Monday, August 15, 2005


Weekend in Review

Things that happened this weekend:

1) It rained.
2) My Uncle and Aunt blew through town for a quick lunch.
3) It rained
4) I hit myself in the shin with a hatchet
5) It rained
6) Lost $100.00 at the casino

Overall it was a pretty good weekend.

My Uncle and Aunt are homeless. It is weird but only in a good way. See Uncle was a computer guy from the stone ages. Do you remember that scene in “Apollo 13” where they say “Houston we have a problem” and in the next few minutes they say “go wake up 1300 people” to try and effort a way to get the astronauts back home safely…well uncle was one of those smart guys that was rudely awakened back in the day.

Neat huh? Well anyway since that they have become homeless. But only to eliminate the hassles of homeownership, and so they could travel, and that is what they do, they are constantly on the move it is really pretty cool. Last year alone they went to New Zealand, Borneo, Thailand, and a couple of other places I can’t remember. Not to mention all over the US. I can’t wait until I’m old so I can piss off all of my relatives and friends buy cruising around not working and sleeping on their couches and shit.

I hate to beat a dead horse here people but some of you are not getting the message. So I will attempt to explain it again to you (you know who you are) cockstomping retards.

On Sunday during our drive to Costco, I noticed an interesting phenomenon. People think that the left hand lane of traffic is the “Phone Booth” lane and that if you need to make a call on your cell phone you should pull INTO that lane and slow down to 10 miles an hour under the speed limit. Which seems to work out just fine because on this Sunday old people and immigrants occupied the other two lanes. I don’t really hate either one of these groups of people, unless they are behind the wheel of a car, on the phone, making tamales, putting their makeup on and wondering what the early bird special is at Denny’s.

The Middle lane was packed with snowheads, aimlessly driving around looking for that missing exit, or maybe just trying to find their way home, I’m not sure which but I am sure that they were doing it at 45 MPH IN A 65 ZONE! I think that we should treat the highways like a skating rink, now a lot of you might not know what the hell I’m talking about but back in the good old days we would go roller skating in a big building and it was fun. They had all kinds of different activities, but that isn’t my point.

My point is, they would have these signs hanging up that would say stuff like “If more people are passing you, then your passing, please stay to the inside” and for the lead feet, “if you are passing more people then are passing you PLEASE SLOW DOWN” And if you didn’t obey, a guy with a whistle would yell at you and sometimes make you go sit down for a few minutes.

If we could do that with drivers I would be a much happier driver, and the chances of me snapping one day and gunning down a whole slew of old people who are out wandering around with no real purpose, would be cut down drastically.

So for the sake of your Grandparents, and for the sake of my incarceration, please don’t let them on our highways and byways.

As for the immigrants, well I think that problem is universal. I know when Americans go abroad the rest of the world really doesn’t want to see us behind the wheel either.

Oh and the hatchet wound is really just a scratch.

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