Thursday, July 14, 2005

 

Death to wrong laners!


Ok so as I was driving to work today I had an urge.

No not that kind of urge.

Well ok that one too

But this urge was to jerk the wheel of my 30 year old SOLID steel Chevy pickup into the path of a rapidly approaching 90 something Corvette.

Why all of the angst you ask? Well this stool pushing, mid-life crisis having bald waste of oxygen was doing 90+ in the SLOW lane. Zipping in and out of traffic, causing massive braking to accommodate his stupid Fiberglas car. I was watching this in my rear view mirror and I almost made it over before deciding to get back in my lane and give this 3 piston turbo charged asshammer a break.

HAD I not moved over it would have been a spectacular wreck. There would have been pieces of Fiberglas, and plastic all stuck in my under carriage and stuff, not to mention his airbag would have probably removed the rest of his hair.

People, it is a real easy system, please pay attention.

This is all based on the tiny 3 lane highway system we have built here in the KC metro area. HOW EVER rules one and three are the same universally, (except in England of course where you have to go from right to left.)

Lane One; (from left to right) This is the fucking fast lane! It is not the drive 3-4 miles over the speed limit lane and bitch because you think you are going fast enough and any faster you’d be REALLY breaking the law! 10-20 MPH over the speed limit please that is why they make all of those beautiful signs that read “Slower traffic please stay right” Here is a good rule of thumb; If more people are passing you then you are passing YOU’RE IN THE WRONG FUCKING LANE!!

Lane Two; This is the long haul lane. If you are not willing to travel fast enough for the fast lane and yet you drive too fast for the slow lane THIS IS WHERE YOU BELONG!! I don’t care that there are a lot of people in this lane they’re there because they are just like you! So FUCKING STAY PUT!! Or speed up, it is your choice! OTR Truck drivers LISTEN UP! If you drive in any other lane besides this middle lane, YOU ARE CAUSING THE TRAFFIC JAMS! Keep your big asses in the middle lane except to exit! And for the love of Christ please learn to downshift when going up a fucking hill. You dumb cocksucking bastards!

Lane Three; This is the slow lane if you are unable or unwilling to drive anything more then the speed limit this is your lane. Old people this is your lane. NEW drivers this is your lane until you realize that cold medicine for kicks and driving does not equal a good time for that bus load of nuns you just ran off of the road while you were looking for the roach that dropped on the floor when your stoned passenger fumbled the handoff! Foreigners, if you can’t speak the fucking language I don’t want you driving at all but if you must keep your asses out of my way!

Now in the larger metropolises like anywhere there is more then 1 million people per sq block like San Francisco, you have 4 or more lanes of freeway to play on. BUT the rules stay the same Left= Fast
Right= Slow

Now if I could just figure out how to keep women from putting on their make up in the car while driving or how to get that Yuppie off of the fucking phone call he could have waited the 10 minutes to make when he got to the office, I would be a much happier driver and would be less likely to plot against my fellow man whilst driving.]

Thank you for your cooperation.



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