SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT

I don’t know how many people out there do what I do but I read my small hometown newspaper on line. It keeps me in touch with all of the crazy people who haven’t left yet and all of the people that still live there and are in charge of stuff. For instance the DJ I grew up listening to on KMKF 101.5 known as the Kansas Dog…well he is now the Mayor of Manhapenis Kansas.

So I get these headlines in my email and I usually scan them and maybe click through on one of them so I can read a angry story or two. Right now the city of Manhapenis is embroiled in controversy. It seems that there has been an investigation launched into the city’s parks and recreation division for an illegal gambling ring and hundred of thousands of missing dollars. But that isn’t what kept me from coming back. Even though I know all of the players in this story including some of the cops, here is where it gets interesting.

I went o high school with most of these guys and one in particular was a little strange, but very funny, his name was Tom Utermoehlen. Tom was always thought of as “someone who putts from the rough”, or “his bread is buttered on the other side” or “ He plays for the OTHER team”

Ok so he was gay! That’s what I’m saying. Anyway, everyone was pretty ok with this because he was a really stand up kind of guy. Give you the shirt off of his back, and buy you many cocktails to help you forget why you lost it anyway. Well here is a quote from the Manhattan Mercury (AKA The Manhattan Mistake),

"…Parks and recreation director Terry DeWeese said this morning that Friday was the last day for recreation supervisor Matt McClure and recreation coordinator Thomas Utermoehlen. ….Police last week did name Utermoehlen as a "person of interest" in the gambling and theft investigation. Utermoehlen was arrested Friday, Feb. 17 for felony exploitation of a child. Police said Utermoehlen's city-issued, personal computer was undergoing a forensic examination as part of the theft/ gambling investigation, when the city ran across evidence of "explicit child pornography." City officials alerted police and Utermoehlen was arrested. Utermoehlen was not available for comment on his resignation. He had worked various positions prior to becoming a full-time recreation coordinator in 2001."

I am still reeling from the shock.

I was reading along and was expecting “…personal computer was undergoing a forensic examination as part of the theft/ gambling investigation, when the city ran across evidence of “GUYS BLOWING EACH OTHER”…not kiddy porn.


Oh Tom, Where did you go wrong? When did you decide to tug your root to a younger set of man buns? When did you look at your internet porn and decide “Wow that guy would be so much hotter if I could just get pictures of him when he was 13.”

But I guess we all know why he was in charge of the recreation for the kids of Manhattan. At least he didn’t steal all of that money and build a amusement park complete with petting zoo and a monkey named bubbles!

I sit on the couch drinking coffee I have the whole world at my fingertips due to the advent of the internet, I have an old movie on the TV in the background where James Colburn plays a barely passable Irishman and Rod Stieger tries to plays a Mexican. It sounds like the taco bell Chihuahua talking to the Lucky Charm’s leprechaun.

It is a wonderful morning.

The sun is trying to burn off the cloud cover, it is supposed to be a nice warm afternoon even though it is only 30 degrees outside at this moment. I might try to play golf this afternoon or maybe go to the casinos and play my new addiction “let it ride”.

I have a favor to ask you. I need everyone to go see the movie “The New World”. I have a friend that plays an important Indian part in it and I think it would be nice if he could make some big dough off of this picture. And when I say Indian I mean feathers not dots, so help the red man that we have stolen all of his land and butchered all of his women and children, I think we owe them at least that much, to go see a movie anyway. Ironically the movie is about Indians seeing and meeting the white man for the first time. They should have killed the invaders much like we would have if they showed up on our shores dressed differently, and speaking in a foreign language. If only…

The Indians were the first people to be completely happy in their station in life. Think about that. They didn’t WANT to invent a means of exploration, they just lived and loved in a land that supported them. The Indians were the very first ecologists. Of course now that the white man has shown up they all suffer from alcoholism and poverty. If you have never been to a reservation I suggest you go and take a good look at how they live. Yes I know some of it is by choice, but some of it is 400 years of abuse by the white man.

I have no idea how I wandered on to this topic, but it is one close to my heart since I am probably only a handful of blonde haired, blue eyed ¼ Cheyenne Indians around. My G-ma on my Mom’s side was a full breed Cheyenne, but we have no record of her heritage because it was REALLY bad to be an Indian in the Midwest during the 20-50’s and when she was married to my G-pa and they had Mom, NO ONE was going to advertise a ½ breed baby girl. So I don’t get my free education, or my 2500.00 a month a fresh case of whiskey and a trans am in the driveway of my single wide parked on the rez.

Just go see the movie will you.

I can see the blue of the sky emerging through the small layer of fog like clouds as the suns rays start to warm up the atmosphere. The day is going to be a nice one.

Oh and by the way.......

You Are 72% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

Here look at me conforming to the will of the masses! All of tha cool kids are doing it!



And yes that is a normal size beer bottle...I have big hands you know.....and everyone knows what that means!



Big GLOVES

I can add a new name to my “I hate you SO much “ list.

ROBIN ROTH!! C’mon down you’re the next contestant on SHUT THE FUCK UP!

This California woman went on TV calling for a boycott of the book “Curious George”. And why did she do such a dastardly deed? Because she says the book shows irresponsibility and potentially harmful experimentation. Because George is left unsupervised by the man in the yellow hat, and he gets into some ether in the Dr’s office.

I grew up with these books and I wanted to be Curious George when I grew up…still do for that matter. But the books didn’t teach me to be irresponsible they Taught the opposite. To NOT fuck around with shit you don’t know about. It is an easy concept really, you give the kiddies a lovable little monkey who does stuff he shouldn’t have and gets himself in trouble again and again and the kid learn that they should do as their told and not as the little monkey, because hey, he got in TROUBLE!

Oh and I have it on good authority that this dumb bitch Robin Roth can’t even read.

Why do I make such an absurd statement? Because she claims that George is “smoking” ether. Let me say that again SMOKING ETHER!! Apparently this cunt doesn’t know what happens to ether when it is heated, and she can’t tell a fume line in a cartoon from a fucking pipe smoke line.

This is the kind of stupidity that used to be weeded out at birth or soon after.

Dr.- Ma’am I’m sorry but there seems to be something wrong with your baby. We’ll need to throw it in the lake for safe keeping.

Lady- WHAT?? Not my Baby, she is fine and so beautiful! What is wrong with her that you want to throw her in the lake?

Dr.- I’m sorry ma’am but she spent the last 2 hours trying to smoke ether and we just can’t let that sort of stupidity fester. Soon it will be an epidemic and the nation will be over run with dumb people…I’m sorry but it is quite the slippery slope we’re on it has to be done.

Lady- Well of course! I’m sorry I didn’t understand the circumstances, yes by all means throw the little window licker in the lake we wouldn’t want to breed stupidity.



Oh how I long for the days or yore….If it wasn’t for the lack of personal hygiene and no toilet paper and tooth brushes…well and the rampant spread of syphilis, I would want to go back in time to a simpler way of life.

Here is the website that you can read Robin Roth's explination of how Curious George is a menace.... Dumb Bitch

Please read Robin Roth's diatribe and write as many mean things about her and her stupidity as you can. I would like to see someone bitch slap this woman and pile drive her face through a chain link fence to make fresh ground Robin.

If hate were people I'd be China!

PS. I tried to use her name a lot so I would be thrust into the stop spot when some one googled her completly retarded ass. She seems the type to want to check up on how much press she is getting trying to save our kids from themselves, or more to the point from dumb parents like her.

Here is a frightening thought. I wouldn’t have believed unless I saw it with my own eyes.

David Sandborn flies South West Air.

He was on my flight to KC from Dallas on Saturday. Him and all of his goofy entourage. It was funny. I ignored him and all of them and just kept looking at them with my best “If you cut in front of me I will pin your ears back and swallow you whole” look. It seemed to work, even though his road manager and one of the sound techs could have been Leprechauns. I shit you not it was like I was Gulliver in Lilliput. They were like pocket people, they were so small.

It always makes me giggle when I see the long haired guys in the music industry, and their hair is almost as long as they are tall. I wish I had brought my camera. But if I was snapping pics it would have ruined my whole “who the fuck are you” stares and grimaces.

The trip was very good and fruitful I am becoming closer by the second to supplementing my income by about 2 times more, or twice, however the fuck you conjugate those verbs.

Anypoop, Bouby and I did not win the lottery, some fuck in Lincoln picked up the 365 million. And I hate them. Incase we weren’t clear on that. Do you know how much good I could have done with that money? So much good and good for you ideas! Hell I could have funded my run for the presidency. Running on the libertarian ticket, I think I could win, I’ll hire Pete for all of my conservative issues, and NGD As my co-party planner chairperson with Chicken Lots of vodka and Buffett! I will need a conscience as well so Clarity Gets that gig. And I’m sure there would be plenty of other jobs that I would hire people for based solely on friendship or perceived friendship, but in reality I’m tired of linking. (See I’m already too honest to be a politician!), so I guess we should shit can the whole idea (besides I inhaled, snorted, shot up, killed people, and generally had fun in the 80’s) and have a big ass party on the island I was going to buy had I won the stupid money.

Of course Bouby would be my arm candy, so she doesn’t have to do anything ‘cept look good!

If only I could have made those stupid lotto balls behave.

The Ghost story.

I was encouraged by Ruk to write about my experience with a ghost during my college years. I can’t remember if or when I wrote about this so if you have heard it let me …..no on second thought just shut the fuck up and enjoy it for a second time!

It was 1988 Chico CA. I was living in a 2 bedroom 2 bath house with 4 other football players. There was a housing crunch at that time and you had to grab what you could, the good part was that rent was $88.00/month the bad part was I was sleeping in an old laundry room. Looked like a prison cell without the bars. I even found the basement door under some carpeting. It was a dirt crawl space with a vent window in it, and that was covered by some cardboard. So it was plenty dark and always cooler then the rest of the house. So I moved into it, after laying some nasty green carpet we stole from the dumpster of a carpet store. I tapped into the phone line, and the cable and I was set.

Subterranean living at it’s finest.

So the 5 of us manly man football players were all shoved into this little bungalow for a full year. It was a good time. We were the poorest fuckers in town, two of my roommates were full blown “Crips” who could play football and did it very well, but they could still get you Uzi’s for $100.00, and VCR’s for 10 from the crackheads in Oakland. We had the proverbial “Full house” (in poker terms 3of one kind 2 of another) Me and Disco Bob were the only white guys around for most of our parties. It was really fun.

One thing most people don’t know is that “bruthas” are desperately afraid of poltergeists. They tend to freak right the fuck out. And they also don’t like to talk about them, they think that makes them more real and that they will have their soul sucked out of them or something.
There was a continuing fight, on a DAILY basis, as to “someone left the kitchen cabinets open again! Why can’t you motherfuckers close the fucking cabinets” Well everyone in the house would deny leaving them open and since no one would fess up we just figured we were living with a liar, or a real forgetful jackass.

Then I made a discovery. I had moved my mattress back up top for the winter, and I was dead asleep at the time but I saw her.

She was as real as anyone else you can see thru.

I can’t explain what made me wake up but I did. And standing at the foot of my bed was a lady wearing a high necked blouse, tucked into a full length dress and high lace up boots, ala circa 1800’s. About the time the town of Chico was founded. I rubbed my eyes thinking I had something in my contacts but she was still there and she was folding clothes. Not my clothes, she was folding see thru ghost clothes.

I sat up in the bed.

She looked over at me and smiled.

I couldn’t deal with this anymore. I looked at her and said- Excuse me I can’t deal with this right now I need to get some sleep” I picked up my blanket and pillow and walked through her and went to the couch.

Around 8:00am my roommate woke me up getting ready for class and wondered what I was doing on the couch. I shook my head and told him I would tell him and the rest of the house later that afternoon.

Well once everyone was home after classes I started in on my tale of ghostly goodness, and they all started telling me about the weird shit that was going on when they were the only people in the house. Stuff like pictures falling of the dresser, doors opening, the kitchen cabinets would all be open, and the 40 year old have to pull handle down style of refrigerator, would open all on it’s own.

As I told them all of this, the Black guys were starting to freak out a little because they were always too scared to talk about it. But I told them that I had done some research in the paranormal section of the library and found that most specters don’t do evil and the only reason that they do crazy stuff like open EVERY cabinet in the house is because they are lonely and that they just want us to acknowledge them in some small way. So we agreed that we would start saying Hello when we walked into the house and made sure that we told her our plans and she was perfectly happy then and we had no more sightings. There was the occasional drawer pulled open, but that was during the times we would forget to say hi for a day or two.

So just keep in mind that there are ghosts out there and not all of them are of the Amityville Horror kind.

I leave tomorrow for a business trip to cold and dreary TX. Well at least that is what the weather.com site says it is going to be. This trip could be the break that I am looking for in my …career? That seems such an “80’s” thing to say. I guess I’m one of the Peter Pan Syndrome guys who just don’t feel necessary to grow up. But since I have a girl who loves me and a great place and a ½ ass decent job, I should maybe start thinking about setting up a committee to discuss my possible growing up at this juncture.


NO NO NO NO NO!!

I DON’T WANNA AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!

But it all goes well I be (Start humming Katrina and the Waves) Walking on sunshine Oh aa, just walking on sunshine…..

Last night (Valentines for those of you keeping score) I surprised Bouby with a new stuffed monkey, some dark chocolate, and a cute card. We went out for the dinner and a cocktail and then we played catch up on the Gilmore Girls (one of the best written shows on TV) and House. I love Dr. House. He has some of the best one liners in TV. There was no snuggling involved because when we do that it generally gets into heavy breathing, and with both of us still trying to get over the Martian phlegm factory play set, I figured it would make us pass out before the happy ending due to a lack of air of one HUGE coughing fit that causes a lung to collapse. But we did reschedule for later…Well at least I did!

Even if she is still sick I, I have a stack of Dirty magazines this high! (picture if you will the original National Lampoon’s “Vacation”).

So anyway wish me luck on my continuing effort to make some hard earned cash, or at least so that I can hit the power ball and take everyone to lunch for some nice fresh jerk chicken…..IN JAMACIA!! Yeah MON!

I wonder what it is that makes some people sicker than others? I mean I have been sick more times this year than I have been in the last 5 years. I think I have it pinned down though.

When I was growing up I had a dog when I lived in the country, we had a dog, he lived outside. When I was in high school I had a dog that lived inside, He was part poodle a hypo allergenic breed that doesn’t shed or cause peoples noses to run. That is why so many people are breeding everything under the sun to a poodle nowadays, there are the labradoodles, a lab and poodle cross, there is the retrieverdoodle, a golden and a poodle cross, my dad even makes more money selling boogles, and Beagle-poodle cross, then he does selling either breed solo.

I didn’t put this sickness puzzle together until I was helping my dad at the puppy fram doing a vet check on 12 golden retrievers. I got home and I couldn’t breathe through my nose, it was plugged up tight. I did a quick run through of all the dogs in my life and all of the inside dogs were poodles or part poodles and I didn’t get within kissing distance of the outside dogs for any length of time, so I must have an allergy to dogs.

When I moved in with my Ex-girlfriend out in California she had a toy fox terrier and 2 kids, when I started getting sick all of the time I blamed the snot jockeys, not the dog. Then I moved to KC and for the first year I didn’t get sick once then I moved in with Bouby and her two giant beasts of hair and I have been sick A LOT!

Conclusion: I take lots of drugs to ward off a plugged nose because I love her and those two stupid beasts more then breathing.

Have a wonderful Valentines day!!

And Tenshi---These are boogles!!

I figured some stuff out. So I thought I would share it with the internet. All of the cool kids are doing it!

1. Why men are so confused. Women will start a conversation in their heads and then about 1/2 way through it they'll engage their mouth and ask the men a question concerning this conversation that they have had going on in her head for fuck knows how long....and then look at us like we’re the dumb one.

It is why most men walk around with that confused look on their faces.

2. Dove shampoo looks like jizz. Works good but still looks like I blew a load in my fist. I wish it was that easy, two pumps on a bottle and I am breathless and giddy…Man I would have the cleanest hair on the planet.

3. Anyone that blows by me on the freeway and then gets in front of me and slows down to the point that I need to hit the brakes…well that is why I don’t carry a gun with me. I would shoot them. Oh and if they do this to exit…there is a special circle of hell waiting on these people.

4. Michael Buble’ is a groovy crooner. For those of you who DON’T know what a crooner is. You have to stop reading right now and go away. Seriously get out of my site. I’ll wait.

Ok just us…well Michael Buble’ is as close to Ol’ Blue Eyes as you can get. You’ll also recognize him from the Starbucks commercial from last year where he sang “Come fly with me” . So buy a CD, steal his music, or both, I don’t care just get groovy Franky, Deano, and Sammy style!

5. I tried to think of 5 things but I’m drawing a blank.

So I think Bouby and I are getting sick. I stayed home from work on Monday because I felt like shit, and now she feels like shit So I can see a highly productive weekend ahead of us. Like possibly making a Costco run and sitting on the couch. Blockbuster Online has made a series of mistakes and we have like 6 movies to watch, so that is good, a bottle each of Nyquil and some vicodin….ought to make for a pretty lethargic weekend.

Does this reflect badly on my job? Planning the weekend’s slothery on Wednesday? What ever happened to my sense of freedom and my impulsiveness? Plans used to be for those other people. I was a feather on the breeze floating around doing what ever was the breeziest at the precise moment. I was a Lynard Skynard song. Now it seems that Bouby and I have to keep two sets of calendars just to keep our poop schedule on track. Does this mean that we are getting old?

It used to be wine wone and song, now it is beer the old lady and TV.

Ok I stole that from a t-shirt, besides it isn’t that bad. Sometimes we get to go out.



Fuck it! Who wants pie?