Monday, July 18, 2005


Weekend Bliss

On Friday morning on the way to work I saw the funniest thing I have seen in the last oh 4-5 days.

I have to get on to I-35 north for about a mile before I get on to I-435 south to get to work. I merge into traffic behind another pick up who is following a Honda Civic and am just going about my business, no problems. Well all of a sudden the truck locks up his brakes and severs of to the left hand lane, I mean we weren’t on the highway for more then a ½ mile, my reflexes takes over and without really thinking I hit the brakes and look for what ever the hell scared the guy in front of me. I see the Honda making a bee line for the shoulder, I still see no problem.

Before I go on I need to explain my feelings on low profile ties. I think they are the dumbest thing since the invention of the car. Didn’t we just get rid of hard wagon wheels to evolve to a nice cushiony air filled ride in our vehicles? When did people decide that they would like their cars to ride more tank like? Did I miss a meeting? A memo? Was my email not working when they decided this?

Apr. 12 1999
Cool People
RE: Tires

Dear cool people,

From this day on we are all on a quest to find the smallest ratio of tire rubber and the largest amount of rim available. This will allow us to look even cooler then before and should drie the price of aluminum rims through the roof making us look even cooler because we can put them on anything! Including Aunt Bertha’s 1977 Delta 88 4 door. Add some window tint and a sub woofer and we’ll have a first class hoopty.

Not to mention the Import Market. Anyone driving a economical 4 cylinder “rice burner” This trend will surely make you the cock of the walk.

Thank you for your compliance,

Joe Cool

See I never got that. I think it is dumb as sack full of stupid carried by a retard on the way to the short bus stop.

So, anyway. As I’m braking and analyzing the shit in front of me I still don’t see the problem.

Then I see it a lone tire rolling down the middle of the highway. I glance over at the Honda and sure as shit the dumb ass has lost his back tire. NOT the whole wheel mind you just the tire. The rubber had spun off of his beloved Civic and was speeding out of control down the middle of I-35 headed to Des Moines.
It was a stupid low profile. I couldn’t stop laughing. I almost side swiped him out of principal, just to add a little insult to injury. BUY SOME FUCKING REAL TIRES DUMBASS!

Later that night/afternoon Bouby and I decide to go up north to redneck haven and watch a Outlaw sprint race.

Now if you have no idea what this is I highly recommend you going to one. It is like an un-sponsored NASCAR. EXCEPT!! The races here held good ol’ boy style. Moonshiner style, what ever you want to call it. These people are probably the biggest NASCAR fans on the planet however they don’t like what money has done to theiur beloved sport so they refuse to accept it and hold their own races. Kind of like Civil War re-enactors.

Outlaw sprints are raced on a dirt track that is very small, like a ¼ mile circle, with extremely high banks so that the cars don’t go flying out into the crowd at high rates of speed. The qualifying races are 6 cars to the track and the winners all have a race at the end to see who is the best of the best and who has the best mechanic. THIS is the way NASCAR was meant to be! Rednecks as far as the eye could see racing done at night so the man couldn’t get you and beer lots of beer.

There were people of all kinds at this race by the way. All with just enough redneck in them to enjoy each others company but not enough to make it look like the back woods of Kentucky. We were having a great time we watch some Pro-Stock races, (that is a psudeo normal car looking race) and then we got to see Bouby’s boss run his time trials to see where he was going to be in the line up. He seemed to be having some sort of trouble with his front end because it was wobbling all over the place. Then the scary part happened.

Bouby looked at me and said “ I don’t feel so good.” I asked if she was sick to her stomach and she said no, so I just kept my eye on her and let her do her thing. She has a delicate tummy and sometimes this shit just comes out of nowhere and then it passes.

Well it didn’t just pass.

I looked up at her a few minutes later, and she was ghost white and sweating like a whore in church. I ask her if she is all right and she just shook her head and said “make sure I don’t fall over” Concerned but not panicky, I scoot over and put my hand on her neck, her ice cold and clammy neck. My nerves start humming. She lays her head on her knees and tries to catch her breath, which is coming in ragged gasps, after a minute or two she slumps. Dead weight. I hold her and keep her from tipping over, and I give her just a little shake, her eyes snap open and it was lights on nobody home.

Now the panic starts to creep in.

I tell her she has to stand up and get out of the grand stands. She informs me that there is no way she can walk at this juncture. So I sit with her for about 30 more minutes we half ass watch her boss run, he finishes dead last. At the end of the race I tell her she has no choice but to come with me. I was prepared to throw her over my shoulder and carry her ass up the stairs but she finally agreed and we started our long slow ascent.

With only one stumble we make it to the top where the cost of exertion was for her to collapse on the ground out cold.


I try to catch her but she is like trying to hold on to a boneless chicken covered in motor oil.

Some guys standing at the top see this and come to help me get her up.

*Let me say now that whereas there was beer everywhere we had only had one apiece. So we weren’t drunk by any stretch of the imagination.*

So her eyes snap open again and let me and the other two guys help her up and one of the race saints let us borrow a chair to get her in. I ran off to get a bottle of water, and by the time I got back she was fine.


I was like “What do you mean? You’re still drinking this water”

“I know” she replied. So we sat there for a few minutes when what ever had her finally let go, and we went home.

She is right as rain now but I’m encouraging her to once again go get her shit looked at. Find out what the hell that was all about.

But I still had a good time at the dirt track. I highly recommend it. Great fun and at a reasonable price. I mean hell the beer was only 2 buck a can. Yes it was all in cans. They have to recoup their losses in recycling.

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