SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT

Why is it that 4 days of "vacation" never seems like it is ever enough? I need to hit that lotto so I can be like Peter and sit on my ass and do nothing.

All DAY.

Just sit there and scratch, and shop on ebay and Amazon. Never leaving the house except to buy booze and travel, preferably at the same time. I hear there is some good booze in Ireland, and the best vodka comes from Russia, so I think if I hit the lottery I could hook that up.

On Thursday of last week some of you might remember it was thanksgiving, had a good time, ate turkey, and stuffing all over at bouby's Mom's place...well ok her Aunt's place but still it was fun and relaxed and we had a good time.

Friday we boycotted the traditional "Black Friday" and didn't leave the house until Bouby ran out of smokes and we needed ice cream. Yes I said needed. there is nothing sadder then a fat man without some ice cream.

Saturday we did....what did we do..OH I went to see my dad with my older brother and his "hubby" and my younger brother was in from Boston so Dad and step mom had all of us under one roof for the first time in a long time...it was nice.

Sunday, Football and a trip to the G-parents, they are looking and doing good. We then went back to the house and watched more football. I'm telling you is there anything more fun then watching football? Well with the exception of last nights game between the Saints and the Jets, that was just plain dumb.

So I guess I have a case of the Mondays and really can't wait until tomorrow afternoon because for the first time all year I'm going hunting. It is once again Deer season and I and my fellow hunters will try to eradicate the local menace known as the Whitetail deer. No longer will the giant rats be a danger to traveling motorists, there will be a drop in deer to vehicle accidents.

The roadways will be safe and my freezer will be filled.

So it is said so shall it be done.

The fucking holidays are upon us yet again.

YAY!

Smell that? That is sarcasm.

I don’t know why coordinating family functions are so fucking hard to do. I mean really, here is all you need; time, place, what to bring. And that is fucking it! If there is a conflict it needs to be resolved in a mature manner. I don’t care if you have been going to great aunt queef’s house since Jesus was a baby, if you have gotten married, or are in a relationship that is mature enough to spend time with your significant others family then there needs to be a compromise. Either you spend Thanksgiving with theirs and Christmas with yours or vice a versa, either way will work.

What doesn’t work is last minute changes or complete absurd ideas of what NEEDS to happen. Here is a good example. Family, and extended family generally don’t give a fuck where they meet and eat. As long as there is enough chairs and tables, and maybe the all important TV to catch the football games, they could careless if it is in a barn, out in a field or in your house that may or may not be as clean as the Brady’s place on TV but SO FUCKING WHAT!! The holidays are about people not things. My mother was like that for the longest time and then she realized that I was right ( Like most people should) and forgot all about things and started to love the people.

I know this is going to be a new concept to those rich yuppie cocksuckers who serve their dinner on the good silver platter, and eat with the silver that came over on the Mayflower, and to them I say FUCK RIGHT THE FUCK OFF! I’m mean really how much thanks do you have to give for a meal that you did nothing to help make? Hell you probably did nothing more then provide the money to buy the fucking thing. And your staff did the rest. WHOOP-A-DEE-DOO! Now get the fuck off of my planet.

We had everything planned. I was cooking the whole dinner and then Bouby and I were to transport it over to G-ma’s so G-pa wouldn’t have to get out and about. Then some how (I don’t want to point fingers, and I won’t) it got so fucked up in the last 3 days that we are now supposed to spend Thanksgiving dinner at the “Hometown Buffet” .

So we are boycotting that and spending most of the day on the road and then dessert at the G-parents place after they dump the rest of the herd.

Or I we could sneak over to the gay brothers place and have a rainbow thanksgiving, but that is mainly a liquid lunch and watching boys kiss each other, which is like masturbating with a cheese grater….mildly amusing but mostly painful.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I sent a link to my Co-worker concerning Pete's "Let the oil companies make a metric ass load of cash even when it costs me a pound of flesh to fill up my truck" entry, and this is the email I got back:


Sorry mate, I disagree with the man. I think the bloody industry is a
cartel and we are forced to pay the piper as he calls the tune. I feel
we are seeing price fixing and price gouging supported by alarmist news
networks(shocker). I don't agree that this is somehow keeping us out the
Middle East when that's where the sodding oil is coming from that
they’re making profits on (especially with the notion of the laughable
ANWAR reserve that could power America for about six months before
sputtering dry) and I don't see how we can make some cause and effect
link to the use of sustainable technology R&D without any true evidence.
Quid pro quo a company cannot invest in R&D without profit, but do you
really believe that the energy companies are investing in energy
efficiency excluding methods of extracting energy to maintain their
bottom line? I honestly don’t believe their marketing hype and I don’t
think they're looking out for mankind - it generally takes lean and
hungry companies to do that (who that become fat and happy companies).

The other angle on this discussion is the refinery infrastructure in
this country; it is creaking with age, full to capacity, at risk from
terrorist attack, located in a hurricane zone and at desperate risk of
collapse through simple decrepitude. It's my understanding that this
same industry is demanding the government subsidize improvements to
refineries and that by using this stalling tactic they avoid expanding
capacity and delivering lower, stable fuel prices at the pump. I could
be full of shit and I have no source to cite (but that didn't seem to
hurt his case).

I genuinely am a socialist in this country when I read stuff like this -
I think the oil industry shouldn't make excessive profits when the price
of gasoline at retail is causing immense pressures in a country
literally wholly dependent on the stuff while fucking us on taxes and
environmental damage. Their gain is a huge fiscal loss to all industry
everywhere - trucking, construction, retail, service, travel, strip
clubs, etc...

Now, I could be utterly naïve in thinking I'm right as the truth behind
their net profit increase may have nothing to do with gasoline at the
pump - the oil industry is a rich and varied tapestry of markets and
products. But, I feel that we are in a recession, fueled by media panic,
and that they aren't helping.

What would I do about it - examine the homogenization that has taken
place in the industry and the true lack of choice we now face. Examine
the ways they manipulate the tax laws and pollute our environment and
have them help pay the medical and clean up bills we incur. Finally I
would simply have them say sorry 'cos I'm a pussy liberal and that
matters to me (kidding on the last one).

Oh yeah, here's another pussy liberal source I read tonight (it marries
my gut reaction that the oil companies are saying one thing and wall
papering another) it's called Newsweek (they seem to hate Bush this
month so no doubt they're all communists):

The major oil companies are divided on the severity of the problem and
the need to diversify into renewables. ExxonMobil execs have said they
will continue to focus exclusively on fossil fuels. Companies like
Chevron, Shell and BP are funneling small percentages of profits into
alternative energies like wind, solar and hydrogen, but those
investments are minuscule compared with budgets for oil exploration.

But some of these companies are beginning to acknowledge the changing
oil equation in other ways. This year, Chevron unveiled an estimated $30
million to $40 million ad campaign, "Will You Join Us?," and asserted
that "the era of easy oil is over." BP stands for "Beyond Petroleum," as
the company now advertises, and in May, General Electric initiated its
own $90 million "ecomagination" marketing blitz, promoting some of its
businesses, like wind power and water purification.

So when all is said and done and the gas bills hit your door mat have a
think - do they really deserve to fuck me this hard with this big a
stick or should they not make shit loads of money while old and poor
people freeze to death (as happens every year) as their heating is cut
off. What a pussy I am, hey?

Tongue in cheak and pulling your leg but showing my true colors, your
raging pinky, homo, 'Nationalize the Bastards', Euro, friend,

Guest Writer

Also don't forget to Check out my buddy Al, he is a photographer, and a fucking awesome one at that! so use all of the linky goodness on the left there and if you need some pics taken, call Al.

I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.


I got into an argument …well ok a discussion with a co-worker yesterday about the rising cost off gas, or the presumed falling price of gas and he was arguing the common side of “Fuel companies are making more money then God!!” They don’t need that much money.” I tried to use Pete’s argument concerning the fact that, the oil companies are using all of that “extra” money to do research for alternative fuel vehicles. I was then told that was pure and utter bullshit.

I was shocked. Would Pete give me bad info? I don’t think so he has never given me bad intel before, why would he start now? Then said co-worker explained his position, stating that if this was true they would have brought forth these plans a long time ago.

WHEW! I was relieved, for a minute there I thought he had a valid point. I then explained to him that the reason the oil company’s hadn’t brought forth these inventions was because there was still oil. There would be no reason for them to make any of these fuel saving, or alternative fuel vehicles until oil was so scarce that someone was still willing to pay 25 bucks a gallon for it. I mean really that is just basic economics. Take what we have and sell it until it is all gone of there is no demand for it.

If America would have invested in the use of hemp oil instead of petroleum, we would have a renewable natural resource that would last for ever. Unfortunately someone figured out that the better strains of hemp did really mellow things to a body if you smoked it and research has faltered, BUT Twinkie sales have sky rocketed. Again, unfortunately Twinkies are made with petroleum oil, which is why the shelf life on a Twinkie is 30-60 years.

So while our soldiers are fighting and dying for some oil, and our researchers are getting high and eating Twinkies, the good Reverend Fred Phelps is pissing me right the fuck off. Does anyone want to join me in a church fire bombing? Possibly a full frontal axe handle assault on his congregation? I’m not sure if everyone has heard his latest claim to fame but this fire and brimstone asshat PICKETED a fallen American Soldier’s FUNERAL!

This is straight off of their “hate site”:

The Epic of the Potter and the Clay
Elkhart, Indiana
Friday, November 11, 2005, 12:35 – 1:15 pm
(Timothy B. Phelps)
Isaiah 29:15 Woe unto them that seek deep to hide their counsel from the LORD,
and their works are in the dark, and they say, Who seeth us? and who knoweth
us?
The bastards1 of law enforcement in Elkhart, Indiana took counsel with the local bastard
veterans and biker cowards to prepare what they imagined would be a terrifying display
of aggression without remedy to the WBC Tachmonites coming into their jurisdiction to
cry against an alter of their false god “patriotism”.
We arrived a little early and perceived the votaries of the false religion were preparing
their aggression, so we set the conflict in array. Brightly colored “Thank God For Dead
Soldiers”, “Thank God for IEDs” and “America is Doomed” signs hit their eyes, and the
angry caterwauling erupted. The girly-men were shocked with the site of little Josiah
going eyeball-to-eyeball with the leather-clad has-beens. Rachel, Sara, Bekah, Isaiah,
Grace and I joined little Josiah to take the sidewalk territory a mere fifty feet from the
dead marine worship.
It was not long before the agreement between the local loser law enforcement and the
biker trash became apparent. Biker trash and vulgar veterans figured they would simply
cover the whole of the sidewalk with their fat carcasses, gradually forcing the messengers
of God farther and farther away from the event. The cops would do nothing to regulate
the freaks’ behavior, while giving arbitrary orders to our number to keep walking and
stay on the sidewalk.
It didn’t work. Before long, the biker chicks had to virtually run into the path of the
campy picketers, and when the lazy slobs couldn’t keep that up, they resorted to getting
physical. Cops stood lazily by watching, mocking, and smirking.
“God Hates Fags”, “God Hates You”, “God Hates America”, “God Sent the IEDs”,
“Don’t Pray for the USA”, and “God is America’s Terrorist” signs rose above the crowd
of farting, burping, cursing, and threatening military and biker thugs like shining lamps
1 Hebrews 12:8 But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not
sons.
unto our feet and brought to the wicked many sorrows.2 From one end of the sidewalk to
the other, the grousing pigs grew increasingly frustrated and angry.
Following the hellish zeitgeist driving the false prophet, Senator Brent Steele, these
Indiana fools imagine that God will not see their counsels and their works. Since we
consider ourselves equal-opportunity preachers, we decided to give them a small lesson
on how the events outside the funeral of Maj. Gerald Bloomfield II would be viewed by
God, his saints, and the elect angels.
Isaiah 29:16 Surely your turning of things upside down shall be esteemed as the
potter’s clay: for shall the work say of him that made it, He made me not? or shall
the thing framed say of him that framed it, He had no understanding?
We were every form of vile creature because we did not worship the filthy flag and the
bones of the fool who died playing IED soccer over in Iraq! Like the rabid pack of
sodomites about Lot’s house, these unrestrained beasts3 surrounded us, pushed us
violently, and spat on us. The law enforcement turned blind eyes, with many of them
(including the Asst. Chief) moving through the crowd, standing shoulder-to-shoulder
with the criminals, encouraging them to continue and increase their crimes.
This violent turning of reality upside down4 is the essence of their perversion, for God
has assuredly sent them strong delusion!5 For all their violent efforts, they had to get
near enough to hear the words of the Tachmonites, telling them of their certain darkness
and certain destruction. Rachel explained the filthiness of the flag and the nation of
earth-dwelling God haters it represents, using the stage built by the enraged biker chicks.
Isaiah and Grace calmly taunted them with sharp barbs of Bible truth, while dismissing
the rotund and angry rimmers with a look and tone of “you’re so not relevant!” The
potter shall assuredly break them into pieces.6
I, the meanwhile, gave them a good go at exercising by leading the crowd out into
easements, streets, and medians to effectively cause more of the primary sidewalk path to
be vacated for other preachers. A plain clothed officer enjoying his malice ordered me
(not the 50 men feverishly attempting to block me) back out of the street and onto the
sidewalk. I took the opportunity to preach about the vengeance of God, taking my text
2 Psalms 119:105 NUN. Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path; Psalms 32:10 Many
sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the LORD, mercy shall compass him about.
3 2 Peter 2:12 But these, as natural brute beasts, made to be taken and destroyed, speak evil of the things
that they understand not; and shall utterly perish in their own corruption;
Jude 1:10 But these speak evil of those things which they know not: but what they know naturally, as brute
beasts, in those things they corrupt themselves.
4 Isaiah 5:20 Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for
darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
5 2 Thessalonians 2:11 And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a
lie: The triple-pack of lies are 1) God loves everybody, 2) it’s okay to be gay, and 3) anyone who preaches
otherwise must be vilified, demonized, marginalized, and if possible killed!
6 Psalms 2:9 Thou shalt break them with a rod of iron; thou shalt dash them in pieces like a potter’s vessel.
from Jeremiah’s prophecy concerning Anathoth7. I promised the Assistant Chief we
would be returning to celebrate God’s condign punishment of the wicked citizens of
Elkhart, Indiana.
Being wise as serpents, we finished our preachments and efficiently left that city, shaking
the dust thereof from our shoes. With delight in our hearts and prayers of thanksgiving
and deprecation, we traveled home to share our stories of another land occupied.

Aren’t the Phelps’ articulate? Little Timmy sure does know how to sling the shit and name call doesn’t he? I would like to see a parade of Veterans and queers descend upon Topeka like the plague of locusts Fred has been preaching about for 40 + years. Bring the country together in an all encompassing “down with intolerance and hate” campaign where fags, and dykes and trannies march shoulder to shoulder with marines, and dog faced army soldiers, and the VFW and any American…nay Any HUMAN who can see these people for who and what they are. Hate Mongers and fanatics. How long will it be before we see these fucking fanatics start strapping bombs to themselves and wandering into bath houses and gay clubs across America? When do we as a race of people take a stand against such blatant wrong?

I have some old rags and a gas can…any takers?

Here are some bullet point bulletins.


1) Bouby has to have a root canal
2) As smoe of you know my college's (one of them anyway lost their football coach to family! Not that I blame him, his family has lasted longer then the K-State winning streak and it is about time he got back on a winning team. And at least he didn't divorce his wife like that nut Jimmy Johnson did when he got the Dallas job. God Bless Bill Snyder.
3) I had to give some of the people here at work a lesson in blogging yesterday and now I doubt seriously that I will be talking about work...EVER again! I just think my frustrations could come off being anti work ...which I'm not I am just occasionaly frustrated.
4) I need to go hunting yet haven't got the $125 I'd spend just in gas money to get there...I miss my Camery.
5) Is it wrong to need a drink by 9 am?
6) Here is a list of thoughts that make you go HMMMMMM....
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism .
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to
where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we
should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

I wonder if I will ever do more with my life? Does anyone ever ask themselfs that question? I mean I'm really pretty happy, I could use a touch more money, but who...besides Bill Gates, couldn't? But over all I'm pretty happy, but is there something around the bend that I just can't see and if I'm not looking I'll walk right past it? Is there something else I should be doing?


Humm......??

Well I’m fucking a little pissy right this fucking second.

Out of all of the cool fun shit that was supposed to go down this weekend, none of it really did.

I was supposed to go to VA and see my cousin’s, plane left on WEDNESDAY instead of the Thursday night everyone thought it was scheduled for. I know we needed to listen to our inner voice and should have check the itinerary, but we didn’t so I missed the plane, and after a day of trying to force the issue and get there by hook or by crook, we decided to reschedule for early December.

Opening day of Pheasant season was Saturday. I had a big plan to go hunting with a bunch of my buddies from high school that I hooked up with at my 20 year reunion. BUT then the trip to VA came around and I cancelled, and then by the time we got shit figured out, it was too late to go.

I also passed on a trip to go see K-State play Nebraska. That one doesn’t hurt so bad since they fucking lost!! But on a good note the QB for KSU Is a freshman and they only have a handful of seniors leaving so there is a chance for them to become better over the course of a couple of seasons.

Now I get to pimp out a friend of mine. This Guy Is a fantastic photographer and he is finally hanging out his shingle and is going to try and make a few extra nickels, I have all of the faith in the world that he will succeed. (Pete you might want to look into using him for the WEDDING!) Anyway check him out and don’t hold it against him that he is English, he really can’t help that, but he does try and hide it by sounding like an Australian. But he has competitive rates and a great eye. And he is only paying me a pittance to say all of the god things about him.

At the very least go to his website and pretend to look around just so he can see a spike in web traffic…he’ll buy me lunch for that anyway.

So now it is Sunday and Bouby and I are glued to the tube, we need the Giants to win, and everyone else to loose. Because if that happened then we would only have 4 people left in the elimination pool and then we would be better off to win the 2K, and how nice of a Xmas present would that be?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CHICK EATING?




Well the fucking Giants lost to the asshammer filled Viking team. So Bouby and I are out of the elimination pool. Stupid Eli "Choke" Manning decides to have the worst game of 2005 just when I decided he wasn't a complete dickhead.

Go check out the damage I did on Clarity's site!

And in the mean time here is a friend of mine with Billy Idol!

Wow What a GAME!!

Ok more like WOW what a half!

The second half of the Chiefs / Raiders game was a good game. The first half was a defensive struggle where field goal kickers ruled the day. And then it became a good game.

And the Raiders made one mistake with .20 seconds left in the game and the chefs capitalized on the mistake and the chefs won the game. It was a very emotional win and I take nothing away from the hard fought win by the chefs. HOWEVER the entire game as the Raiders were ahead and I was being quiet and enjoying the game, so were the chef fans. Right up until the chefs got ahead. Then the fans became the worse fans on the planet.

I was taking a picture of the extra point OF THE CHEFS second touchdown, and because one of the Raiders players was a guy I used to hang with on occasion when I was in college, but the guy who was so nice all game long, asked me if I had got a picture of that last touchdown…not a bad dig, but the tone of his voice had turned from friendly to one of aristocracy and disdain. I couldn’t believe it. Here I was THE RAIDER fan, hated throughout the league, and yes there is a precedence, there are a bunch of Raider fans who ar3e rowdy. But then again there are rowdy fans from every team. But for someone to be nice to me for the first ¾ of the game and then start talking shit when you FINNALLY get ahead shows no class.

And then on the way out some chefs fans decided to taunt the losing fans who had driven a RV from either Oakland or Illinois I’m not sure where and whew wee! I don’t think those fans will be doing much taunting in the future. They got their asses handed to them very handedly. It was funny. The whole time we walked back to the car, I was taunted for a supporting a losing effort. One drunk was yelling “Where are all of the Raiders fans now!!” and about the third time I heard him say that I hollered back “Right fucking here” and he spun around ready to hurl insults at the mysterious raider fan, right up until he realized he barely made it to my chest and then he was a lot quieter, and his friends joined him in showing some respect. It is amazing how much respect you can get from a drunk when you stand 6’2” and weigh in around 320lbs. (I’m a petite flower!)

Fucking fair weather fans.

You should have heard the bad mouthing the chef fans did for their own team. I couldn’t believe it. Support your own team and show some fucking class when it comes to sportsmanship. I was raised to play hard and do your best and at the end of the day shake the other guys hand and wish him well even if you lose. But to act like a stack of assholes laid end to end who couldn’t make a beer fart in a whirlwind, is just bad form. And I don’t care what team you are cheering for. I even saw a young woman holding a sign that read “Third generation Raider Hater”


Here are some groovy pics!

This is the opening play.
The Raider Defense

Randy Moss...his entire contribution was one catch for 7 yards for a TD. and then we lost the game with this play.....
The Coffin Nail with no time on the clock.

Number 92...This is BIG Ted Washington...6'5" 365 is what he is listed as. He is more like 6'8" 400. This guy was as wide as both the center and the guard for KC combined.

This fucking guy yelled the DUMBEST shit I have ever heard. Stuff like "A forward pass isn't illegal" When the Chefs were winning and trying to run the clock down with running plays to ensure a victory. I also think he was a little mad at me for sitting in his section with my raider shirt on. He was rumored to be the leader of some weird baby snatching cult as well but I can't confirm that.
Gratious Cheerleader picture.

Random butt picture!! This lady and her Hubby made a real cute couple, they had the kid sitting next to me take their picture, and made him stand up to do it so the field would be in the back ground. AWWW

The Big Screen on the east end of the field.

A sea of RED!!

Ok enough is enough! a good time was had by most...KC Fans...find some sportmansship! No wait a minute, ALL Fans find some sportsmanship. Without it we are no better then Terrel Owens...and he was benched for being an asshole.

Please don't teach the baby to hate.

Great Googly Moogly! I mispelled the CHIEFS....

******NEW*************
I will be spending eternity having...

Are You Damned?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

I'M GOING TO THE GAME BABY!! AND I'M TAKING PICTURES!!

Oh what a fun night of giving kids cavities! We had some good costumes come by, the first was a pair of chubby little princesses that probably should reconsider their costumes for next year.

But the funniest one was when batman and TWO robins showed up. These guys were no older then 4-5 maybe, and they were so damned cute I thought “Hummm maybe kids aren’t that evil…” right up until Batman jammed his hand into my candy bowl AFTER I had already given him his candy, and stole a couple of Bouby’s favorites the Reese’s Peanut Butter cup. I then thought “YOU FUCKING SNOT JOCKY GET OFF OF MY FUCKING PORCH!!”

But over all it was a good time, well right up until I decided to find out what the hype was over these “Nerds” candy that Bouby also loves. She handed me a box of “orange” nerds exclaiming that she cannot eat anymore because her tummy was hurting. I was like OK, What are these things anyway? Ands she said try them.

I opened the box to discover the weirdly shaped little turds were indeed colored bright orange. I pondered the attraction to little turd like candies and then I dumped the miniscule box into my mouth.

As I started chewing, this burst of flavor that can be described only as “OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT HAVE I PUT IN MY MOUTH? HORSE SHIT CAN’T TASTE THIS BAD!” took over. Needless to say Bouby sat on the couch rolling with laughter as my eyes watered and taste buds burned and I slowly slid into a soury sugar coma.

Worst candy ever! I’m surprised that our house didn’t get egged.

About 18 years ago I was visiting my Dad the OC (Original Cowboy), and it was Fair time in Concordia KS. For those of you who know nothing about small town county fairs, well there is goings on there that would make the more decent of city slickers wince in pain. Stuff like demolition derby’s, rodeo’s, livestock judging, pie eating contests…pretty much the corniest parts of “Little House on the Prairie”

And since I was/am just a touch redneck I like watching some of this shit live and in person. Well as I was walking around the fairgrounds with my Pops, he was talking to every person there. Literally, he is one of those guys who knows everyone or they know him. It is scary. As we are walking through the throngs of people I see a kid who is a couple of years younger then me and one of his buddies making a bee line for me and Dad.

“You wanna be in the wild cow milking contest with us?” He asked

Wild cow milking? I replied questioningly

“Yeah ! we need another mugger, and you would be good at it, I’ve seen you steer wrassle”

(It’s true I was a steer wrassler in a former life) Ok what do I have to do?

“Well as soon as the buzzer sounds you run out and grab a hold of a rope that is around the cows neck and you hold her while one of us milks her.

That’s it?

Yup, all we have to do is bring back one drop of milk and we win. Larry has already paid the enrty fee so we’re set.

Ok I want to watch the first have of the rodeo with my dad, come get me when it is time.

So Dad and I get into the stands and watch the first part of the rodeo which was pretty non exciting except for the little kids riding tiny ponies at break neck speeds(3-4 MPH) around the barrels

Lance come and tells me the next event is the wild cow milking and we head to the side gate of the arena. I then notice the cows. They were FUCKING HUGE!! I mean easily 1200-1500 lb cows. Full grown loaded with milk old school cows! I was a little nervous. But the good part was that the prize money was up along $400.00 so we would all get a $133.33 and at that time as a starving college football player, I would have done a lot worse for a hundred and change.

So our team of 3 rednecks wander out to the starting line with the rest of the cowboys who are trying to recoup their entry fees by belittling themselves in a silly contest instead of being gored by bulls for the crowds enjoyment. The announcer said ready set go, and we bolted for the cows.

The cows didn’t know what to expect. They were standing there warily looking at us lined up about 30 yards from them. When we started running at them all hell broke loose and a dozen cows turned and fled. We were hot on their tails! The third guy to our team , whose name zI can’t remember so I’ll call him Bud, Bud was a little wiry guy and he was fast as hell. Now don’t forget this was back when I was in shape, not the afflicted “Big Chair ass” sloth I am today. So when he flew past me and found the end of a rope, I followed him.

I grabbed the end of the rope just as he was chasing it up towards the cows head. But as he did this naturally the cow felt the tension on the other end of the line (Just like fishing), and she headed for the other end of the arena. She wasn’t expecting a offensive lineman to be on the other end. Her head was jerked around and I was face to face with 1200 pounds of scared cow. Bud was no where to be found I think he fell down.

The cow and I looked at each other for the briefest of seconds and then she bolted right at me. I held on to the rope tightly trying to get a good hold of her head with my other hand and then I was horizontal. She had jerked me off of my feet and I was being drug through the arena. I was able to spin around and get my feet pointed at her and put the brakes on. I work my way up to her head while Bud is trying the same thing . About the time I get my arms around her she figures out that she doesn’t want anyone on her neck and struggles harder, but I get my fingers in her nose.

Yes I did. I used an old trick taught to me by my father. If you stick your fingers into the inside of each nostril and pinch really hard they will become docile. Well she didn’t really become docile, she became loud, and as I employed my steer wrasslin’ technique of turning her head around, she tipped over. Into my lap. I wrapped my legs around her neck and was screaming to Bud to fucking milk this bitch! And he did and took off running, with the coke bottle with a drop of milk in it.

We came in second place. One step behind the professional cowboys who stopped by because the Concordia fair is sanctioned by the NRF or some shit.

We didn’t get a dime.

I got beat up by a cow and didn’t get a dime.

On the way out of the arena in my tired state I failed to see the horseshit and stepped right in it.

What? Why didn’t I mention Lance? The kid who talked me and Bud into this shit? Well because that ass hammer was of no use to us and spent the entire time running in a circle and yelling, He walked out clean as he walked in.

The cocksucker.