SMELLS LIKE BULLSHIT

Tig screamed back “Don’t shoot, you fucking piñata heads!, you’ll hit me!”
Jose and Juan froze, Juan still crying with his pepper laden face still burning like the day after a jalapeno eating contest, and Jose, just lay there grasping his knees in pain “Madre de dios!”
I walked out using Tig as a tiny shield. I stopped at the bar and took the hand cannon out of ½ blind Juan’s hands, I didn’t want to leave them armed with more than that had when they came in, and I knew I sure the hell didn’t want that gargoyle to wake up with a split lip, PMS AND a .50 caliber Desert Eagle…Vance lives on the edge, but that was just lunacy.
“Vance doesn’t want anyone to leave this shit hole for 5 minutes! I’ll drive up hwy 513 and drop Tig at the phone booth, how you find him, Vance leaves up to how well you listen to these instructions”
“Do as he say! Do as he say”
That was a pretty good Sheriff Bart impersonation Tig!” I say as we walk out to get into the Betsy the Goat.
“Fuck you Cracker, when I get through with you you’ll wish I was never born!”
“Sorry Tig you have to be this high to threaten Vance”
I toss Tig into the passenger seat and fire up the old GTO Betsy. As I tear out of the parking lot I spray gravel and get squirrely. God I love this car.
So as I drove and tried to block out Tig’s constant chatter and idle threats I had to do some thinking, first what was that tasty dish’s name that spanked me with the canoe paddle last time I was at the cabin? She was a beautiful blonde Swedish goddess type, well over 6 foot tall and built like one of the Alps….I was hoping to run into her again as I made my way up to the cabin and see Mike. Second, how did all this fit together? Was Pauly just a distributor? Did he have an inside man at the port authority?
I noticed that I had almost passed the phone booth where I said I was going to leave Tig , so I slowed down a bit, looked at Tig, all wrapped up like a burrito, and said “don’t for get to tuck and roll, try bending your knees when you land” Tig’s eyes got as big around as dinner plates and he started squealing like a little girl. I reached over and grabbed the door handle, and pushed Tig out.
As I looked into the rear view mirror I saw his tiny body skip and bounce right up to the edge of the phone booth…in horse shoes that shot would be worth 2 points.
Sierra Minerals was just past Reno up 395. It was an old Silver mine that they had reopened 15 years ago when a freak earthquake uncovered a vein of borax or some such shit, I heard it on the radio during a workout. As I pointed Betsy south I thought I better give Watts a call. I dug into my pocket looking for his card, not in the right pocket, not in either back pockets, where the hell did that card go. …Then it hit me, that 2 mins I was knocked out, that chump must have taken a souvenir.
Damnit.
So no call to Watts, a new lead at the mines, and I needed a power bar and a water.
45 minutes later I pull into the parking lot of the head offices of Sierra Mineral Mining Corp. As I walk into the front door I am greeted by a sight that would have made the masters weep. She was bronze, her black hair glimmered even under the harsh fluorescent lights, her immense chest was straining to bust out of her tight white blouse and then she smiled and the sun emanated from her mouth.
Vance was in a seriously deep case of lust.
”Welcome to Sierra Minerals, how can I help you?” Her voice had the unmistakable trace of a Polynesian accent, and my temperature shot up 5 degrees
“Vance needs to have your phone number and a meeting with Pauly”
“hmmm, Well Vance can have whatever he wants, my number is 513-4653, and I’ll get Pauly for you, please have a seat.”
As I sat down she turned to the left and I noticed that she was wearing a short skirt and as she stood she gave me a peek at what I would be getting when I called….Island Smoothy with a hint of coconut oil, My favorite.
I took in my surroundings as I waited. The office was like every other office I had seen in any corporate environment, harsh and bad for morale. I could never work in a place like this. If I did, I would welcome a disgruntled worker bursting in and killing me. I have a bit of a problem with people making counterfeit liquor having anything resembling a corporate office with a hot secretary.