Monday, July 10, 2006


Why do I keep getting up in the morning?

I swear this was the worst kick off to a week I have had in some time.

As I was driving to work this morning I noticed that my Brake light was flickering off…yes I said off. It stays on all of the time because of some weird thing in my completely un-restored 1976 Chevy pick-up. So anyway I’m watching this thing flicker because it is more interesting than watching the road at 6:15 in the morning and then I notice that not only is my battery light flickering but my Alternator gauge is acting erratically. I then start to panic a little.

On my way yo work there is two LOOONNNGGG Bridges that are under construction. AT THE SAME TIME!! Way to go MO-DOT !! So I am stressing that I will be THAT guy. You know the guy…he drive a huge pile of shit and when it breaks down it causes traffic to be blocked in all directions for a week and a half. Well I’m praying to Our blessed Sisiter of Car Repair to not let me be that guy.

She had her IPOD in and didn’t hear me.

200 yards from the entrance to my building in the middle of the Truman bridge my truck stops working.

Dead in it’s ti`re tracks.

No reprieve from the gubnor or nuttin.

I jump out of the truck and promptly throw open the hood because half a mile behind me I see cars a’comin.


The second one back is a cop.

Well as it turns out the positive lead on my battery had decided to commit suicide and short itself out on the rusted out battery tray. Thus causing sparks and fire and melty things to happen under my hood….well ok no fire but all of the rest of that is dead on.

So a see a cop walking up and another cop zooming by me on his motorbike. They start directing traffic. I am ashamed. My cool old beater has now made me THAT guy.

Well as I’m trying to wrap hot electrical wires with thin plastic electrical tape, the construction crew leader comes over and asks if I want some help pushing my truck off of the bridge so I wouldn’t be a road hazard.

I promptly agree to that way of thinking and 5 bridge workers (whom I will now and forever stoop referring to them as “billy goats” (as in the 3 billy goats gruff) jumped in behind my pile of shit threw their shoulders into it and pushed my stupid ass off of the bridge. It was like pulling a hair clog out of a shower drain, the traffic was sailing smoothly from there on out.

I tried to call someone at the office but they switched their hours around and no one was in yet. So I gather my stuff thinking that it would be nice to walk the last 200 yards into work and as I stood outside of my truck I locked the doors and gave it a little extra slam to ensure good clouser because it looked like it was going to start raining any second now.

As I slammed the door shut my eyes caught something shiny sitting on the seat of my truck. I stared in disbelief.

Those couldn’t be my keys. My keys were in my pocket where any sane man who was having such a bad start to a week would have surely put them so not to look exactly that stupid at 6:30 in the morning on the side of the road.

As I checked my pockets like the dumbass that I am, because clearly those were my keys, and I knew my search was futile. I let out a little sob.

Why did I get up this morning?

It was then that one of my co-workers who drives a nice up to date car stopped by, and offered help. But since he doesn’t have to hold his car together with bubble gum and baling wire, he was of no help. Except to make me look in the back of my truck for something suitable to break into my own truck.

I found an old CB antenna (yes I’m a pack rat and thankfully I didn’t throw it away) and bent it into a shape perfect for picking the lock of a 30 year old truck…or so I thought. Well my co-worker heads off to work after I shun the idea of leaving my most prized possession, and I stay to jimmy the lock. I was getting nowhere and I was getting there fast.

Then another co-worker appeared out of the pre-rain fog and suggested I try the vent window and to make this tale come to an end I did, he made a loop with two zip ties and snared my lock, jerked it up with one swift move and I was in.

Thank god for helpful co-workers, Billy Goats and me being a pack rat. It can only get better from here.

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