SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT

I swear a lot.

I won't sugar coat it it I don't have too, When I was in radio I had to, when I was a teacher(in college LEARNING to be a teacher) I had to, when I'm with my Mom I tend to hold it back a bit.

But I swear a lot. I was always told that a man swears when he doesn't have the education or vocabulary to use better words.

I fly solely in the opposite direction. I think there is always the occasion to use a well placed "fuck" or "shit" , or "Cocksucking Doorknob". I feel that swearing is an art form and a very successful way of getting your point across. Much like in the days of Shakespeare, where biting your thumb was a unbelievable insult, and considered rude, it has gone by the wayside and has been replaced by fuck you's and your momma jokes.

Here is a list of historical times when swearing would have been more then appropriate.

Top 10 times in History when the use of the “FUCK” was appropriate

1. “Scattered Fucking showers, my ass!” - Noah, 4314 BC
2. “How the fuck did you work that out?” - Pythagoras, 126 BC
3. “You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?” - Michelangelo, 1566
4. “Where did all those fucking Indians come from?” - Custer,1877
5. “It does so fucking look like her!” - Picasso,1926
6. “Where the fuck are we?” - Amelia Earhart, 1937
7. “Any fucking idiot could understand that.” - Einstein, 1938
8. “What the fuck was that?” - Mayor Of Hiroshima,1945
9. “I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head!” - JFK,1963
10. “Aw c’mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?” - Bill Clinton


So tomorrow, or tonight, go ahead and get out and about and throw some swears at people, let me know if you find one of them biting their thumb at you, or doing that arm over the elbow arm thrust that used to be so prevalent with the Italian peoples.

This is my 501st post here! I also had around 300 at Diaryland, pre-blogspot. So in honor of busting my 500th cherry, I am going to post a bunch of crazy pics, porn, and some jokes....

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from
across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go
in and meet with President Barack Obama.'

The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't
reside here.'

The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away. The following day, the
same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I
would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama'.

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama
is not President and doesn't reside here.' The man thanked him and again
walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with
President Barack Obama'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking
to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr.
Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you
understand?'

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing
your answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.

Apparently that is the business stench of burning bridges.

We have a certain vendor who has pulled our ass out of many fires and has a tendency to work within our ridiculous time lines, and when he tells us that it will take him 16 weeks to do a job and our illustrious leaders decide that "oh I'm sure that he can do it in 4 WEEKS!" then he should comply with no problems.

Sometimes when someone tells you that is the time it takes to make something...that is under THEIR ridiculous time lines and they really mean it, that MAYBE we should fucking listen and not try and fit a square peg into a NON-EXISTENT hole.

Here is the funny part. EVERY single company that we have talked to from the biggest to the very tiniest fabrication shop, and they all say 16 weeks at the BARE minimum.


That bridge that you smell burning is the reply from some of the top brass here that said "Well I guess we won't do business with Rockstar vendor any more if they can't do the job for us"

You mean the one where you didn't fucking listen to them in fucking April when they said 16 weeks? the same people who work overtime to make us shit that we then sit on for two weeks because we REALLY didn't need that part yet? The same company that bends over backwards for us no matter how many checks seem to sllllloooowwwwwlly make their way to the cash register? THOSE guys? yeah nice fucking business ethics.

This said by the same guys who asked me where I learned to rip people off when I didn't understand, nor was I privy to a situation early this year where we had received the money that I was wonder where it was and they assumed I was just trying to double bill the client....again nice job there.

So we are between a cock and hard place here. one way or another someone is about to be fucked and I really hope it starts upstairs. This way by the time it hits the REALLY important people that cock is flaccid and it will be like pushing rope.

On a completely different story, I have reverted back to the year 1992 Chico State era haircut Yes that is my head, and yes I'm digging on the retro flat top!

PS. the red eyes courtesy of Kelso's Happy Hour and Boulevard Wheat. And NO that is not a band aid, that is a breathe right strip and I am wearing one because apparently I was doing it wrong and needed some adjustment.

VIVA LE REVOLUTION

There is a shitstorm of COLOSSAL size happening at my day job today! OH MY! this huge gig we are working on may come to a screeching halt and we are 98% done, all that is left is some details and shipping, and it looks like EVERYONE is ready to step out and leave the place high and dry.

More updates and information warrants them.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these
parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.


'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to
spend eternity.'


'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.


'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the people.


They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.


Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..



The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.


'Now it's time to visit heaven.'


So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.


'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity.'


The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have
said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in hell.'


So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.


Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.


He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above...


The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't
understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......



'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.

Ok it is Friday and since I was told that all of my dwelling on bad and evil was causing me to bring more bad and evil unto me and mine, I would like to apologize to anyone who has felt the wrath of the angry "Secret"...my bad, I'll try and use my powers for good from now on.

So how about this weather? Nice and cool huh? I could really go for this global warming Al keeps talking about if we get these kind of summers and winters. I mean when Pangea was still cooling off, some say the earth rotated on it's axis and what was the north pole became the middle parts, so if this is what is happening, how freaked out are the fucking Eskimos gonna be when Alaska is suddenly 80 degrees all the time and 100+ in the summer?

I bet that is when we see Edgar Cayce's prediction come true! Edgar Cayce, for those of you who don't know was called the sleeping prophet. He predicted that Omaha will become a major national seaport! Which means either we would be under water here or have some KICK ASS oceanside property!

So that is what I have been focusing on lately, I would like to see Omaha become a sea port and the world tilt on edge for the next 10 million years or so.

Just think of the diving! How cool would that be!

Do you remember in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy 5 book trilogy, the short little blurb about the guy who was a traveling salesman and had started documenting the fact that it had rained for 300 and some odd days? And then Douglas took it to the rain's perspective, and the rain drops considered him to be their god and felt he needed watered all the time?

Anyone?

Well I'm starting to feel a little wet.

Got an email from my ex-girlfriend last night, it seems that her brother had some cancerous cells in one of his lymph nodes, and so they went in to take two of them out, and then waited a week, and did another test and apparently the cancer did in fact get into his lymph system and now he has to have the rest of the nodes in his neck removed.

Her sister who was our roommate for a while, is now married and has two kids and the youngest one, the little girl, well she has this deal where she decides that it would be a LOT of fun to run a fever for no reason. Remember "Firestarter"? Well it seems that she has been in the triple digits (101-105) since last Friday, no one knows what the hell is going on.

ON a happier note the little one with the flukey heart is FINALLY growing, she has put on almost a pound since the Nephew got her home last Monday, so we are pretty happy about that!

So all you praying types add some more strangers to your list and send the family's some groovy vibes.

Whatz that?

Me?

Oh I think I'm gonna go fishing and try and commune with Mom Nature. See if I can't get her to hurry up with the mass destruction and get rid of some of these people...I'm guessing when she designed this rock she didn't have 6+billion occupancy load rating....

Let's recap Nightmare's last couple of weeks in detail shall we?

1) Great Neice in Hospital, doing the roller coaster of death ride.
2) Dog is old and falling apart slowly. (Basically has bum elbow and choices are death, drugs, or removal)
3) Water main breaks we spend all weekend boiling water and not bathing.
4) Bites lip 5 times drawing blood each and every time
5) Friend of Bouby's having risky surgery to remove an extra rib. (yeah I know weird huh?)
6) Aunt's Nephew dies in horrible motorcycle wreck, orphans 3 year old
7) I have a stress lump on my right shoulder causing me to smell like Ben-Gay for a week
8) Sliced little finger tip open with a can of corn lid..(that was awesome, right under finger nail, felt SWELL!)
9) Bouby just got a call from a co-worker telling her that a friend of hers died in a car wreck in Oklahoma yesterday... I met her, and her hubby, and their 4 yr old boy. Now the boys are solo.
**EDIT**

I almost forgot one of my roommates from college told me that the Dr.'s found a brain tumor in his dad's skull! So he is going through chemo, radiation treatments, and general malaise...nice huh?

Back to the old post...

I get it. The Christians tell me that god doesn't hand you more then you can handle, and what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

Well I say FUCK THAT1 get the fuck off my back, leave my circle alone! I feel like Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fa;ll, ever see that? Anyone who hung out with Brad's character fucking DIED! I don't need any more testing.

So who ever is heaping this shit on me knock it the fuck off I'm too old and too bitter to fucking deal with much more.

On a lighter note I got a line on a new pistol. Compact .357 shaved hammer, trigger job, 5 shot snub nosed just perfect for conceal and carry!

Next fucking problem I have come at me...be warned I am armed.

So Since I have nothing, here is a picture I took of my rubber band ball at my desk. If you would like a copy of this print I will sell you a 8x10 for 10 bucks.

My Aunt called me last night, (Different family tree then the little one, who could be going home today!YAY) but back to the current tale of woe. My Aunt called me last night and one of her nephews, and for those of you scratching their head and wondering "But Nightmare, if she's your Aunt, and she has a Nephew, wouldn't that be your cousin or something?" And NO it is her brothers kid, and her family is only related to mine through the marriage thing.

So as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by SOME PEOPLES internal dialog, My Aunt's nephew was killed while driving his crotch rocket at high speeds.

My aunt thinks he was DOA, but they hooked him to a machine to keep him alive and let the family say good bye. His injuries were compounded by the fact that he was traveling better then 100 mph, hit a patch of gravel, lost control and wrapped his body around a stone fence post.

Injuies included but not limited to;
broken neck, 8 shattered vertebra, every rib broken on one side, an occluded spinal column, bruised heart, and a litany of cuts, abrasions, and basically the worst parts of the drivers ed films.


I knew this kid growing up and we all still know someone exactly like him. He was the happy go lucky life of the party, the kid with the quickest smile that can change your mood from bad to good with a sideways glance. A kid who always, ALWAYS made the wrong decision, you know what friend I am talking about, he/she always has one foot over the line, and no matter how hard they try, it's that foot that gets them in trouble.

Good kids, good people, just not someone you want behind the wheel when it is time to make the Duke's of Hazard creek jump. He struggled his whole life with drugs and alcohol, a part time hustler, he invented the mobile meth lab and made it work for almost 3 years before he was busted, smart kid...well he would have been if he would have applied himself on the side of good instead of evil. But he didn't, he was lured to the dark side, with sex, drugs and rock and roll, and apparently because they have cookies.

I for one am going to miss the little bastard and if he made it to his God's gate, I hope he is judged on joy he brought to other people and not solely on his own actions...otherwise he is gonna burn.

JH, I loved you and I will miss you, I just wish I would have had the chance to give you that beating I promised the first time you got busted with drugs, maybe you would have learned to let people love you and that life was worth playing by the rules.

Well for once I think I'm good to go. I had an uneventful drive in, the little one is in recovery, they closed her up on Monday morning, the dog...well the dog is hanging in there and that's all we can ask for, I have a friend who is preggers in NY and writes about that in the perspective of the baby, which is neat, and the daily pain that is my body seems number this fine morning.

So I guess that leaves politics, religion, capital punishment, abortion, and euthanasia to talk about.

1) Politics- Yeah, until we burn Washington to the ground and start over, expect NO changes. so unless you have a suitcase nuke, your arguments are invalid.
2) Religion- All organized religions are scams invented by the monarchs to rule over the uneducated. You should have a personal belief system, and if you don't know the difference between right and wrong...expect to receive a ticket in the mail for a one way trip off my planet.
3) Capital Punishment- YES PLEASE! If you kill someone, either physically or emotionally I want to kill you right back. I hope that I get chosen to flip the switch on that psycho Rick Davis. He worked with me for over a year, he was in close contact with women that I LOVE, had he snapped at work, there would have been no need for a trial.
4) Abortion-I am a man, who is pro choice, therefore my argument ends here.
5) Euthanasia- Absolutely, if you are in pain, either physically or mentally, I think as long as you do it right and not leave a mess for other people to clean up, then by all means kill yourself. My favorite way, which I thought of as a non messy way to endure the big sleep, BIG HONKING hypodermic needle, 4 foot of surgical tubing, attach needle to tubing, get in bath tub, snake tubing down the drain, insert needle into jugular, lay still.

So there you have 5 of the 8 topics covered by my college ethics course. My friend Lizard was in that class with me and she about shit when I stood up and called the entire class with the exception of me, her, and one other A bunch of Fucking hypocrites. See they thought since they were so religious and on the side of god, that they could have a split system of morals.

"I believe in Life for unborns!" and out of the other side of their mouths "I believe in death for criminals"

It doesn't work like that people, it's life OR death, not situational, you can't be fair that way.

So check yourself before someone wrecks it for you.