SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT

People have started asking me all the time “How is married life treating you?”. And I know I have asked that question before so some of this will be directed at myself.

Helpful hint #1.

When a friend or colleague gets hitched, it is only appropriate to ask that question if you want to blow them.

I know that seems a bit much but let me explain. Most people getting married nowadays have the luxury of knowing their spouse for a long time, or at least knowing of them for a long time. No one is being forced into an arranged marriage, nor is anyone marrying because they knocked up the girl next door late one night in the back seat of daddy's Nash Rambler. Those days are long past and for the most part good riddance. So if you are one of the people who continues to ask this question to friends and family you need to stop it...unless you are fishing for an opening because you secretly want to blow them, like so;

“So how's married life treating you”

“Well I'm glad you asked, since I got married to that bitch who I thought was my soul mate, who turned out to be a soul sucking life killer...not so good...if only there was someone willing to love me for who I am and not who they think they want me to be, and naturally to blow me in public. I guess I'll just have to learn to love her”

“*YIPPEE, an opening*, Well you don't have to settle for a soul sucking life killing bitch , I love you for you, gimme your junk I wanna taste it”

“You want to blow me in public? Well sure, 'ZIPPP' there ya go”
“Om nom nom nom “

So you see dear readers, unless that is the angle you're shooting for that question is old fashioned and moot. As a personal example Bouby and I lived in sin for 5 years before we got married. Trust me, there was no wedding night surprises, she didn't suddenly change into a succubus, she is the she crazy broad I fell in love with, she knew well in advance that I smell bad and hate yard work, not to mention my heavy “lotion use” in front of a computer. So if you wanna know how my life has changed, it hasn't, and married or single and shacking up, once you figure out that her peccadilloes, and quirks are the good parts, and you can deal with that...settle in for a long ride.

And stop bothering newlyweds with inane questions, fuck ask me about the Royals chances at winning the World Series, you'll get the same answer...Fuck, Same Shit Different Day.

How evil are you?

Ok the last post was put up because the younger brother thought that mom was aware of the blog, and That I could have ruined the surprise....and apparently I didn't explain that to the Wife unit....not that I think Mom really reads blog, but better safe then sorry, so I fibbed!

We got here yesterday around 2pm and when I rang the doorbell she just about shit! it was a great birthday surprise...but Now I have to go back to work because the older brother made a small project into a HUGE project and we will be working most of the vacation.

What can I say, he is our Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

I'm at a clients and I am stealing their interwebs! well here is an update on the trip to she the Mom unit.

NO GO!

Tickets were unattainable and since 17 mpg doesn't work at 4 bucks a gallon, she'll be getting a phone call from her middle son. I don't know what the other two are up too, but hey at least we call her!

So Sonic Firewall sucks and I am not so happy that the new way to do business has been cut off for me. I mean isn't there supposed to be some big Web 2.0 business push? You would think that someone would tell our 70 something CEOLD that. I just hope that when I tell him that me and Keri Oke are working together he MAY pull his snow covered head out of his ass and realize that the TELEPHONE, is almost as antiquated as the direct mail campaign.

IM's, Blogs, and untethered access to the world Wide Web of information highway is THE way people are doing business nowadays...But if not, well I guess that I'll be getting more business cards to hand out as I walk the streets of KC in search of clients who don't know what they want or need.

OLD PEOPLE RULE!

Ok so we all know work blows and I am still defending my job on a daily basis because when I am not doing someone else's gig I must just be fucking off.

ANY FUCKING WAY, you may remember last year when we stole my Pops and went to Vegas, So we decided to do a similar dealio with Moms!

So with little to no planning the three Boys are (maybe depending on what HR says) heading to Louisville KY to surprise the ol girl for her B-day this Saturday.

1) I can't really afford it
2) My brothers can be a headache
3) Mom was just at the Wedding
4) Doesn't matter the surprise will be PRICELESS


So grab the deity of choice and wish upon a star that I get Friday off and we can fly into Kentucky unseen and unknown until the younger one gets there in his Prius Wee-nee mobile.

This is ALSO very funny!

A 13 year old from Texas who stole his Dad's credit card and ordered two hookers from an escort agency, has today been convicted of fraud and given a three year community order.

Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father's existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing "Halo" on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel.

The credit card company involved said it was regular practice to send extra credit cards out as long as all security questions are answered.

The escort girls who were released without charge, told the arresting officers something was up when the kids said they would rather play Xbox than get down to business.

Police said they were alerted to the motel by a concerned delivery clerk, whom after delivering supplies of Dr Pepper, Fritos and Oreos had been asked by the kids where they could score some chicks and were willing to pay. They explained they had just made a big score at a "World of Warcraft" tournament and wanted to get some relaxation. On noting the boys age the delivery clerk informed the authorities.

When police arrived at the motel they found $3,000 in cash, numerous electronic gadgets, an Xbox video console with numerous games, and the two local escort girls.

Ralph had reportedly told police that his father wouldn't mind, as it was his birthday last week and he had forgot to get him a present. The father, a lawyer said he had been too busy, but would take him on a surprise trip to Disneyland instead.

Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a "World of Warcraft" tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them.

The $1,000 a night girls sensing something up played "Halo" on the Xbox with the kids, instead of selling their sexual services.

Ralph's ambition is to one day become a politician.

JESUS CHRIST another Bill Clinton in the making!

Thanks to all who donated to the tornado cause! I love you and will buy you drinks!

Now a serious warning;

A “heads up” for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe’s.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also December 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and I am concerned about next Thursday.

So be careful.

I have spent more time in the sam's club in the last two days then I have in my entire life! For those of you not in the know, the two community organizations I belong too Greater Northland Jaycees and the Independent Order of Odd Fellows will be hosting a donation drop off from 11:30-When the last car shows up..I'm guessing 9 or 10pm at the Oliver P. Gentry Lodge #877 located at 7027 N. Locust Gladstone Missouri.

The items we need are water Gatorade non-perishable food items(chips canned goods nutritional bars etc.) coolers diapers baby formula gloves tarps cleanup kits shovels rakes household cleaners trash bags first-aid kits safety glasses ear plugs personal care items (shampoo soap tooth brushes tooth paste etc.) chainsaws chains chain saw bar oil wheel barrow generators plastic storage containers and large plastic zip lock bags.

Hope to see you all there!

I will also pass on any donation made to my paypal account if you want to do it that way! Just Email me from my profile page and I'll get you the proper info!

BTW...Loren Halifax just emailed me! And we all know how HOTT she is! RAAWWRR!

Ok I know I have been threatening to do this for sometime, and this morning I have had enough.

If you drive a 4X4 red Chevy Pick Up Missouri license plate # 702 NWO.

YOU'RE A GIANT COCKSUCKING DOORKNOB.

I hope the next time you pass a semi on the left SHOULDER, I hope he puts you into the rail and the bumper of your truck goes through the cab and castrates you so your DUMB seed will not be passed on, further polluting the gene pool.

I wish we would go ahead and implode as a country so I can take over and make driving infractions punishable by death.

Another thing I am hoping for, when the America as we know it implodes and becomes the next Babylon, or Mayan empire, is the slave trade!

And I'm not talking about the slave trade what brought my darker brothers from the unknown continent, I'm talking about the slave trade as it should be. Round up all of the douchbags that suck the life out of living. People like Nichole Ritchie, and Paris Hilton. People who have ZERO purpose on my planet. Even the dirtiest of rednecks whom most of "polite" society, looks down their nose at, has more chance of becoming productive in our society. Everyone looks down on thses fellers until their fucking car breaks down!

But when I get to be Illustrious Potentate of the Middle Earth section of New America, I will make those people dig ditches, work as concubines for the guys who like skinny whores, and then they would be joined by people who can't drive, lawyers, and politicians...we don't fucking need them. and if we don't fucking need them then they need to find a different job, and if they can't well I have one for them.

So to recap;

1) Deqath to people who continue to fuck up my morning drive.
2) Slave trade is good if you base it on contribution to society and not skin color.
3) Vote Nightmare for Illustrious Potentate of The Middle Earth Section of New America.

That is all, Enjoy your Monday.

Saw this and giggled, even though it is wrong!

You know where I'm going with this, it is not a new bitch but apparently none of you have helped spread the word sufficiently so we will start from the beginning.

IT IS FUCKING RAIN! nothing more nothing less! If you have trouble seeing through the moisture, I suggest you do one of three things, buy some fucking Rain X it works like a team of Mexican roofers! And it cost a lot less! 2) Stay the fuck out of the left hand lane! I don't know who the cocksucking doorknob was driving the train support vehicle, but I swear to the Gods that if I see you change lanes for no fucking reason again I am gonna see EXACTLY how far up your ass a 99 Ford Explorer will fit. (Side note; OLD People, you fuck up the commute on clear days, when it is raining, you CAUSE accidents! STAY THE FUCK HOME! I will kill you and feed you to your own cats) 3) Stay at home. Call in late, be courteous and don't go out in the rain. Do you know who goes to work at 6am? Construction workers, Highway guys, and psychos like me!

So pick one, because I am having a giant snow plow blade attached to the front of my truck, so I can just hire out as "Moron Removal Service".


So, I once again missed the festivities last night, but this time I had a pretty good excuse, I think my lunch place tried to kill me. Ok it wasn't really their fault, the food is so good, I tend to eat enough for a family of 8 circus clowns. However, I did get that watery mouth thing and the sweaty chills like it was food poisoning, however, the cast iron gut beast awoke and quelled the cheeseburger uprising of 2008, so I'm good. It did mean however that I was incapacitated from about 2:30-8 pm...sorry guys but I would not have been able to beverages, and letting you see me weeping in the corner like a Queer with a sore throat on Valentines day. (I asked my brother and yes that is a sad time!)

So here are some 3 funny pictures, and a serious one.

Yesterday I was feeling , how shall I say this? ...a little bloated...and I had a little bit of acid churning my gut, so I took 1/2 a dose of MOM. Now if you aren't familiar with the MOM, it is liquid chalk infused with a laxative. Who ever came up with this torture cocktail need to be beaten to death with their own appendages. I wake up this morning with a slight hangover and cramps like food poisoning.

I bolt to the toilet...or as the older set calls ..the commode...and seat myself with authority that only comes with the urgency that you are seconds away from blowing mud all over the fine porcelain exterior of said toilet.

Seated and partially confused, I mean I was hungover, it was then that the rumblings in my gut turned from thunder, to micro burst and I swear my ass lifted just a smidgen with the sweet release of whatever Satan induced toxic ass fluid shot out of my body.

My pants fit better now.

On a side note if you haven't tried the Alka-Seltzer Hangover tabs...that are the fucking BOMB! full on bunker buster! LOVE THEM! It is aspirin, and caffeine in a tasty fizzy tablet! It is so awesome it could have been made by The D

*SEGUE*

So with the entire work IT system killing itself last month, the PTB have decided that NO outside computers will be allowed on the domain, and if you want your personal computer on the domain it needs to be completely purged and only certain "special" programs will be installed on the system.

Basically I'm completely fucked.

Let me tell you a short tale....

When I first started computing back in 1993, I was against all things Bill Gates. I thought it was funny that all computers came with Outlook and Explorer....neither program is cool, or do they work as well as the other 12 million email and interweb browsers, I was a Netscape guy, and later Firefox and Thunderbird...both amazing programs that really take you to the next level of control...and without that pesky Bill Gates peeking in on your registration cards checking to see whether or not you're his minion.

So naturally I was confused when I was told that EVERYONE will be using Outlook....I don't know Outlook, I have never used Outlook, I fucking HATE...nay LOATHE Outlook.so now I am forced to be Bill's Minion and guess what? it won't import my fucking address files I have on my desk top....so All of my 6 years worth of email addys... worthless on my new work station.

So I'm gonna put ground glass in the guacamole.

This last weekend I played host to my new Brother in law and we went turkey hunting. BIL, had never been turkey hunting, as he generally sticks to much larger animals like Elk and Moose and I believe some sort of mastodon that has been undiscovered by man living in the Billings Montana area.

But he really wanted to go , and whereas I am not one of those guys on the magic box with the movin' pictures, I do ok for myself usually. But this weekend was different. Al fucking Gore and his goddamed global warming, has got the hens all fucked up and they haven't started laying yet, which means there hasn't been much Turkey Procreating....when there is no procreating, and the hens aren't willing to give up the little gobble cooter, well that frustrates the hell out of Tom Turkey and they will not be lead astray by any kind of false chatter.

Basically no matter what I did, they wouldn't come close enough to us so we could humanely stop them from flying into the pathways of moving vehicles causing 100,000's dollars of vehicular damage every year. (I added that last part so the anti-hunting protesters will hold their tongue a wee bit longer) So naturally when my outdoor skills don't match up with what Mother Nature ios throwing at us, I do what everyone should do, I bring in an expert!

I called my cousin B and he said he had a little time on Saturday afternoon to take us out for a few hours and see if he could remedy the situation...he did however agree with my summation and prognosis of the whys and where to for's that the turkeys were being total buttheads.

So Saturday Afternoon we head over to Clyde KS, the closest town the birth place of my people here in the States, and we hook up with B. We first drove around hells creation looking for the elusive birds and whereas we saw some alas they were not on our property, and I know I have been one to bend the rules of hunting on occasion, I will not hunt someone else's land. PERIOD.

So when we finally spot a set of four birds we rush out, set up the decoys and start calling. Again after an hour we got nothing but a few glimpses of our quarry. So we decided to walk all over hell's creation to see if we can spot them. After about a good 3/4 of a mile through a freshly planted field, we reach the tree line and sit down on a felled Osage Orange tree and contemplated why the stupid birds weren't talking to us. While we contemplated B starts calling ...after a good 5 mins of our chatter and B's calling, I see just to my left a red head poke up above the prairie grass . I was so stunned that he would be within 15 feet , of three guys talking and calling that all I could do was swear as I fumbled with the safety of my shotgun and watch him run off into the trees never to be seen again.

So with that opportunity shot we decided to do some more scouting and driving. It didn't take long for us to find our next set. So we drive ahead of them, cross the creek, (we all ended up with one wet foot.) and got the decoys set up. Now this is where it got fun.

We sat and called those turkeys for about 10 mins when we saw the Hen. She had walked out of nowhere and when she did we new we were hosed. The Toms were going to see her first and lose interest in the decoys. So as soon as we spotted the toms coming through the tree line 350 yards away from us we were not surprised when they stayed right there. However we didn't give it up, there are way too many birds out there for that. So B kept calling, and we kept sitting still. I looked like one of the living statues at the Bellagio in Vegas, only I was covered head to toe in Camo.

About an hour and a half into it watching those two stupid birds, BIL saw a lone tom coming ion from the opposite direction and alerted B to his presence. Well, now we had a hunt. three birds and two decoys, hopefully something was gonna give. We kept watching the toms, one to the South, and two to the North as B kept calling. We lost the Southern bird for about 20 minutes and we thought he was gone for good, but apparently he was sizing up the competition, because he pooped into a clearing about 200 yards to the south of us, and when he did this the two other birds saw him and started heading our way.

JACKPOT!

We just knew that we were all gonna tag out and be home for supper. B started calling with a new found passion and BIL and myself raised our guns into position. As the southern bird got closer, the two Northern birds kept coming. They were now all with in about 80 yards of the decoys.

That is when the TV moment happened.

The Southern bird had finished his sizing up of the decoy as well as his distance from the other two birds and he stopped for a brief second, freezing the two northern birds and then he made his move. At a dead run he charged the decoy. Now I have seen this on TV but never at the farm and never when I was present to witness it. But this Tom ran up to that decoy, stopped in it's tracks about two dfeet from the decoy, gobbled at it, fanned it's feathers, puffed up to twice it's size and then JUMPED UP AND KICKED the decoy catching it with the spurs on his feet.

That completely knocked the male decoy off it's pedestal and this new bird was the Boss. The other two birds were frozen in place 80 yards away from us. And as they say "To the Victor go the spoils", Tom walked around his newly won bride/fuck buddy/ babies momma, whatever the proper terminology is for fowl humping, and was bobbing his head and fanning his tail feathers and when she wasn't responding, he took a closer look and realized he just whipped a plastic boy, and his prize was a rubber fuck doll. Now like most men in this situation, he is confused, slightly nervous, but not sure if he should go ahead and try to fuck it.

And like most men this was his downfall, if you confuse us first ladies, it is a lot easier to kill us...and that is when BIL took the shot and dropped him in his tracks....here is the funny part, the gunshot caused the other two toms to gobble like they were asking where Bob went, and could they please join him. ..but they decided that Bob must have got shot in the face and that Dick Cheney must be near, so they turned tail and ran.

So BIL got his prize, I saw some amazing shit, and overall it was an amazing weekend for hunting. I even got a hell of a sunburn helping the Uncle work cows and calves yesterday (ONE OF MY MOST FAVORITE ACTIVITIES!) so over all a almost perfect weekend.

Here is a youtube of a similar decoy attack...be warned there is a harvest in this video, so if you don't want to see that part, make sure that as soon as the turkey knocks the decoy over, you hit the pause!




Hope your weekend was just as much fun!

Last night was a hoot. It started out with me and Bouby in a mobile home community for a board meeting of the JAYCEES, when the sirens went off up north...well these, it seems were just the first of many warnings that we would get over the course of the next 8 hours.

But what it boils down too, is we are all safe and sound and there is no damage to the Nightmare stable.

Which we can't say the same to our Gladstone neighbors on N. Euclid and 77...that is a mess, as well is the missing house on, what was it Skiles? I don't know here is the Story

So we are alive, safe and virtually damage free.

So I am off this weekend to do some turkey hunting...Gobble Gobble.

These Fucking things crack me up!

I downloaded a book from the interwebs a while back and I hadn’t read any of it because …well basically I forgot I downloaded it. The book is written by a one David Icke, and the title is “The Biggest Secret”. When I downloaded this book it was under the heading “Illuminati”, so naturally I thought I was getting the secret of the universe….you know space travel, clairvoyance, peace of mind, and well the ability to see through all women’s clothes…because that IS the most important thing in the universe…female nudity…So imagine my shock when I start reading this book this morning because my interwebs were tangled, and apparently there was some sort of accident on the information highway, this cat is stone cold fucking lock him up and throw away the key, 12 monkeys, screaming about his chair, nuckin futs, psycho! Holy diver if this isn’t the craziest 513 pages (complete with a picture section), manifesto I don’t what is. All he is missing is a ranch in Texas, and 400 kids and he has the making of his own compound.

The table of contents is enough to intrigue you into delving into this madman’s mind. With chapters like “The Martians have Landed”, “Don’t mention the Reptiles”, ands “The SUNS of God” (yes spelled like the gaseous planet we get heat and light from), all the way to page 302 to the chapter entitled “Satan’s Children”. Naturally this is where I went first because, hey who doesn’t want to read about Satan’s kid, I was hoping to get some insight into that horrible Adam Sandler movie “Little Nicky”, Instead what I got was this;
“…This is why the Satanists invert the pentagram and why they use black to symbolize the darkness, hence their Black Mass. But they also reverse the symbolism of white and that is a powerfully negative color to them. The Satanic networks, under the names of their various deities, were created by the Babylonian Brotherhood to serve their needs. We have seen that the accounts of the Watchers and their offspring, the Nefilim, include references to their blood drinking activities. The Brotherhood know that blood contains the life-force energy. Drinking menstrual blood has always been a feature of the reptilian bloodlines because they need blood to live in this dimension. It was known as the Star Fire, the female lunar essence. The female menstrual cycle is governed by the cycles of the Moon and the blood contains that energy. It’s ingredients are supposed to ensure a long life. In India it was called soma and in Greece it was ambrosia, some researchers suggest. This was said to be the nectar of the gods and it was - the reptilian gods who are genetic blood drinkers. The ‘holy grail’ chalice or cup is also symbolic of the womb and drinking menstrual blood, as well as being a symbol of the reptilian ‘royal’ bloodline itself. Menstrual blood was provided for the Elite of the reptilian ‘royal’ line by virgin priestesses and this is the origin of the term ‘Scarlet Woman’ or, to the Greeks, ‘Sacred Woman’. The Greek word for this, Hierodulai, was eventually translated into English as harlot and into German as ‘hores’, the origin of whore….”

WHAT. THE. FUCK, OVER?
Anyone looking at the Christian and Catholic religions differently now? Blood of Christ and Body of Christ takes on a whole new meaning if you want to believe Psycho McNuttyfuck.

I think this is one of those train wrecks that I will need to read from the beginning, I have to figure out what this cat is going on about, he is crazier then Ted Kazinsky’s pet coon.