:

Nurse; Count backwards from 100.

Me: …10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…Now what smarty pants? Got anything heavier? No? well, hand me my pants, I’ll get this party started.

Well I’m pretty sure that it won’t be that bad, I will try not to fight the feeling of sleepiness, I will embrace the drifting off and try to think of puppies, ice cream, and the fact that I just landed the $500K deal I have been working on for the last couple of months while cat herding!

So The Dr. has marked the right knee and has given me the go ahead for the surgery and I now have a large commission check to come home to….just in time to pay off some big Christmas debts.

Life is pretty good.

Then again it is always pretty good as long as you still breathe.

WHAT A WEEKEND!!

Yeah the Raiders lost, but I did pay for the whole trip at the casino on Saturday! Well I can’t say I did, WE did, Bouby hit for a 100+ and I walked with 250+ so she has a stack of hundreds to put back in the ING account, and I got some more Xmas money! But here are some pics of what was happening!

The Stadium….


The Jackasses who only wanted to look at the cheerleaders with their binoculars…and blocking the entire middle of the field…as you can see…..




Random pics of the warm ups….



BOOTSIE COLLINS!! He wrote and made a little hip hop ditty for the Bengals and their mascot “WHO DEY” yeah it is weird.

We were surprised at the crowd, both Bouby and I have been at Arrowhead Stadium, where the Chef’s call home and the difference between the two Arrowhead and Paul Brown stadium, is like the difference between watching polo and English soccer.

In Cincy, we had to whisper to each other when we were making fun of the people around us, and in Arrowhead, we would have had to scream to even come close to hearing what each other said. So we promised Mom and S that we would be bringing them to Arrowhead next year, so they could be exposed to real fans…I wanted to take them to Oakland, but for some reason, they don’t really want to have the Black hole fans raping and pillaging them…weird huh?

Anyway we had a blast and can’t wait until next year, there may be an out side chance we can go to the Kentucky Derby with the Mom and “S”…they got the MAD hook up! Plus they both own race horses….which is how I got the BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!

We are in St. Louis and we are getting drunk!!

We Got a double on the plane which turned into a single for Bouby and a triple for me, and then we landed in st.louis and got a couple of doulbles and are getting food so we don't end up like the people on that show "Airline" and not get a chance fly to Louisville KY and that would suck!!

So we are waiting on food and maybe one more double...or two!


I LOVE THE BOOZE!

So here is some russian ART photo!

We are off like a prom dress!

Making like a tree, and leaving

We’re like a baby because we’re heading out!

That’s right we are off to my Mom’s place in Indiana for the weekend, and then the Bengal’s/Raiders game. Bouby is at home doing laundry and packing more clothes then we can wear in a month, Just in case she wants to wear something she may have forgot she doesn’t leave anything behind. She packs up the whole closet and bathroom, and then makes me put stuff in my suitcase for her. I on the other hand pack 4 shirts, two pants, 4 pr, socks and 4 underroos, oh and a little bag full of travel size cologne, deodorant, tooth paste, etc, etc. it all fits into a backpack…well it could if I didn’t have to back ½ of her shit!

Ok I’m lying, she doesn’t do any of that we pack one suitcase together and then take our electronics on the plane and that is it.

But we are off to the land of basketball and some sort of farming, the last time we got to go visit dear old mum, we went to the Kentucky Derby, box seats, had to wear a tie and a funny hat. Still was very fun.

So have a groovy weekend and I’ll have pictures and stories later!

There is a new study out that links schizophrenia and cats.

I'’ll let that sink in.

Schizophrenia and cats.

That crazy cat lady was more than likely normal who had a love for cats and later became bat shit crazy because of a infectious agent called Toxoplasma gondii.

And everyone thought I was being mean when I said cat people were a bunch of crazy assed fucking people, I wasn'’t I was just making an observation based on scientific fact….even though I'’m not a scientist, nor did I have these facts when I was making these claims, I just had a feeling and if that isn'’t enough to curl your hair this morning, how about this? Transition of T.gondii to the fetus of pregnant women is known to produce dire consequences for the developing brain such as mental retardation and retinal problems.

The way humans become infected by this is by inhaling or ingesting the cysts from cat feces from a litter box, garden, sandbox, or children'’s play area. Or drinking contaminated water or by eating uncooked meat that has been infected In the US 10-25% of people are infected. That could be as high as 1 in 4.

Line 12 people up and 3 of them are going to be infected and possibly develop schizophrenia.

Just in case you are wondering where I got this astute information, it is in the latest Forbes magazine and written by E. Fuller Torrey M.D

Happy Hump Day.