SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT

I just read a little blurb over at X-Man's Joint and his disbelief about the stupididity of people not using the crosswalk, and leisurely strolling into traffic. I get why the bums, hobo, and other worthless human excrement try and get a free stay at the hospital, hell that is the same reason I go to the casinos....gamble what I got to try and get more so I can get away for a while and have something I don't usually get. I understand that motivation...wants and needs.

But what I don't get is why we as humans feel the need to protect the stupid. When did our instinct take a back seat to survival? What is it about the Human race that we feel the need to take the "Lennys" of the world in and protect them from evil world? There is no other species of animal, and yes we are animals, that allows for the stupid, weak, lazy, slow or old to live beyond their usefulness.

I see this every time I go to my dads puppy farm. If there is something not right with the pup, the bitch will kick the pup to the elements and not let it eat, and sometimes yes it will eat it. The dog can sense, smell, see, or just knows that there is something not right and she doesn't want that to proliferate through her pack, so she has a self induced REALLY late term abortion.

Why do we care so much about "people" that we can't see that maybe Mother Nature is right, and we are not as smart and cool as we think we are. Which is why I am not concerned about global warming. When this spinning rock decides it is tired of the infestation of vermin known as man, it will shake us off, like a dog walking out of the lake. We have NO say in when the forces of nature will make us cease to exist. But we continue to try to protect, and keep the dream alive for those people who like to walk slow across the road during rush hour and breed like rats because well, why else, the GOVERNMENT will PAY them to have more STUPID KIDS!

Watch Idicoracy and tell me that the opening sequence isn't the fucking truth...and yes I know I'm part of it , but trust me the planet is not ready for a tiny Nightmare running around...not enough people in the village to raise that demon spawn.

Here is the opening sequence via you tube;

If only I could sing, that would be a cool thing to fall back on. I know that most people who sing are always told to get an education so they can have something to fall back on, but I wish I could carry a tune with both hands and a bucket. Currently I can not and I really wish I could, I like singing, I just sound like a wounded water buffalo fighting with a herd of ally cats in a tin shed.

So since I can't I just drink and enjoy those that can. However if you can't and I see you and hear you I will make fun of you...like Clint Eastwood said in Dirty Harry.."a man's got to know his limitations". So if you don't I will point that out to you and make sure that we all have a laugh because of it...I'm an asshole like that.

I am currently nursing a hangover, it is is only 8pm and I'm fighting a afternoon drunk...not really drunk, but enough that I should have kept drinking, but had to opt for the " don't you think you've had enough" defense from the Wife...after all I did have a ton of shit to do...

So I was blog reading and stuff and watching the NFL draft and stuff and I realized that I have nothing to add to any thing nor do I have any sort of philosophical nugget of truth to throw out there for the masses. So what am I doing writing down my most vapid and useless thoughts?

Who fucking knows.

All I do know is;
1) the Loc Nar is the sum of all evil
2) never try to draw to an inside straight
3) don't spit into the wind
4) don't fart in a small car unless everyone is playing the fart game.
5) Work is a four letter word
6) clowns are fucking scary
7) brussel sprouts taste like boiled assholes dipped in butter
8) The All State commercial guy ALWAYS sounds like he is saying "That's All State STAN" and I have no idea who the fuck Stan is.
9) wipe front to back EVERY time
10) don't eat yellow snow even if your friend swears it is lemon.
11) Over the past week (Apr 16 - 23) eleven Americans were killed in the nation of Iraq¹, While in the city of Chicago, over the weekend alone, 32 were shot and 2 Stabbed, leaving 7 Dead. 20 were shot in less than 24 hours. On April 23, 5 more were killed in a South Side shooting. That's twelve killed in this U.S. city over the same period." (quoted from Red Blue America)


So there, now I'm gonna take a nap, surely I will be way more sober tomorrow.

Well I am asleep at my cube pretending to look for a proposal that I know I will not find because once again your's truly was involved in a computer fuck up of biblical proportions.

The entire week has been one fucking mess after another, and I am just not exactly happy. So if you know of any new endeavors that may make money besides selling crack to the homeless, (I have that gig covered already)I will take it I'm seriously thinking that Micky D's can't be this fucked up and I may opt for the drive thru window gig. Maybe I can bring a little sunshine into the lives of those fat assed fake food eating monkey humpers who breed like rats and live off the dollar menu.

But I digress.

My computer was once again rendered a paper weight. But this time it wasn't exactly my fault, I mean ultimately it was because I asked for the upgrade, but then my IT friend could not make the magic happen like he said he could.

As you people may remember, a few weeks ago I lost my puter for a week because it was a filthy bitch and packed with dust and debris and filth. Well I had purchased a giant hard drive to replace the one I thought was failing, when it wasn't the hard drive's fault I couldn't return the shiny new 250gig monster, because I had already opened it and attempted to put my OS on it.

So I pontificated over my dilemma, for a month and finally decided to see if my IT folks would be able to "image" or "clone" my current hard drive on to my new one so the switch would be seamless. I was assured that this was indeed the case and it shouldn't take more then a few minutes maybe an hour based on how much crap was on the hard drive to begin with.

So with assertions in hand I gladly handed over my laptop that has EVERYTHING on it, to my trusty IT department.

I then went to work in the slave fields which is the shop to basically pull pallets of merchandise around the loading dock...thanks for the BS Degree in Advertising KSU, but I think I'll just lift heavy (263lbs ea) objects for shipping instead of using my head. (I'll take pictures of my bruises later)This all was a Monday/Tuesday time period.

I say Monday /Tuesday, because on Monday they couldn't do the transfer because for some reason the new drive was doing a start and stop trick, and that in turn made the original stop working properly as well. So I was without a computer for my big meeting with Keri Oke to discuss my involvement in the pyramid scheme that is sure to take the local dummies for all their cookie jar money.

When I finally got my laptop back it was under a blanket of apologies because all that occurred was my data was safe and sound on my original drive and my new drive had only an OS on it. So I had to do everything that I didn't want to do to begin with and am still putting shit back together.

The good news is my work place is finally getting me a desktop so I can use my PERSONAL laptop for exactly that....MY business, my porn, my bullshit, and naturally my "go fuck yourself because I hate you" letters to the world of IT.

Thanks kids love the job your doing. If I told someone that I would be willing to move their couch for them and then got it stuck in the hall way going down the stairs to the moving truck, I sure the fuck wouldn't jump out the back window and wave to them with a ton of apologies, I would stick around and see if I could at least let the neighbors in before I smashed it to bits and then bought them a new one....fucking IT.

From my wonderful lunch with Spyder, XO and Waldo , and no I'm not linking I'm too tired, everything has been a blur. I was recruited to be slave labor in the shop for one of my clients. So with the exception of having a wonderful lunch with Keri Oke and her biz partner/pyramid scheme leader, I have been pulling 12 hour days dragging pallets of shit around the shop and I am sore, mean, nasty, and dirty.

My eyes are shutting as I type this.....hope everyone had fun at the gathering tonight!


Peas out homies!

So last Saturday KC was 35 degrees and snowing. It was also the day that Bouby and I held our wedding ceremony. It was held in a big tent outside at The Crossroads music venue, owned by my friend Stretch, there was beer a flowing, and heaters in the tent and we had about 100+ friends and family show up for beer and pizza and nuptials. I got to reconnect with people I hadn't seen in 20 years as well as family I don't get to see enough of. Such a good time.Here are some pics...





The entire time I was there my family kept coming up to me and telling me that I was directly responsible for the cold ass weather and snow.Apparently 20 years ago I mentioned that it would be a cold day in hell when I got married....well it seems like the gods were listening a bit too closely, because I got what I asked for. I'm not sure if anyone elses' family has this kind of ability but it seems like no matter what it is that my brothers and I can ask the universe for some seriously weird shit and we seem to get heard...for instance that earthquake last week, it seems that My little brother had read...well I just cut and paste his email to my mom who was 10 miles away from the epicenter...

"It is so strange... a few days ago I was reading that many geologists are predicting that a large earthquake will happen in California within 30 years, and their models are predicting it with certainty of greater than 90%, which is unheard of certainty in that field. So the first thing that popped into my mind as I was reading about it was "wouldnt it be interesting if one of the Midwestern faults broke loose first" and what do you know... a day or two later... boom.

Obviously I need to think more positively."

So if you need big stuff...well life altering and possibly planet changing just ask and We'll hook you up.

We went to Rock Eddy Bluff< where I asked the big question, and this time we stayed for a full week and it was awesome. No emails, TV's, or phones ringing. What a great time! We did venture in to the little town of Dixon for some needed supplies. And once for a time waster before we had a GREAT steak at The Point, where if you order one of their amazing T-bones, well you get to write on the wall...it is a great place, with a fantastic view...but I digress, The town of Dixon is like one of those towns in the movies where strangers get kidnapped, brainwashed, and either made to stay in teh town or they became snacks for the rest of the weird people.

There was only one bar in town and it was only open until 9pm on Friday and closed Saturday and Sunday...and it was touted as a "Sports" Bar...sports bar not open on Saturday and Sunday? REALLY? What. The. Fuck?

There was a curiosity shop, it smelled like cat piss and mold.

There is some money somewhere, there was a lot of high end cars...however there was a distinct class line. From the Caddies to the broke down 30 year old Buicks they had McMansions, and next door, McShitty Shack. And when I say shittyshack, I'm talking about places that wouldn't even be squatted in here in KC, but in the Ozarks, well, apparently hillbillies like to pass their squalor down to the heir apparent with much glory and beer drinking...it would explain the bottles and the old washing machines, cars, black trash bags filled with rotting garbage, dead animals, broken furniture and something that smells like a full garbage truck rotting for a month in the heat of the Sahara. Such beauty...and the people...well the people like the zombies from the movies....they are brain dead and scary.

But we are back and digging out of a mountain of junk mail and emails and trash from the wedding.


We'll talk later bitches!

It has been almost 6 years since I first met my best friend and lover. We met over the interwebs, and went out on our first date on a Monday night. I knew that she had massive potential when we kept catching each other sneaking glances at the football game that was playing on the TV at Jose Peppers in Lees Summit. You don't often find a woman who is as interested in the game of football and not just the local team. It is even more miraculous to find one who hates the local team and actually likes their most hated opponent, I got lucky and found such a broad.

In less then 72 hours we will be joined in holy matrimony...or as I like to call it bringing the government into my love life. But I knew that if I wanted to stay with this amazing woman I would need to make things "legal" so last June I asked, she said yes and Saturday will be the legal beginning of our relationship. We are returning to the scene of the crime for our honeymoon, the amazing Rock Eddy Bluff for a week of ZERO electronic interference. No TV, internet, or cell signal, it should be amazing! So in my absence please know that I won't be thinking about any of you, strangely enough I do believe I will have other things on my mind!

As for the unanswered movie quotes here are the answers;
#3-Lion King
#5 Spring Break
#9 Donovan's Reef
#12 The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio
#14 Black Snake Moan

Thanks for playing and I'll see you in a week.

Nuke had this over at his place last week and now I want to play. I got 5 of his movies, and I don't know that anoyone will get that many here for a couple of reasons 1) no one reads this shit, and 2) I watch movies with abandon. I have seen shit most people have never heard of and I have a stupid trait to remember the weirdest shit ever! They will start pretty easy, and then get harder.

If you know the movie that these quotes came from leave the title in the comments and the correct answers will get credit. No Googling, or IMBDing!

1)"Sometimes nothing is a pretty cool hand to have"ANONYMOUS
2)"What's with you and those fucking boots?"Trashman
3 "I told them to forget about it but you know elephants..they never forget"
4)"Red, I do believe you are talking out of your ass"Trashman
5)"Beer is like....Fucking Great"
6)"Dude means nice guy. Dude means a regular sort of person."Nuke
7)"If I didn't have puke breath, I'd kiss you."Average Jane
8)"Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light."Average Jane
9)"What started it was this knothead tried to pawn off a hootchie-cootchie girl on me in Panama."
10)"Yes! That's the beauty of college these days, Tommy! You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit." ANONYMOUS
11)" I run a couple of newspapers. What do you do? "IT CHICKIE
12)"Do you know that U.S. Army research has shown a relationship between intelligence and willingness to eat unfamiliar foods?"
13)"Fucking... What the fuck. Who the fuck fucked this fucking... How did you two fucking fucks... FUCK!"Michelle
14)"Well if they weren't you could kiss my rebel coochie, faggot."
15)"OK. This guy here, he's our man, all grown up and going nowhere. Although he's a pretty scholarly cat, he never got much of a formal education. For the most part, he's lived in shit neighborhoods, held shit jobs, and he's now knee-deep into a disastrous second marriage. So, if you're the kind of person looking for romance or escapism or some fantasy figure to save the day... guess what? You've got the wrong movie."A Librarian

Let the games begin!

Created by OnePlusYou

That is 444% more then the rest of the fucking interwebs. I swear to god that if this shit doesn't stop I'm gonna fucking explode.

I stole that from joe It cracks me up too.

I also have part 3 of the guest Blogger Tis...and I quote;

" I've refined and expanded my thoughts on John McCain. I would like to let this go, but he keeps bringing it up. I didn't intend this for posting, but I suppose I can't stop you. If you need me I'll be over there on the Group W bench.

Let me first comment on Senator McCain's military service. I did not serve in the military. I am humbled by young people who join the military today, knowing full well that they are likely to be put in harms way. (Solid props to Prince Harry.) I respect Senator McCain for his service. I can’t imagine what he had to endure at the hands of the North Vietnamese. I will stipulate that his time in North Vietnam was the polar opposite of Club Med. Nor do I question Senator McCain's love for his country. However, that by itself in no way guarantees he will be a good president.

However, the frequent mentions of his service and time in Vietnam bother me. Sometimes I get the feeling that he is trying to tell us his being a POW is a necessary attribute that no other candidate has. I half expect him to say "if Al Qaeda shoots down Air Force One and captures the President alive, I am the only candidate who has the experience to handle the situation." We get it John. You were a Navy pilot. You were shot down. You were beaten regularly for five years, and dang it you missed Woodstock. But how does that make you qualified to be president?

In addition, I am a little uncomfortable with this whole hero thing. Lieutenant Commander McCain destroyed his plane, was captured by enemy forces and taken to a prisoner of war camp. For this he is a hero? Unless he intended to fall from the sky and be captured, his mission was a failure. (A general rule of thumb for pilots is to make sure your number of landings is equal to your number of take-offs.)

Where does the hero part come from? For surviving five years of beatings? Somehow I always considered heroism a conscious act. I suppose struggling to stay alive through his imprisonment is a conscious act, but generally he was far from in control of the situation. I tend to view heroism as having an active element, and being a POW is a more passive. (If we examine the sentence “The North Vietnamese guard beat the prisoner,” we see that “guard” is the noun, “beat” is the verb, and “prisoner” is the object of the verb.) McCain had a state of the art fighting machine shot from beneath him, he didn’t charge into the enemy line with his bayonet fixed. That would be heroic!

Then there is the way Senator McCain uses his imprisonment to promote himself. Prior to the Kansas and Missouri caucus/primary the only McCain advertisement I heard on the radio was one relating a story from McCain’s imprisonment, and the story wasn’t really about McCain, it was about another soldier. (At least McCain did the voice work himself, eliminating the need for the annoying “I’m Dumbass O’Candidate, and I approved this message.”) I read that McCain’s first national ad for the general election was released last week, and go figure, it talks about his time as a POW. Why is it he always leads with the POW angle? I am not sure where that even fits in. He wasn’t Ambassador to North Vietnam, or Special Envoy, or even a top negotiator. He was a POW. How is that relevant to being elected president?

So, how is John McCain a hero, and why do we have to hear about it constantly? I’m serious here people, help me understand."

Peace out yo! ( 9 days and counting until Bouby and I are married)

I decided to be REALLY Lazy and repost something. I know it is lazy, but still a fucking funny story!


October 2005

I pierced my Nipple once.

Notice how I said I pierced my nipple, and not I had my nipple pierced…yes it is a fine line of distinction but it is there.

It was the late 80’s early 90’s I don’t remember exactly when because I spent most of that time period drunk/stoned/tripping/ignoring the real world, so my memory is a little sketchy but it seemed to be all the rage and I saw a couple of people who had their shit pierced and it looked fun, so I thought a lot about it but never seriously.

But since I was in this drunken barn dance stage of life and was drinking every night, or worse it was no surprise that I was out and in rare form for even that point in my life. See when I was drinking heavily I would ask the bartenders at my favorite watering hole to put me on the “Quantity not Quality” drinking plan. And if they agreed I would order 5-6 shots, all different flavors, and a vodka Collins. I would wait until the cocktails were all poured and sitting in front of me and then I would proceed to down them. In about 30 seconds. I would then grin at the bartender, and ask to have my vodka Collins refilled and take that one to the back table where I would sit and people watch ordering anywhere from 5-10 more drinks over the course of 3-4 hours. I was a quiet drunk, I only caused problems once…in a bar that is, and I really just liked to drink and people watch. Much like I do to this day.

Anyway I’m drinking my fare share and more than likely your share as well, when I see a friend who I hadn’t seen in a few years and the drinking suddenly becomes a sport. We buy each other rounds, we buy random girls rounds and generally get so fucked up, had we walked near an open flame we would have burst into flames like the monks protesting the Vietnam war.

I’m really unsure what happened next, or for the next 3-4 hours of drinking, but what I do know is I woke up with a pounding head, and a taste like the neighbor’s cat snuck into my room shit in my mouth and tried to bury it with hot garbage. So since I had a class (Teaching music to children 101) I had to get up and shower. As I stumbled down the hallway carrying my towel and cursing the evils of drinking, I started inventorying the body parts that hurt, and checking for any mystery bruises. There was some dull ache going on in the vicinity of my chest but I attributed that to sleeping funny or possibly getting punched in a friendly manner at the bar the night before.

I step into the shower and start the routine, head to toe spending an inordinately long time at the penis region because what feels better the a morning tug right? But as I made my way down the face and towards the chest I could feel the pain in my chest moving to the left side and settling into that pectoral region. Then as I quickly tried to lather my chest and my soapy hands hit the nipple area, I screamed in pain and almost crapped in the shower.

I jump into the spray of water trying remove all of the soap from the chest to try and ascertain what the fuck happened. Needless to say I was pretty sober by now and my hangover was removed and replaced by extreme nipple pain. I looked down and lo and behold my left nipple was wearing one of my earrings.

Not surgical steel, not a store bought “piercing” nipple ring guaranteed not to get infected, or to cause toxic shock syndrome, but one of my own old dirty funk infested, football player, hasn’t been cleaned in years, hoops. I was shocked, bewildered, and slightly confused. Where did this come from? How did this happen? HOLY SHIT IT REALLY HURTS. So dancing around in the shower I rinsed, opted to not have the morning tug, and jumped wet out of the shower. It was decision time.

Do I keep it in and hope that my nipple doesn’t turn black and fall off or do I risk removing it and causing amounts of pain that could only be determined by the use of higher math, a live chicken and a pants load of carpenter ants? I opted for the removal. Gently grasping the hoop with both hands I spread the two halves of the hoop apart almost making it straight, just to give me enough room so that the damn thing would come out in one swift pull doing little to no damage to my nipple. I took three deep breaths, steadied myself, and yanked.

A little pee came out.

It hurt so bad that I swore to never pierce anything other then my ears ever again and that the next time I ran into said old friend to punch him right in the face.


And for the D...My desk At work!