Monday, May 05, 2008


I am pilgram!

This last weekend I played host to my new Brother in law and we went turkey hunting. BIL, had never been turkey hunting, as he generally sticks to much larger animals like Elk and Moose and I believe some sort of mastodon that has been undiscovered by man living in the Billings Montana area.

But he really wanted to go , and whereas I am not one of those guys on the magic box with the movin' pictures, I do ok for myself usually. But this weekend was different. Al fucking Gore and his goddamed global warming, has got the hens all fucked up and they haven't started laying yet, which means there hasn't been much Turkey Procreating....when there is no procreating, and the hens aren't willing to give up the little gobble cooter, well that frustrates the hell out of Tom Turkey and they will not be lead astray by any kind of false chatter.

Basically no matter what I did, they wouldn't come close enough to us so we could humanely stop them from flying into the pathways of moving vehicles causing 100,000's dollars of vehicular damage every year. (I added that last part so the anti-hunting protesters will hold their tongue a wee bit longer) So naturally when my outdoor skills don't match up with what Mother Nature ios throwing at us, I do what everyone should do, I bring in an expert!

I called my cousin B and he said he had a little time on Saturday afternoon to take us out for a few hours and see if he could remedy the situation...he did however agree with my summation and prognosis of the whys and where to for's that the turkeys were being total buttheads.

So Saturday Afternoon we head over to Clyde KS, the closest town the birth place of my people here in the States, and we hook up with B. We first drove around hells creation looking for the elusive birds and whereas we saw some alas they were not on our property, and I know I have been one to bend the rules of hunting on occasion, I will not hunt someone else's land. PERIOD.

So when we finally spot a set of four birds we rush out, set up the decoys and start calling. Again after an hour we got nothing but a few glimpses of our quarry. So we decided to walk all over hell's creation to see if we can spot them. After about a good 3/4 of a mile through a freshly planted field, we reach the tree line and sit down on a felled Osage Orange tree and contemplated why the stupid birds weren't talking to us. While we contemplated B starts calling ...after a good 5 mins of our chatter and B's calling, I see just to my left a red head poke up above the prairie grass . I was so stunned that he would be within 15 feet , of three guys talking and calling that all I could do was swear as I fumbled with the safety of my shotgun and watch him run off into the trees never to be seen again.

So with that opportunity shot we decided to do some more scouting and driving. It didn't take long for us to find our next set. So we drive ahead of them, cross the creek, (we all ended up with one wet foot.) and got the decoys set up. Now this is where it got fun.

We sat and called those turkeys for about 10 mins when we saw the Hen. She had walked out of nowhere and when she did we new we were hosed. The Toms were going to see her first and lose interest in the decoys. So as soon as we spotted the toms coming through the tree line 350 yards away from us we were not surprised when they stayed right there. However we didn't give it up, there are way too many birds out there for that. So B kept calling, and we kept sitting still. I looked like one of the living statues at the Bellagio in Vegas, only I was covered head to toe in Camo.

About an hour and a half into it watching those two stupid birds, BIL saw a lone tom coming ion from the opposite direction and alerted B to his presence. Well, now we had a hunt. three birds and two decoys, hopefully something was gonna give. We kept watching the toms, one to the South, and two to the North as B kept calling. We lost the Southern bird for about 20 minutes and we thought he was gone for good, but apparently he was sizing up the competition, because he pooped into a clearing about 200 yards to the south of us, and when he did this the two other birds saw him and started heading our way.


We just knew that we were all gonna tag out and be home for supper. B started calling with a new found passion and BIL and myself raised our guns into position. As the southern bird got closer, the two Northern birds kept coming. They were now all with in about 80 yards of the decoys.

That is when the TV moment happened.

The Southern bird had finished his sizing up of the decoy as well as his distance from the other two birds and he stopped for a brief second, freezing the two northern birds and then he made his move. At a dead run he charged the decoy. Now I have seen this on TV but never at the farm and never when I was present to witness it. But this Tom ran up to that decoy, stopped in it's tracks about two dfeet from the decoy, gobbled at it, fanned it's feathers, puffed up to twice it's size and then JUMPED UP AND KICKED the decoy catching it with the spurs on his feet.

That completely knocked the male decoy off it's pedestal and this new bird was the Boss. The other two birds were frozen in place 80 yards away from us. And as they say "To the Victor go the spoils", Tom walked around his newly won bride/fuck buddy/ babies momma, whatever the proper terminology is for fowl humping, and was bobbing his head and fanning his tail feathers and when she wasn't responding, he took a closer look and realized he just whipped a plastic boy, and his prize was a rubber fuck doll. Now like most men in this situation, he is confused, slightly nervous, but not sure if he should go ahead and try to fuck it.

And like most men this was his downfall, if you confuse us first ladies, it is a lot easier to kill us...and that is when BIL took the shot and dropped him in his is the funny part, the gunshot caused the other two toms to gobble like they were asking where Bob went, and could they please join him. ..but they decided that Bob must have got shot in the face and that Dick Cheney must be near, so they turned tail and ran.

So BIL got his prize, I saw some amazing shit, and overall it was an amazing weekend for hunting. I even got a hell of a sunburn helping the Uncle work cows and calves yesterday (ONE OF MY MOST FAVORITE ACTIVITIES!) so over all a almost perfect weekend.

Here is a youtube of a similar decoy warned there is a harvest in this video, so if you don't want to see that part, make sure that as soon as the turkey knocks the decoy over, you hit the pause!

Hope your weekend was just as much fun!

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