Monday, January 14, 2008


The Auto Flush

Is there anything better then the auto flush toilet?

Well up until a few days or so ago I would have agreed with not so much.

As I mentioned previously I was stuck in Omaha working for three days and I don't care who you are when nature calls you either answser the door or shit your pants.

I decided that, even though shitting my pants would have been a good way to get out of work, I would rather not have the "Shitter Stigmata" applied to my last name for the rest of my life.

"Hey isn't that Nightmare the pants shitter standing over there?"

Yeah not quite as catchy as "John the cocksucker" but still not a handle that I would like to saddle myself with. So I head off to the restroom where I attempt to do my thing and answer the call of the bear, in the woods, with a pope's hat...yaknowwhatimsayin?

So all is well, and I'm making notes about my visit to the loo, like;

1) I could use a salad now and again.
2) I need to drink more water...Play-doh comes to mind, maybe modeling clay.
3) There are no good bathroom graffiti artist or poets any more
a)Here I sit all broken hearted, tried to shit but only farted! Classic!

This last thought was quickly followed by the sound of a Jet engine. I don't know what the first little clicking noise was because I didn't have the time to process this info, I was busy wondering exactly how much toilet paper it was going to dry off my ass.

That jet noise was the high power super flush o'matic auto toilet flushing with my sizable naked ass still parked on it. For those of you not familiar with the high power super flush o'matic auto toilet, it tries to wash the top of the toilet seat as well as taking the Browns to the SuperBowl, or at least that was my thinking as approximately 2 gallons of dirty ass water was disposed of in and around my bare ass.

So needless to say I was less then thrilled with a wet dirty ass, and I was excited to find a bunch of toilet paper in which I could towel off my ass like I was at the beach, but the biggest thing about this experience I take away is that the high power super flush o'matic auto toilet, has dropped to 5th on the list of all time great inventions.
1) Fire
2) The Wheel
3) Hand Lotion
4) Booze
5) High power super flush o'matic auto toilet
6) Football
7) Cinematic goodness
8) Hot air balloons

So be wary of the auto flush and remember to always grab a couple of paper towels on the way into the'll thank me later for this tip today.

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