Sunday, August 07, 2005


The Modern Drunkard

I know that I have posted about this magazine before and I just love it but I hadn't had an opprtunity to play around on the website since my laptop died and I took my OWN computer to work to use as a desk top there. What am I using at home? Lets just say a little thievery took place and a package didn't get delivered to the right place at the right time...Have NO fear though, it isn't little Timmy's from down the block, oh no this one is just a...well it is a...we'll call it a spare.

ANYWAY the magazine Modern Drunkard is absolutly the best thing to try and read if you find yourself in a sober state of mind.

For those of you who don't want to look for the good stuff I have taken the liberty of finding the most important peice of information produced in the early oughts. (that is the "00's" for those of you not speaking Jethro Bodine-isms)

The 86 Rules of Boozing;

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

--Frank Rich

Copyright 2004 Modern Drunkard Magazine

I think that this list of rules is even more comprehensive then my own "Rules of the Bar" which is very apparent since I only wrote the 8 things to avoid doing in a bar and not a life long plan, to complete and total boozery. Here is that original list, dug from deep in the archives, not to mention the now defunct Bar Bitches web site, so anyway 8 things to keep you safe and happy in a drinking situation.

1) Don't just ask the bartender for a "beer" or a "shot"--please be specific! I can't count how many times I had to ask "Can you be more specific?" I had over 50 different bottle beers and 10 on tap, and 25,000 different drinks! Know what you want!

2) If you are waiting in line at the bar and have been waiting for a while, when it is finally your turn, don't look at the bartender blankly! Tell him/her what you want! The waiting in line is to be used for deciding what you want, not to chit chat or flirt. Be quick and concise.

3) Women, do not take offense if someone accidentally steps on your feet, bumps your shoulder, or causes you to spill a little of your drink on the person near you or on yourself. It is a hazard of going out and accidents happen, especially by other women. I blame it on alcohol and high heels. If you plan on wearing the fuck-me pumps out, limit your alcohol intake to one drink per hour, unless you like getting beat up.

4) Guys, booze only enhances your personality in your own eyes. It does not make you a superman, invisible, a sex god, or a movie star. If you are an asshole to start, all you are with a few drinks in you is a super asshole.

5) Don't feel put out when you are asked for your ID. That is the job of the doorman. The fines for this are steep and in most states come out of the paycheck of the bouncer. I know back in the day it was $500/head for underage drinkers in California. If you try and succeed in getting in, drink responsibly, and if you are denied, don't get mad. You gambled and lost. Also, if you find a place that lets you in, become a regular--less hassles and better chance of not getting caught. (Safety tip: If you use a fake ID, make sure it has the same name as the credit card you use to buy drinks/food. I busted this little kid after he was coming for a couple of weeks, because he came in during the day with his frat brothers and he bought them lunch, but when I asked whose credit card it was and he said it was his, I knew it was a different name than his ID.)

6) Don't treat someone's business as your own personal backyard party. Just because you would pee in a trash can at your house doesn't mean you should do this while in a club or a bar.

7) Tipping the doorman will ensure that he will remember you, but it does not get you an automatic in the next time you come by. This might take a lot of tipping (or if you are a constant asshole, it might mean that you are just throwing money away). If the doorman has to pull you out of a melee every time you're in the bar, don't expect favors.

8) There is a reason for every rule. Bars' rules are there to protect you from the dangers we have all seen or been through. Bartenders and bar owners know our bar better than you do!

This set of rules only scratches the surface and doesn't address the big questions, like "will I get laid more if I don't have whisky breath?" or "why don't women like guys with hairy backs?" but if I have helped just one person, my work here is done!

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