SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT

Ok I have been invited to, and have accepted a guest rant spot for a week or so over at The Bastards page. So whilst I do some scarin' and fearin' over that way enjoy some more puppy pics!

Ahh the sweet sound of silence.

The last couple of days…Wednesday through right this second, I have been 3 hours from anything electrically connecting except an old touch tone phone. Yes I went to the country, to my Dad’s house for some hunting, relaxation, extra sleep and to recharge my batteries from the last 90 days of extreme hell.

And you know what a trip to dad’s means…PUPPY PICTURES!!







So very cute!


I am ready to start my sales year finally, in December. What’s that? What have I been doing all year? Well let me see, I put together and ran a trade show exhibit from January-March, Started my post show follow up mailers and gift ideas, and SOMEONE needs my help making buttons for the first run of our Kiosks for the satellite radio people, so I lose 5 weeks making buttons. I then sit down and try to salvage any and all clients from the trade show, and whilst I’m doing this I notice my “pseudo” boss struggling under the weight of his own catastrophe known as the “Craftsman” project, and that started to suck my life away from May-August, and the Pseudo Boss QUITS at one of the most crucial parts of the event, and walks. (He later returns, acts like nothing happened and treats people just as poorly as he did before left me and the rest of the company hanging, and then when we fail to dance to his tune again, guess what?...YES he quits again!..Great piece of work with this guy…) So I get down to business in August trying to start some sort of sales routine before the end of the year, I train a new salesman, and my new Boss/Supervisor, both of whom have already quit, so I lost all of August and part of Sept, doing that little bit of charity, and THEN I get shanghaied into the 12 week hell that leads up to Thanksgiving, and my last four days of vacation.


So as you can see I need to start some sort of sales strategy in the next 30 days just so I can feel good about calling myself the VP of Sales, and not such lofty titles like; Saver of Asses, Cat Herder, Temp Wrangler, Project Manager, Fireman etc.etc.

I also have to write a review of something I have loathed in the last year, week, hour, for the Gasbag Review. Well I haven’t had time to watch anything but football, and all I have read was sales books, and motivational bullshit, so here is a review of the Oakland Raiders Football team for the first 10 weeks;

Oakland Raiders, my team since they were the most feared team in the NFL and earned every penalty they received with extreme prejudice. It was a great time being a kid and a Raiders fan…..the last 10 years?... Not so much.

The Raiders Offense is non-existent. PERIOD. The Quarterback is horrible, the O-line would work better if they all sat on the bench and made the defense count 5 Mississippi, before they rushed, Robert Gallery needs to be moved back to the Right Tackle spot, and who cares if the stupid left handed quarterback, can’t scramble well enough to get the fuck outta the way of some huge D-lineman.

The Raiders Defense - Unbelievable! They are the one shinning spot in an overall worthless season. Warren Sapp is having a Pro Bowl year, the 3 rookies in the defensive back field are doing their jobs like veterans. Like Pro Bowl Veterans.

Special Teams- They suck like a 2 dollar crack whore looking for a nickel rock. Having the best punter in the NFL just means that you have given your punter enough game time practices that he feels comfortable enough to kick it deep. Oh and a 250lb Pollack who can kick the football like Gus the Mule, won’t help you unless you can move the ball ACROSS the 50 yard line.

Coaches….C’Mon Art! You hired a guy to be your offensive coordinator who hasn’t been in the league for 12 years!! FUCKING 12 years!! Do you really believe that he has been creating offensive schemes in his off time so that he would be ready for when he got the call to come back? NO!! he was fishing! The game has changed so much since then that I have trouble keeping up with some of the schemes and I’m a student of the game! BAD choice Arthur.

Cheerleaders…Who cares? They are all just tramps who bother me when I’m trying to concentrate on the game.

Fans… Still the best.

So there you go, my Gasbag review of the first 10 weeks of Raider football. I know it is lame, but hey, I have been too busy to watch some shitsniffer movie or read some insane pile of crap novella.


OH By the way I got a new toy for one of my handguns.....





YES!! Now I can kill with impunity and at range!

I'm kidding about the impunity, I always have punity. But it does make my home defense system look very scary!

My perspective on life has been confused as of late and last night it was abruptly snapped back into place.

I have been going on and on about how crappy my job is and how much bullshit I have had to endure over the last 2.5 months, and how poor temps are dumb, and blah blah blah.

None of this actually matters in the big picture of life. Yes if I didn’t do a good job I might be looking for a new job during the holidays, but really that wouldn’t be the first time I have done that. But last night really made me open my eyes as to how fucking lame my bitching about my life holds no water compared to others.

Every year the volunteer organization that I belong to adopts 2-5 families in need to provide a full blown Thanksgiving meal for them. We don’t do it on a larger scale because frankly we don’t have the man power to do so, and we like to stay local and under the radar.

Last night was the delivery date for the meals. We spent all weekend shopping and organizing baskets and canvas bags full of everything that a family might need to have a great Thanksgiving dinner. We met at another members house and got the food divvied up and picked our families based on vehicle size and location.

My life is SUPERCALA-FRAGA-LISTIC-EXPE-ALADOCIOUS….

I do not suffer from an incurable disease.
I do not have any tumors.
I have never needed an organ transplant.
I have always had a job.
My car runs, even my old truck runs so I can get a job/go to work/pay my bills.

Yeah so all of my bitching where as it seemed justifiable just 24 hours ago, seems pretty petty right now.

We bought a new refrigerator 3 weeks ago. It was a great deal!! We bought it from what we have begin calling “Worst Buy”. Here is the saga of “Customer Service…what not to do”.

We bought the refrigerator on a Sunday, it would be delivered on a Wednesday, the delivery people would call us and set up a time the would be convenient for us to receive it.

We loved it! It is a stainless steel freezer on bottom, 20 cubic foot Samsung fridge, with an ice maker. We bout it because we A) needed a new one, and B) it was a scratch and dent floor model and was marked down a couple of hundred bucks. It is perfect for us.

The trauma starts on Tuesday of the same week, I get a call from the delivery people and Mark tells me that he will be delivering the fridge to my house between 10:00 am and noon, Wednesday.

“Mark, that is impossible for me or my girlfriend, we are at work, and we will not be able to meet you there, we need this to be delivered between the hours of 4 and 6 pm.”

“well that isn’t going to happen sir”

“Why not? The salesperson told us that it wouldn’t be a problem to get this delivered between 4pm and 6pm since we both have jobs that are at least 30 minutes away”

“The salesperson lied, I don’t know why they do that, they know that We can’t accommodate anyone with a schedule”

So following a 10 minute lecture on customer service I called Bouby and told her the story of how Worst Buy has no decent customer service, and asked if she would be able take a ½ day and receive the fridge. Naturally when forced to either get the new fridge or wait an indeterminate amount of time for them to fit into our schedule, she agreed to be there for the delivery.

So we got the fridge and life was groovy.

Right up to and until it wouldn’t make ice.

We called for the service guys to come out and fix the damn thing. Well guess what? They pulled the same shit, they called and said “We’re on the way!” Bouby replied, well too fucking bad because we are both at work you will have to come out on Saturday”

They agreed, and told us they would call us between 7am and 9am to let us know when they will be here. This we can deal with because we didn’t have to work on Saturday, so Ronny the service retard came out and spent 20 min fiddling with the freezer. It needs a part he says, an evaporation motor and he knows that there aren’t any in the warehouse so he will order one and it will be a couple of days for the parts to get here and we’ll be shitting in tall cotton.

So we wait a couple of days and we hear nothing, we wait a couple of more days and there is still no word so we call up the service people and find out that NO PARTS were ordered and we weren’t even on the schedule for the next Saturday repairs. So we get a little pissed and start explaining loudly how drunks need ice for cocktails, and they better get on the ball.

So fast forward to last Thursday 2 ¾ weeks after we bought the fucking thing, and we call to confirm that the service dorks would be calling us and setting up a time. Yes they said, they would be calling us and fixing our fridge.

Saturday morning I get a call on the house phone, which is a bad start since we told them repeatedly to call Bouby’s cell phone since that is a much more reliable way to get a hold of us, and the new service tech is all set to come out and look at our fridge, I ask “Look at it?” You mean bring the part and fix it right?

“Ummm I don’t have any record of any parts being needed”

“WHAT?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? YOU MUTHAFUCKERS HAVE LOST OUR PARTS ORDER”

Bouby hears my rage and anger and bolts out of bed and comes into the front room and takes the phone from me so I won’t stroke out and die from the seething rage that is oozing from my skin like a bad case Ebola. She comes back in and tells me that Liles is calling the other techs and looking for the part we need.

So now we are both wide awake and I’m pissed and we call corporate and start asking the main service people what happened to our parts and according to their computers the service guy had ordered the parts and that they we in the hands of the repairman.

Cool.

We call the service guy back and tell him what we found out.

He tells us that our info is wrong, and that we don’t have parts.

So we call back to Minneapolis and get a different phone whore, and she tells us that yes Miles’ info is correct we have no parts.

Now miles calls back during this chat and tells us that the retarded repairman does have the parts all he needs to do is find him and get the parts and he’ll be right over. We tell him what we find out and he is very confused. So we ask to speak to the service manager and Miles tells us he’ll get a hold of him and have him call us with in 10 mins!!

We are still waiting on that call.

In the mean time Bouby has lost all patience for dealing with these colossal ass pipes and has turned the screaming back over to me. I gladly accept I am still harboring some residual anger from last weeks temp fuck up. So I call the store we bought the thing from and get Eric the “Manager of the entire store at this time” on the phone. Now Eric is helpful, after I scream at him and let him know exactly how fucking pissed I am about his stores lack of comprehensive information sharing and horrible service people, he goes to check on what he can do in the way of getting us a comparable fridge from the warehouse as a complete swap.

NOW we’re getting somewhere.

He calls back and tells us he found one and we need to come look at it so we can approve it in person. I tell him we’ll be there in the hour. When we get to the store I’m so mad that I almost run down a family of four who were just standing there minding their own business…IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WALK WAY!!! (if you are one of these people who just loiter about with no shopping agenda stay fucking home or I will plow you over and make you cry!) SO We get back to the appliances and lo and behold there is the fridge that we looked at before we bought the steaming pile of broken that we now have, it is bigger, better shelves, yet NO ICE MAKER!! Eric has failed. SO we spend 2 fucking hours in Worst buy arguing with them on how they are going to make me happy and we finally settle on a the fridge that he showed us, BUT they will put in an ice maker, and deliver it on Tuesday. An equal swap, no money will change hands. They bring the new one, and take the old one away.

Now during the check out process, Eric explains that since we bought an out of box appliance, and got a $90 gift card, and we are returning that appliance, the gift card is void.

I lose my fucking mind and ask Eric, HOW IN THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE IT EQUAL SWAP?!

“well see here you are getting a bigger more expensive fridge, and there is the $90 dollar difference”

“Show me how that makes it equal, I’m still losing $90 bucks”

So Eric whips out his pencil and starts showing me different numbers and how my losing $90 is an equal swap”

“Well Eric I see what you are trying to explain, so let me explain why that is wrong, See I bought this fridge for this price, and you’re going to give me the new one as an equal swap and then VOID $90.00 worth of future purchases. SO IT IS COSTING ME $90 BUCKS FOR AN EQUAL SWAP??? THAT MEANS IT ISN'T AN EQUAL FUCKING SWAP!!”
I glance around and see that I’m bristling and scaring the regular people and Eric has lost a little color in his face and neck area, so I lean in and whisper “Look just make the fucking old fridge disappear and the new one WITH ice maker installed appear and I will never bother you fine people again.

He fetches a clerk and we begin the paper work, as soon as Eric is out of ear shot the young lady whispers to me to not worry about the card, she is taking care of it and we’ll still have a $90 dollar credit at Worst Buy.

So my new fridge should be here on Tuesday.

And to think that I work with Worst Buy on a daily basis at the vendor level and this is the type of treatment I get, I feel sorry for the regular people they must get ripped off all the time by these Cocksucking Doorknobs.

The end is Nigh!

I have today and tomorrow and I will be done with the cat herding.

Yesterday I was in a shitty mood. None of the crack addled, welfare taking, should have been aborted in the 96 trimester, temps were working as fast as they should and it made me mad. I had to tell them all of the things that I have been telling them for the last 12 weeks and I got to the end of my rope. I didn’t tell them to hurry up, I just watched and ignored them for the most part, but I was seething inside. So when they left at 4:30, because hey 7.5 hours is a full work day for those lazy bastards, I gathered up the “Friends and Family” temps, or people that were sent to us by current full time employees and most of them I wouldn’t mind working with on a fulltime basis and asked them if the temp service people were still needed and I received a resounding NO!!

So I fired them all.

I had the assistant to the COO call the tempo service and cancel the entire contract. There was shock in the woman’s voice, I’m told, buy I’m sure that I will need to tell a bunch of them to go home, because they tend to not answer the phone when she calls in hopes of coming to the job and getting a chance to work anyway, or at least stand there and look stupid for 7.5 hours and get paid for it.

So I will finish with the 6 people I have left and save the company a ton of money.

But my tale doesn’t end there.

After I fired all of the temps I gathered the leftovers and was trying to give them a demonstration of how I wanted to proceed with the next part of the project, and yes I was yelling, and yes it was because they weren’t paying attention to what I was trying to show them and I yelled at this one guy directly and told him to “Fucking stop trying to work ahead and fucking pay attention to the WHOLE demonstration before you start because you HAVE no fucking clue what I am going to do and I don’t want to repeat myself” well he started pouting. And since I obviously was only talking to him, one of the other fucktards starting working ahead, and I had to say “GODDAMNIT!! I said stop fucking around and pay fucking attention to the demonstration and watch what I’m doing unti I’m fucking down!!”

Well apparently Randy, The first retard in the mix, didn’t like to be cussed at because he said “That’s it I’m outta here, I don’t need to be cussed at I’m a grown man, and you can’t talk to me that way”

I replied “fine pack your shit and get the fuck out”

“I’m a grown man and I don’t have to be cussed at, you don’t have to cuss at me.”

“Then act like it! And I do have to cuss to get my point across because you obviously don’t understand unless I do or you wouldn’t have started before I told you to.”

Well I’m going to talk to “P” first (Our HR Lady) .

“If you’re not working you’re loitering and we don’t allow loitering on our campus”

“I’m gonna talk to “P” first”

“Whatever”

[To the group standing there slack jawed and bug eyed] ANYONE ELSE NOT WANT TO FUCKING WORK?

(chirp chirp chirp)

“Fine let me continue”

I finish the demonstration, and not 3 minutes after I get done, one of the “sharper” people in the group starts doing EXACTLY the opposite of what I asked them to do and showed them in painstakingly mind numbing detail.

I fucking SNAP!!

“This is what I’m talking about!! I just asked if everyone understood what I was doing and I fucking showed you how to do it and you still can’t get the shit right!!! What the fuck is the matter with you??”

(chirp chirp chirp)

“Let me show you once again how I fucking what shit done!!”

They got it that time, so now I’m down to 5 people and two days and then a vacation.

The End

Finally.

Fucking waste of air, cocksucking doorknobs.

So I was watching the Monday Night Football Game last night on TV and thank god the Panthers won that pile of shit, because I am still in the running for the $2646.00 in the Elimination Pool, No Good Daddy was in it but he decided to pick New England last week and they lost dismally ….anywho I was watching the game and the NFL played a commercial asking the viewers to come up with a new concept for the “Best Superbowl Commercial Ever” and told us to go to the website nfl.com/superad.

So I did.

I figure “Hey I have a degree in Advertising and I thought most of the ads I have seen have sucked big time, Well except for the ones with Don Cheedle in them, those were cool, but the rest have sucked. So I go to the website and start reading and find out that you have to be at one of three cities, NYC, Denver, and somewhere else to make your pitch and only after signing a waiver.

Well I don’t really want to go to any of these places so I kinda lose interest, but I want to read the waiver anyway. So I open the PDF, and start reading.

It is all pretty standard NFL has the right to your stuff blah blah blah, NFL doesn’t owe you anything if you don’t get picked, blah blah blah, and then I see this para graph and decide that this is not a contest I would ever enter even for money and a free trip to the superbowl…..

“I understand that, as part of the Contest, the public may vote on my Concept after viewing a video of my participation in the Contest over on the Internet or otherwise. This may result in the public disclosure of my appearance, name, likeness, voice, conversation, biographical data and other information about me, including that which is of a personal, private, embarrassing or unfavorable nature, which may expose me to public ridicule, humiliation or condemnation. I acknowledge and agree that the NFL shall have the right to include any or all such information and appearances, depictions or portrayals in connection with the Contest, the exploitation of the Concept and the broadcast of the Program in its sole discretion, throughout the universe in perpetuity, and waive any and all claims based on such use. “

Yeah I have WAYYYY too many skeletons for this to be part of a waiver….just for tickets to the Superbowl to watch two teams that I don’t even like!

So I’ll be happy with being the last of 6 people out of 160+ to be in the elimination pool.

Here is how lucky I am lately.


Last week bought a new refrigerator, $900 + change, it was delivered after a heated discussion about how the sales guy told me that the delivery guys would work with me on delivery times and that was wrong it was their time or no time, got the damn thing delivered, hooked up, ice maker doesn’t work. Call service guy to come take a look, takes two days and more phone calls, and again their schedule, they come out on Saturday. It needs parts that they don’t have on hand. I’m without ice for a couple of days.

That has been going on 2 weeks now since purchase and still no ice.


On Saturday I bought a new (to me) car, a 1999 Ford Explorer $2000, as I was trying to drive away, they guy tells me “Oh by the way I have had a lot of trouble keeping it running, it won’t idle”

I had already gave him the check, he is a friend of my brothers, I let it slide. I can’t drive my new car because it won’t stay started, spent all day today messing around with different parts and buying a bunch of shit to try and make this works all the while waiting on Bouby’s redneck friend to come home from hunting and tell me what EXACTLY is wrong with the damn thing and he doesn’t call until the parts store is closed, and yes he did know exactly what is wrong and it is a 10 minute fix, and an $80 dollar part.

I have been shanghaied into two more weeks of cat herding and I hate them all. I have never met a lazier group of people in my life! Temps, well at least the ones I get, are retarded, (No one knew who Winston Churchill was), and they all wan tto talk and sit around and expect me to pay them for doing it. I am seriously considering joining their work force, just so I can stop worrying about doing a quality job, or caring what I do for a living, just as long as I can get my welfare check and some spending crack money I’ll be set for a long time.

Fucking metric ass load of dumb.

Well FUCK ME RUNNING WITH TRACK SHOES!!
It is now 9:00pm Sunday night and we just got back from the parts store...

That little feller that Bouby knows told us we could clean the Idle Air Control Valve, and it would more than likely solve all of our problems…guess what? IT DID!!

Nighty has a new ride!!

And it is pretty cool to me!

I’m Smiling!

Check out this email I received in my inbox today...complete with pictures.

Dear Friend,

Thanks for your mail and for accepting my offer. I apologize for my late reply, it's due to my duty here. Since your last email to me on the month of JUNE, I couldn't reply back because my troops were camping at the road to the jordanian border, that makes it difficult for me to check my mail.

I have finally secure the money as being aggred and have every proof of this transaction only what I need is your assistance in smuggling this money out of Iraq. I am ready now to transfer the money to you. I want you to send your BANK details and YOUR PERSONAL CONTACT PHONE NUMBER to enable me start transferring the money into your BANK ACCOUNT as i cannot leave IRAQ because of the nature of my work.

I will transfer it with the Bank of Baghdad, Iraq. They do International Transfer. I will not send it at once, I will transfer $500,000 each transfer. I will inform you on what to do when i finally transfer the money into your BANK ACCOUNT.

I am giving you all the trust and I believe that with the help of God, we will sucessfully transfer this money out of Iraq. I hope that one day we will meet each other face to face to start a long lasting relationship.

Please do not disclose this deal to anybody as to protect my duty with the US Marine. I attached my picture and the picture of the Money which for your confirmation as you requested.It wasn't easy for me to do that but I had to because you requested for it and to make assurance double sure.

Remember, your share still remains the same 30% out of the total amount of the money. The total amount of the money is $12.8million Dollars.

I will be waiting to hear from you as soon as possible to proceed it the transfer.Please, Do not reply to this email, reply me to my private email address drcharles235@myway.com for security reasons.

Thanks.
CAPTAIN DUKER COLEMAN

Now I know that I'm not supposed to tell anyone because this is a Marine and all but I mean really does anyone think that Capt. Coleman, really exsists or that I even tried to make this connection? I don't remember that!!??? I think I would remember sending an email that asks some strange marine to send me a couple of million bucks out of Saddam's stash....I mean I know I would remember at least the address that I sent it to.

My week is going to be hellish., back to 12 hour days and with an almost full compliment of temp workers. And we all know how fun Temos can be when they work longer hours as well as getting low pay. But I think I found a reliable car to buy and we are getting the cash together right this second to buy it. And I had a GREAT business meeting with a friend of mine today who will be able to make my retirement plans happen a lot sooner rather than later. So all in all I had a pretty good day even though I was informed I will be doing the temp wrangling for another 2-2 1/2 weeks. Yay! Woo hoo!!

Smell that?

It is Sarcasm.

Enjoy your time.

So Halloween was a bust.

I had a Dr.’s appt at 2:30 to get my knee looked at and it was a Dr. that was recommended to me by a co-worker, but after waiting in his stinking waiting room for an hour and a half, and then having him look at my knee for 3.5 seconds and dismiss ALL of the information that I KNOW about my knee since I have been the proud owner of this knee for 39 years and know a thing or three abut the fucker. But hey he went to med school not charm school and he did send me for a MRI.

The MRI was scheduled for the same day….yes they are that quick, at get this 6:45pm. So who in their right mind opens a all night MRI place? Someone smarter than me because I wasn’t the only one out there, but the dumb bitch in front of me was late and I was early I got fisted and had to wait on her to get her shit magnetized so I didn’t get my shit started until 7:15, I was done at 8, and got the films and came home, by the time we got home it was 8:30 and I was exhausted. So I had zero fun, no trick or treaters, and we have a whole box of full size candy bars.

Well on second thought that probably isn’t too bad.

BUT!!

After looking at a fistful of MRI films I can see that yes, I am correct and all of the cartilage is basically shredded and floating around causing my knee to hurt and swell and that there is TWO yes TWO points of bone on bone contact JUST LIKE I SAID!! And that YES (You stupid non listening to the patient doctor) there is good cause to scope the knee and get all of the “crab meat” out and then refill the hole with new fluid called “Supartz” that acts as a lube for the joint and makes the pain stop. Supposedly.

But what do I fucking know I’m just a dumb patient.

oH and I’m too fat. Even though I have lost 43 lbs now and NONE of my pants will stay up even with a belt. Which I suppose is a good thing except that I JUST gave all of my skinny pants to the good will and now I will have to go buy some more. So I can out grow them again. That is the fun part, getting fat. It just sucks trying to meet the standards of the rest of the world who thinks we all need to be tiny skinny little pansies.

But the Dr. told me that I was too heavy and it wouldn’t be a good thing on any knee to be a fat guy. But that again, he also didn’t listen to what I was saying and I am right about all of that so I’m thinking “fuck him that douche bag ass hammer cock bite”

Can you feel the love here?

I’m still doing the project management shit and will be for the next two weeks or so. And I told them that that was the end, and they could do that last job with the shop and not me and my team of retards.