Wednesday, April 02, 2008


three years ago

I decided to be REALLY Lazy and repost something. I know it is lazy, but still a fucking funny story!

October 2005

I pierced my Nipple once.

Notice how I said I pierced my nipple, and not I had my nipple pierced…yes it is a fine line of distinction but it is there.

It was the late 80’s early 90’s I don’t remember exactly when because I spent most of that time period drunk/stoned/tripping/ignoring the real world, so my memory is a little sketchy but it seemed to be all the rage and I saw a couple of people who had their shit pierced and it looked fun, so I thought a lot about it but never seriously.

But since I was in this drunken barn dance stage of life and was drinking every night, or worse it was no surprise that I was out and in rare form for even that point in my life. See when I was drinking heavily I would ask the bartenders at my favorite watering hole to put me on the “Quantity not Quality” drinking plan. And if they agreed I would order 5-6 shots, all different flavors, and a vodka Collins. I would wait until the cocktails were all poured and sitting in front of me and then I would proceed to down them. In about 30 seconds. I would then grin at the bartender, and ask to have my vodka Collins refilled and take that one to the back table where I would sit and people watch ordering anywhere from 5-10 more drinks over the course of 3-4 hours. I was a quiet drunk, I only caused problems once…in a bar that is, and I really just liked to drink and people watch. Much like I do to this day.

Anyway I’m drinking my fare share and more than likely your share as well, when I see a friend who I hadn’t seen in a few years and the drinking suddenly becomes a sport. We buy each other rounds, we buy random girls rounds and generally get so fucked up, had we walked near an open flame we would have burst into flames like the monks protesting the Vietnam war.

I’m really unsure what happened next, or for the next 3-4 hours of drinking, but what I do know is I woke up with a pounding head, and a taste like the neighbor’s cat snuck into my room shit in my mouth and tried to bury it with hot garbage. So since I had a class (Teaching music to children 101) I had to get up and shower. As I stumbled down the hallway carrying my towel and cursing the evils of drinking, I started inventorying the body parts that hurt, and checking for any mystery bruises. There was some dull ache going on in the vicinity of my chest but I attributed that to sleeping funny or possibly getting punched in a friendly manner at the bar the night before.

I step into the shower and start the routine, head to toe spending an inordinately long time at the penis region because what feels better the a morning tug right? But as I made my way down the face and towards the chest I could feel the pain in my chest moving to the left side and settling into that pectoral region. Then as I quickly tried to lather my chest and my soapy hands hit the nipple area, I screamed in pain and almost crapped in the shower.

I jump into the spray of water trying remove all of the soap from the chest to try and ascertain what the fuck happened. Needless to say I was pretty sober by now and my hangover was removed and replaced by extreme nipple pain. I looked down and lo and behold my left nipple was wearing one of my earrings.

Not surgical steel, not a store bought “piercing” nipple ring guaranteed not to get infected, or to cause toxic shock syndrome, but one of my own old dirty funk infested, football player, hasn’t been cleaned in years, hoops. I was shocked, bewildered, and slightly confused. Where did this come from? How did this happen? HOLY SHIT IT REALLY HURTS. So dancing around in the shower I rinsed, opted to not have the morning tug, and jumped wet out of the shower. It was decision time.

Do I keep it in and hope that my nipple doesn’t turn black and fall off or do I risk removing it and causing amounts of pain that could only be determined by the use of higher math, a live chicken and a pants load of carpenter ants? I opted for the removal. Gently grasping the hoop with both hands I spread the two halves of the hoop apart almost making it straight, just to give me enough room so that the damn thing would come out in one swift pull doing little to no damage to my nipple. I took three deep breaths, steadied myself, and yanked.

A little pee came out.

It hurt so bad that I swore to never pierce anything other then my ears ever again and that the next time I ran into said old friend to punch him right in the face.

And for the D...My desk At work!

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