Sunday, July 10, 2005



The Landscape rolled by the windows of his beat up old car as the sun came up behind him. Once again he was moving. Always moving. It seemed that after that ordeal in the mountains he couldn't stay in one place longer then a couple of years in a row. He didn't know where this wanderlust came from but he didn't seem to mind. A new job, a new place to live and a new girl...always a new girl.

The last place was cozy. Small and warm in the winter, yet somehow light and airy in the summer, it was like he lived on a cosmic lay line where time and space had no place with reality. It gave him the illusion of happiness. Everyday he went to work and did what he had to to make the ends of that short life line meet, and on every payday he always questioned himself on why he stayed on. Every week as he made his way to the bank in his clunker of a car he wondered how long he could keep this up. Every week his pittance was deposited into a joint account and he got a glimmer of why he stayed. Her. She was why he stayed.

He would park in the drive way and look at the house. He had demolished better houses working construction during his college days, and yet he stayed. Her. He knew that he was a victim but he was also stubborn. He wanted this. He wanted this more then he had wanted anything in his life. He knew it was one sided and that it wouldn't last but he couldn't keep her out of his thoughts. Why? What made her the one? Was it because he knew it was one sided? Was it the infrequent sex romps that left him drained and panting like some old horse in the heat? What had happened to him? He used to be in control of these demons.

His past was littered with "hers" but they were always the ones who loved him more then he loved them. He had never felt the sting of a one sided love affair where he wasn't in control. This must be the karma catching up with him. Retribution for broken hearts littering his past. He saw her pull into the drive way and as always his heart skipped a beat and his stomach rolled with a passion. A passion that he knew was false but still he couldn't break it's spell. It was a sickly sweet painful experience, depraved indifference.

It hurt. I finally hurt. Maybe this was what he as needing. Maybe for the first time in a long..well first time in forever, he felt the pain For the first time he felt the pain. Pain was good, it burned the out the love. He used the pain of the one sided love affair to destroy the inferno of love that he had finally found, and that made him see what was needing to happen. He had to leave. He needed to harness the wanderlust and pack his things and move. Get on the road a new life, a new job, a new girl. A new her.

The sun was now in his eyes as the landscape rolled by the windows of his beat up old car. His thoughts continued to work. The blistering pain in his head and gut caused him to think. Now that he was on the road and headed east to a new everything, he knew he would never go back, never become the man who hurt or got hurt. Not closed up, not shut down, just cautious. He would give as good as he got, nothing more nothing less.

Fast forward 8 months.

He was with a new her. The love was instant. It was intense. It was the warm feeling of love, true love. It extinguished the burning pain, and replaced it with a flame of desire. The pain used to burn, this burn was just as hot as the pain but he liked it. It was new, it cleansed him of his bad karma. Love shared is better then....nothing seems to fit.

Love shared is better.

<< Home