Thursday, April 19, 2007

I am not a lawn guy.

I was doing my Bi-monthly outside step aerobics class night while pushing my 80LB 4 wheeled grass reducer and I figured out some very important shit. There are lawn guys and then there are non-lawn guys, I’m a non-lawn guy. I hate…NAY LOATHE cutting the grass. When I was a kid I had to mow the fucking grass every week, and if you have ever been to the Middle West you will know that most houses have decent sized yards, ¼-1/2 an acre. And when you’re low middle income that means a uncool hard to maneuver push mower. And if you’re me it meant a hand me down, beat up, oil drinking, smoke like mosquito abatement , pile of shit that you had to take the air cleaner sponge out every other time and clean it out with gasoline.
So I hate mowing. I caught a break when my family bought a house the summer after my freshman year in high school and moved to the middle class neighborhood, and we got a new mower….finally. I mowed the yard once, and my older brother threw a HISSY FIT, (kind of appropriate now that he is out of the closet), and we argued, it seem that cutting the grass in a circular pattern was not the middle class way of mowing the yard and I needed to cut it in lines like the outfield of some pro baseball team. Naturally this didn’t appeal to me at all since I hated the job anyway and going around in circles was the fastest way to finish the job.
So after much yelling at each other I walked into the house and told Mom, “I ain’t mowing that bitch again!” and went to take a shower.

I didn’t mow a yard for 15years…Well except my friends Grandma’s yard, who I would have killed…well maimed anyway, for. But she doesn’t count, because I got to go in circles.
But yesterday while mowing, I thought long and hard a (LOL I said long and hard!), about why some guys WANT to mow, and have a nice lawn, or one they perceive as nice anyway. Like my neighbor, fucking guy mows twice a week and waters it and fertilizes it, basically takes better care of the lawn then his wife. But I figured that he does that because of some weird transformation addiction. Like maybe the lawn guys have no order in anything else that they do so they have to obsess over their yard. It gives them peace. Or maybe they miss the glory days of competition. They were a super star in high school and need to fill the void by competing in a “only in their mind” game of “Fuck you my yard is the best on the block, so eat my cock”.
So I’m not a lawn guy because I gave up acting like a “guy” years ago. I don’t play the “squeeze the hand til someone yells uncle” handshake game, I don’t regale tails of my physical prowess, I don’t bluster and act cocky like a Bandy rooster. Itry to keep my personal stories to those where I look like an idiot, and call them learning experiences…like when I learned that one drunk football player cannot beat up an entire fraternity .
Hey I never said I didn’t USED to be a guy…just not anymore.
So I guess that I refuse to be a lawn guy because I would rather remember the glory days as they were and not transform that shit into a pissing contest with my neighbors. I don’t water, fertilize, seed, or cut (on time anyway) my grass. If you do all of that shit the fucking grass grows more and then you have to mow it… We have a saying in our house…it isn’t that we need to mow, we just believe that natural seeding is better then buying seed, so were letting nature take it’s course and as soon as the grass goes to seed, we’ll cut it.

From All Conference Offensive Center to Lawn Guy?

Fuck That.

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