Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Courtesy of Trashman.......
"I sure do. You remember that dive nudie bar on the East side of town?" I took another sip of my club soda and thought for a minute. "Do you mean Perkys?" "It used to be Perkys now it's called Saggys." Carol told me. " Some little black fella named Tig Biddys bought the place." What do you mean little? Short or skinny?" "I mean little as in midget. He also wears a patch over his eye." "Vance needs to know which eye. Vance doesn't want to talk to the wrong little one eyed black person." " Well Vinny it depends" "It's Vance and it depends on what?" "It depends on which eye he happens to put it over. He ain't blind. He just thinks it makes him more intimidating" "More? How intimidating can a little person be?" "Real intimidating when you have a pair of 6'5" Mexican bookends following you every where you go." "Vance thanks you for the info Carol. Now Vance has to go pay a visit to a certain Tig Biddys" "You're more than welcome Vic and you be sure to stop by again next time you're up this way. That is if you survive Saggys" 'Vance the name is Vance." "OK Vince."
I left the parking lot of Carols place headed East. I just needed to find a high end organic vegetable market first
I managed to find a what I was looking for in a little neighborhood that had been taken over by hipsters and yuppies. You could always count on these people to have places to buy strange inedible foods and good looking women. Lots of good looking women.
I grabbed one of those little baskets that you carry for small purchases and made my way to the vegetable section. I picked out a few Bhut Jolokia peppers. Also known as the hottest pepper in the world. From there I walked over to the ethnic foods section and got a jar of Dave's Insanity Sauce. Possible the hottest hot sauce in the universe. Then I picked up some coffee filters, bottled water, balloons, a bowl and a funnel. I had everything I needed.
I proceeded to the checkout with my goodies. I picked a lane with a hot little number at the cash register. After waiting an eternity I finally put my shit on the counter and looked into the cashiers eyes. She looked back at me and smiled. It would have been a pretty smile too if it wasn't for the fact she was missing her two front teeth. Oh well, Vance isn't always picky. I laid it on thick. "Hey pretty lady. Vance REALLY likes what he sees. In fact Vance might be persuaded to make a little time for you this weekend. Vance could clear his schedule, just for you. If you're real lucky Vance might let you slather his ass in peanut butter." The smile disappeared quickly. Vance was glad too, that gap was starting to annoy Vance. " "Let me tell you something Vance. I got my teeth knocked out eating pussy. I'm so good at it my bitch kicked me in the mouth during an orgasm. I like pussy. Pussy likes me. So unless you have a pussy, you might want to leave your schedule the way it is. Now will that be cash or charge?" I stood in stunned silence for a bit and wondered if I could convince her my dick was really a giant clit. "Cash. Vance always pays cash." I should have kept some more of that funny money.
I made my way to my car and popped the trunk. Vance had bombs to build. Pepper bombs. I've used pepper bombs before but this time I was dealing with Mexicans. Sometimes they build up a tolerance to the heat because they grow up in the pepper fields. That's why I picked the hottest stuff I could find. My mixture should stop a charging rhino. I stretched the balloons and in the bowl I mixed the peppers, sauce and water. I shoved the funnel into a balloon inserted a coffee filter into the funnel and poured some of the concoction into the first balloon. The tricky part is holding the funnel and pouring while stretching the balloon as far as you can. Since there's no pressure you need the stretch to get in as much as you can. The cheaper the balloon the better. After I managed to get the balloons filled I put them in a backpack I had in the trunk and headed for Saggys.
I really hated going into Saggys on the offensive but a sometimes one eyed midget with a couple of Mexican bodyguards wasn't going to give up the 411 without some persuading.
Carol was right about calling Saggys a dive bar. I bet you could see day light through the bullet holes.
I saddled up to the bar and ordered a club soda from the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I turned around and faced the pole and changed my mind the dancer was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I wasn't there for more than 45 seconds before Tig Biddys showed himself. He was flanked by twin Mexican mountains and they were headed right at me. I set my drink down and reached into my backpack and readied myself. Tig spoke first. "I hear youse is looking for me." Someone from Carols must have called and tipped him off. "Well my friend you would be misinformed. Vance isn't looking for anyone. Vance is here to watch the pretty ladies on the pole." This only pissed the little guy off. "Vance? Your name is Vance? As in Vance Manion the personal trainer and private dick?" "The one and only." "Well private dick, kiss your balls goodbye." That was the signal. The Mexicans made their move and I was ready. I yanked two of the balloons out of the backpack and smashed them both in the face. Tweedle Jose went down screaming and clawing at his face. Tweedle Juan stood there, wiped his eyes, smiled and said "Is that all you got Puto." I shrugged and kicked him in both knees rapidly breaking them. He went down like a busted pinata. I spun around, grabbed my drink and slapped the ugly bartender in the face with it. Vance doesn't normally hit women but she was bringing up a .50 caliber Desert Eagle and Vance doesn't like getting shot either.
Now it was me, Tig and one nasty dancer. The dancer turned and ran. Tig tried to run but I grabbed him by the collar and carried him into the mens room. I kicked open a stall door. The toilet was running over and full of a weeks worth of shit. I took Tig by the ankles and held him over the toilet. "Alright Tig start talking."