Tuesday, August 11, 2009


If socialists had BALLS

If Socialists had BALLS
By Fredrick Rohs

I was mowing the yard today and I got to thinking (that’s when I do my best thinking, btw), “Man, the world is a mess right now. Someone needs to clean it up!”
Now clearly our leaders have been trying to do… stuff. But seriously, does anyone buy that it will work? No. And you know why not. Because the problems in this country boil down to one thing. Freedom.
I know, I know, “Hold on there a second, Mister. What do you mean messing with our freedom and all?” Well, it’s basically like this. You all are just too stupid to handle freedom. Freedom allows people to do what they want. And as we all know, what we want is never good for us. Hence, all this freedom has got to go.
Now I’ve heard a lot of talk lately about our President, and how a lot of people say he’s a socialist. I disagree based on the fact that he has no balls. I do agree that he is a Liberal, and I originally thought of titling this article, “If Liberals had Balls”, but if liberals had balls they would be Socialists.
So, what we really need is one of those no-pussyfooting around old school Socialist leaders. They would know how to cut through all this freedom crap and get at the root of the problem. Of course, you might be thinking, “Aren’t there still several socialist leaders out there.” Yea, but most of them are more than lacking in the manhood department.
Canada has always been pussy. France hasn’t had a pair since WWII. Italy never had any. Cuba looks like it’s getting soft. Even Russia and China have gone nellie. Only that guy in North Korea has still got a set… even though he looks funny.
So what would happen, say if I was the most awesome socialist leader with the biggest set of nards the world has ever seen?
First problem. Health care. This one is in the news a lot right now, and of course our limp-wristed leaders will do the usual and make a screwed up mess even worse. But if you remove freedom from the equation, the answer is simple. Make fast/processed food and cigarettes illegal. Done. Next problem.
Dependence on foreign oil/energy prices/global warming and the rest of the imagined crisises. Easy. Make cars illegal. Yup.
You see how easy this is. And the beauty is how they all tie together. If cars are illegal people will have to walk or bike, and therefore get exercise improving their health. Yeah, I’ve got some balls.
Of course you are probably wondering what I’ll do with all the cry-babies walking around whining about being out of work and their feet hurting. Chill out, I’ve got this.
The other big problem with our country is that it is falling apart. Everything we’ve made here is cheap and stupid and ugly. And now broken as well.
Well, get to work America. We’re doing things right this time. A real rail system that is on time and fast and doesn’t wreck. Build it. An energy grid that doesn’t have black outs and can handle the new energy demands and power sources from my massive nuclear power plants. Nuclear Power, you say? Yes! Because nukes are for people with balls.
Another thing I get tired of is all the money we waste on fixing things that are stupid in the first place. Take New Orleans for instance. The city is on a sand bar below sea level. Hello. Doz it. Historical? Cultural? It’s dirty and smells. Not to mention it’s sinking. Sorry folks, got to go.
Every year we spend billions on repairing lines just so that they can be knocked down again by every tree limb and ice storm or tornado that happens to come along. Do I really have to figure this out for you people? Bury the lines. You, over there, rubbing your swollen feet. You wanna eat today? Then get a shovel and shut up.
My Father lives in Georgia. They’ve just come out of 5 year drought. Meanwhile we’ve had flooding in several other states, some bordering Georgia. How hard can this be? You mean to tell me we can build a pipeline for oil all the way from Alaska but we can’t get water from one state to another? What has the Corps of Engineers been doing the last 50 years anyway? Forget the Great Wall of China. We’ll build the biggest Waterslide/Aqueduct System the earth has ever seen.
I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing about the economy. Our president seems to think you can just print the problem away. But this is the kind of thing you can expect from someone who was born without balls. This has become such a colossal mess, but really the best solution is the easiest. No more money. None. Nothing. Nada. Nil. Redistribution of wealth is for pansies! Remove the problem once and for all.
Another thing I’m tired of hearing about is illegal immigrants. This is easy. We use our borders as giant national landfills. Cross that.
As for all the idle automobile factories, they’ll be part of the military, retooled to build my army of giant robots. Not another American will die in war again… unless they get stepped on. Every giant robot will be equipped with a large set of, you guessed it, BALLS! Just in case there is any doubt.
I could go on and on, but obviously you have seen the light of my brilliance and are even now wondering how we can make it happen. Well comrades, it’s simple. Lay down your freedom, join me, and grab your balls.

<< Home