Tuesday, November 01, 2005


Hello Wienny...

Oh what a fun night of giving kids cavities! We had some good costumes come by, the first was a pair of chubby little princesses that probably should reconsider their costumes for next year.

But the funniest one was when batman and TWO robins showed up. These guys were no older then 4-5 maybe, and they were so damned cute I thought “Hummm maybe kids aren’t that evil…” right up until Batman jammed his hand into my candy bowl AFTER I had already given him his candy, and stole a couple of Bouby’s favorites the Reese’s Peanut Butter cup. I then thought “YOU FUCKING SNOT JOCKY GET OFF OF MY FUCKING PORCH!!”

But over all it was a good time, well right up until I decided to find out what the hype was over these “Nerds” candy that Bouby also loves. She handed me a box of “orange” nerds exclaiming that she cannot eat anymore because her tummy was hurting. I was like OK, What are these things anyway? Ands she said try them.

I opened the box to discover the weirdly shaped little turds were indeed colored bright orange. I pondered the attraction to little turd like candies and then I dumped the miniscule box into my mouth.

As I started chewing, this burst of flavor that can be described only as “OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT HAVE I PUT IN MY MOUTH? HORSE SHIT CAN’T TASTE THIS BAD!” took over. Needless to say Bouby sat on the couch rolling with laughter as my eyes watered and taste buds burned and I slowly slid into a soury sugar coma.

Worst candy ever! I’m surprised that our house didn’t get egged.

About 18 years ago I was visiting my Dad the OC (Original Cowboy), and it was Fair time in Concordia KS. For those of you who know nothing about small town county fairs, well there is goings on there that would make the more decent of city slickers wince in pain. Stuff like demolition derby’s, rodeo’s, livestock judging, pie eating contests…pretty much the corniest parts of “Little House on the Prairie”

And since I was/am just a touch redneck I like watching some of this shit live and in person. Well as I was walking around the fairgrounds with my Pops, he was talking to every person there. Literally, he is one of those guys who knows everyone or they know him. It is scary. As we are walking through the throngs of people I see a kid who is a couple of years younger then me and one of his buddies making a bee line for me and Dad.

“You wanna be in the wild cow milking contest with us?” He asked

Wild cow milking? I replied questioningly

“Yeah ! we need another mugger, and you would be good at it, I’ve seen you steer wrassle”

(It’s true I was a steer wrassler in a former life) Ok what do I have to do?

“Well as soon as the buzzer sounds you run out and grab a hold of a rope that is around the cows neck and you hold her while one of us milks her.

That’s it?

Yup, all we have to do is bring back one drop of milk and we win. Larry has already paid the enrty fee so we’re set.

Ok I want to watch the first have of the rodeo with my dad, come get me when it is time.

So Dad and I get into the stands and watch the first part of the rodeo which was pretty non exciting except for the little kids riding tiny ponies at break neck speeds(3-4 MPH) around the barrels

Lance come and tells me the next event is the wild cow milking and we head to the side gate of the arena. I then notice the cows. They were FUCKING HUGE!! I mean easily 1200-1500 lb cows. Full grown loaded with milk old school cows! I was a little nervous. But the good part was that the prize money was up along $400.00 so we would all get a $133.33 and at that time as a starving college football player, I would have done a lot worse for a hundred and change.

So our team of 3 rednecks wander out to the starting line with the rest of the cowboys who are trying to recoup their entry fees by belittling themselves in a silly contest instead of being gored by bulls for the crowds enjoyment. The announcer said ready set go, and we bolted for the cows.

The cows didn’t know what to expect. They were standing there warily looking at us lined up about 30 yards from them. When we started running at them all hell broke loose and a dozen cows turned and fled. We were hot on their tails! The third guy to our team , whose name zI can’t remember so I’ll call him Bud, Bud was a little wiry guy and he was fast as hell. Now don’t forget this was back when I was in shape, not the afflicted “Big Chair ass” sloth I am today. So when he flew past me and found the end of a rope, I followed him.

I grabbed the end of the rope just as he was chasing it up towards the cows head. But as he did this naturally the cow felt the tension on the other end of the line (Just like fishing), and she headed for the other end of the arena. She wasn’t expecting a offensive lineman to be on the other end. Her head was jerked around and I was face to face with 1200 pounds of scared cow. Bud was no where to be found I think he fell down.

The cow and I looked at each other for the briefest of seconds and then she bolted right at me. I held on to the rope tightly trying to get a good hold of her head with my other hand and then I was horizontal. She had jerked me off of my feet and I was being drug through the arena. I was able to spin around and get my feet pointed at her and put the brakes on. I work my way up to her head while Bud is trying the same thing . About the time I get my arms around her she figures out that she doesn’t want anyone on her neck and struggles harder, but I get my fingers in her nose.

Yes I did. I used an old trick taught to me by my father. If you stick your fingers into the inside of each nostril and pinch really hard they will become docile. Well she didn’t really become docile, she became loud, and as I employed my steer wrasslin’ technique of turning her head around, she tipped over. Into my lap. I wrapped my legs around her neck and was screaming to Bud to fucking milk this bitch! And he did and took off running, with the coke bottle with a drop of milk in it.

We came in second place. One step behind the professional cowboys who stopped by because the Concordia fair is sanctioned by the NRF or some shit.

We didn’t get a dime.

I got beat up by a cow and didn’t get a dime.

On the way out of the arena in my tired state I failed to see the horseshit and stepped right in it.

What? Why didn’t I mention Lance? The kid who talked me and Bud into this shit? Well because that ass hammer was of no use to us and spent the entire time running in a circle and yelling, He walked out clean as he walked in.

The cocksucker.

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